It's all done and over with. I've finished 1st year.
It seems like only yesterday when I'm in this country, absorbing everything that's new and unfamiliar to me. In many ways, I still feel like I'm new. There's so much to see, so much to look forward to, and so much more to experience. One year down. Three (hopefully) left to go. And who knows what kind of person I will be after all those years have come and go?
ECON 140 was ok, I think. I couldn't concentrate during ACCY 111. My brain was half-dead during QUAN 111 but I finished the paper before mid-point. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, it is still yet to be decided. MGMT 101. HAH! I didn't have enough time to do the last question properly. When I finished my last paper, I strolled back to Weir with Emma, ran up to my floor, pushed open my room door, danced into my room and said to Fi, "The clouds opened, and God said: IT IS GOOD!"
After lunch, Emma, Fi and I hit Westfield Queensgate. SHOPPING! Even though Fi was the shopping queen but Emz and I spent more money than her. It's been so long since I did proper shopping. I think I'm losing my stamina. Mid-Valley and 1U is at least 3 times the size of Westfield, and I never got tired. I actually got tired at tiny little Queensgate. I can't believe it. Fi asked, "Fran, are you sure you're a girl?" Sigh...
Reminiscence..
This exam period was the toughest yet, because I had to go through some other major problems at the same time as exams. When going through it all, I often wondered to the Lord, "WHY??" But I've learnt, seemingly the difficult way, that the love of God is beautiful and yet terrible - terrible because it will not leave anything unblemished or unworthy in the beloved. I know that I've grown stronger, more resilient, and wiser. And He will never be content until I've become what He thinks I ought to become.
I'm currently reading a book entitled 'Hinds' Feet to High Places' by Hannah Hurnard, and I would highly recommend the book to all my fellow romantics out there. In fact, I would recommend the book to anyone who yearns to know what true love is. Of course, the Word of God should be our first source of the meaning of love, but the book is written based on the Bible, written in fiction, and yet, with a great sense of reality. When studying management, I would often read the book during my 'taking-a-break' moments, and it is not a wonder that I would end up reading more pages in the book and less of my management notes. Ah, temptations.
When I read the book, it was as if the main character 'Much-Afraid' is a reflection of who I am deep inside: Crippled, disfigured, filled with the fear of everything unknown, afraid to lose control of my life, but yet yearning so much to be able to love and trust the Lord completely, and to follow Him to the High Places. What I've went through was not my first breakdown, and it will not be my last. I sense that many more dangers, trials, tribulations, emotional and psychological pains await me. The mere thought of what I have to go through in order for the Lord's purpose to be fulfilled strikes me with fear. Such is the love that God has for us, as He sees our full potential and will not let us rest until He sees our God-ordained destinies fulfilled. How many more times will my heart be broken? It is already badly scarred. When again will my spirit be weakened? However, in spite of it all, I know I will always manage to come out of it stronger than before, and closer to fulfilling God's kingdom purposes. This much I know is true: that I need to come to a point in life where I say to God, "having You, knowing You, experiencing Your love, is enough. You are enough for me." I have to make it right with Him first.
I feel like Much-Afraid when she's wandering with her travelling mates 'Sorrow' and 'Suffering' on that great, desolate Sea of Loneliness, often being attacked and ridiculed by her relatives Resentment, Bitterness and Self-Pity. The Shepard chose Sorrow and Suffering as her companions because Love and Pain go hand-in-hand. To love is to feel pain, coupled with great sorrow and suffering. When one is wandering along the Sea of Loneliness, one would often question the Lord what is the purpose of it all? Why deny the one desire that He hasn't fulfill? That's where resentment, bitterness and self-pity will make us vulnerable. I've read somewhere once that we have no power to change the circumstances that befall us, but our response to the circumstances can change us. (Or maybe I didn't read it. I think Mel may have been the one who told me that. Don't really remember.) We can blame God and be bitter, or we can look beyond the sorrow that clamps our hearts and believe that it is for a greater purpose, a higher calling. All sorrow that touches men will first go through the heart of God. I don't know how am I suppose to make it right with God first, but my deep down in my very core being I know that to live without Him is to cease to exist. I want to be able to love and trust Him completely. And this whole drama experience has taught me a little of that. I've also learnt and experienced for myself the wonderful phrases "He heals the broken-hearted, binding up their wounds"; "My thoughts are higher than your thoughts, and my ways are higher than your ways"; "God has ordained your steps, so why worry along the way?". The Scriptures are better appreciated when one can associate real-life experiences with it. Knowledge is but useless when one does not have wisdom, and experiences grant wisdom.
I'm on holiday now. I'm planning to pack my days to the max, and make sure that I always have something to do. Usually, my hols are even crazier than my uni days. I love it that way. So if anyone has any plans (except for doing crazy stunts like visiting strip bars), I'm IN!
My Beloved is the chiefest
Of ten thousand anywhere
He is altogether lovely
He is altogether fair
My Beloved is so gentle
And is strong beyond compare
Labels: comings and goings, heart soul mind, musings, wellington
