DeLiCiOuS aMbIGuItY

Monday, December 24, 2007

i've decided

Continuing from the last entry...

I've decided.
Decided what?
Decided that I don't.
Oh come on, you're in self...
Yeah. Maybe. Whatever. But you know what?
What?
I can't do this anymore. It's not worth it.
Not worth it? Why?
Because its not. Because I need to hope for something better ahead of me.
Not good enough for you?
It's not that. It's just how things are. Sometimes you hope for things that you know will never come to pass. And you know this. You know that its not gonna happen.
Nobody knows the future. Things can change.
Yeah I know that. I guess I can hope for things to change, but at what expense?
*silence*
So enough is enough. I don't. I've decided that I don't and I don't care what my heart feels. I don't. And my heart will follow soon enough.
You can't pick. Your heart decides such matters. Not the mind.
Bullshit. Just watch me. The mind makes conscious decisions which the heart knows is right. The two should be one, never separated.
So what's gonna happen now?
Nothing. Things stay the same. The transformation is in here, my head, and here, my heart. Nothing outside changes. But I.. I need to change.
Letting go?
Yeah.
For good?
Yeah.
Not looking back?
I don't want to.
What if?
It's all right. I know that this is right.
How do you know?
Faith. And this is my heart telling me. This is right. There will be a better tomorrow.
How do you know this?
Because God is good. And He knows.

D I V A at 1:54 PM
0 drop(s) of love

Monday, December 17, 2007

home

I'm going to a place
Where love and feeling good don't ever cost a thing
...
I'm going home
Back to the place where I belong
And where your love has always been enough for me
...
These places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home

Just one more day. And I'll be home soon.

But this place is home too. And I'm starting to belong here.

I don't
You do, and you know it. You're in self-denial.
Oh God, for the last time already! I DON'T!
Oh yes you do.
Look, I really don't. If I do, I'm screwed
Yeah, I know
So I don't.
I know you're screwed if you do, but you do.
I don't
This can go on forever, but you know that you do.
Please, I really don't want to. I'm trying very hard.
I know. But still, you do.
I don't, because there is no point if I do
Try saying "I don't" at the altar
Altar?
You know, when you get married
*burst out laughing*

D I V A at 8:01 PM
0 drop(s) of love

Thursday, December 06, 2007

inaudible melodies

So it's confirmed!

Franny is going to Christchurch during Easter '08 because JACK JOHNSON IS COMING! *jumps and dances and sings "Better Together" at the top of her lungs*

F: I wanna be just like him Emma.. a complete bum. A rich one. But still a bum.
E: Franny, the world hates bums..

I really don't understand what is so bad about hitting the jackpot. Sure he didn't do anything but surf all day long, but he made it big, and his music makes me smile. So it's all good!

Emma and I will be going together, and this is my first time to the South Island as well! And there's a big possibility that my brother will be there next year. So I'm really looking foward to it!

There's no combination of words I can put on the back of a postcard; no song that I could sing but I can try for your heart....

I've just finished reading two books in the past two weeks. The first one is The Case for Faith by Lee Strobel and the second one is Mere Christianity by C.S.Lewis. The first book provided many great insights as to the journey of great professors, scientists and scholars in searching for truth, and found it in Jesus. Philip Yancey once wrote that the faith of others help us when we are lacking in faith. And I found that remarkably true when reading that book. Plus, their faith were strengthened by earnestly seeking for God and searching for evidences. Scripture says that those whose seek the Lord will find Him, and they did. The second book gave what seems like a seemingly brief overview of Christianity, and yet it was deep, and it caused me to think about lots of things. One thing which really stood out for me was the idea that to really live is to strive to be like Him, and to let Him change us. We don't really know ourselves until we live life the way He intended us to live. And each of us are different, despite the fact we are to follow Christ. He gave the analogy of men being in darkness. When we are in darkness, we do not see anything. However, when light comes, we then can see, and we will find that we are all different, but the same light is shining on us. It was a really good read.

And I've mentioned that I'm in the process of finding myself, and I think the "me" that I'm discovering is shocking myself. So now I am in this state of confusion where I finally understand where I'm suppose to go, but I don't know how, and I'm regretting all the detours that I have made before. I wish I understood it when I was younger. But I also understand that there is no such thing as "too late" or "only one shot". If there is a will, a passion, there is always a way, despite the time factor.

Now where was I.. Oh yeah..

Our dreams, and they are made out of real things; like a shoebox of photographs with sepiatone loving; love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart; like why we're here and where do we go and how come its so hard...

..........

Most times I'm okay. It doesn't bother me that much anymore.

But once in a while, when the night gets a little cold, and my body has lost its strength, and my soul feels a little lonely, I think of you.

How is it possible, that you can be so near, and yet so far away? Why things that seem wrong, can also seem right at the same time?

Talk about contradictions.

But like I said, most times, I'm okay.

.........

D I V A at 8:01 AM
1 drop(s) of love