For as long as I remember, my decision-making process has always been fairly mechanical - always going through the process of weighing up pros and cons, and judging plans according to experience and past history. Most of the time I believe that logical decision-making should govern the workings of the body and the heart - eat three meals a day (or 5 small meals) because of health; drink at least 2 litres of water, try not to eat too much dessert, excel academically, get a socially good and acceptable job etc etc.
But the best decisions that I've made - I didn't make them because I went through the mechanical thought-process. While I've always subjected decisions - major or minor - to such a process, the best decisions I've made were done because they felt right, and I felt at peace.
On the other hand, I've never had to make major decisions that are particularly risky. For the most part, I've followed the trend, abide by societal customs, and thought that they were okay.
But as someone said, I'm turning out to be an "anomaly" in the paradigm that I am part of. Most people go with the system because "that is just how it is", but now I'm starting to question whether I should abide by the system and just go with it, or whether I should do what my heart wants again - but in doing so, taking a very big risk that would change the rest of my life.
There is a fringe science theory called "multiple universe theory" - that parallel with our universe are infinite number of other universes that co-exist with ours. In those other universes exist versions of us that have made decisions differently; the "us" who did "Plan B" instead of "Plan A"; the "us" who married "Human X" instead of "Human Y". There are moments when I wish such a theory is true, just so that I do not have to take the risk that comes with sacrificing opportunity costs and the "what could have been". But more likely than not, that is not how the universe works. When I decide on Plan A, there will not be an opportunity to have regrets, reverse time, and go and do Plan B. In this sense, I either have to just do it or be happy about not doing it, or do something else.
But in all these confusions that I have in my soul, I do tend to forget that God is the center and master of the universe. He is Lord of all. He is the over-arching meta-narrative which I hold to be just, true and righteous. Many decisions are not coloured by morality, and hence, difficult to decide whether they are right or wrong. And while the mechanical thought-process often help, sometimes they are not in alignment with the heart or soul. This is when God is needed the most - the assurance and reassurance that He is the Creator and Author of my life and my faith. He gives me the assurance that coincidental incidents do not happen, and accidents in life may have greater meanings that I cannot see. He has set my heart to be in alignment with His kingdom purposes, and this has happened over the course of many years. What I once thought was important and normal - I do not think so anymore. What I once thought was necessary - I count it as loss. In the here and now, I need to make decisions that would change my life, and possibly the lives of many others in the future.
But as another friend said: "you'll never know until you actually do it". I'm afraid, though. I guess everybody is afraid of insecurity and massive, dynamic changes. So in summary I guess I don't know what I should do.
On the other hand, my heart knows what it wants already. It's a matter of whether I'm willing to jump off the plane and just take the risk, and hope that the parachute works.
