DeLiCiOuS aMbIGuItY

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

and then comes doom

First test of the year.

ACCY 223. Management Accounting. Apparently one of the easier accounting papers.

YEAH RIGHT.

I can feel the marks being deducted... *sobz*

On the other hand, it could have been way worse. Hopefully there will be no repetition of such tragedy.

3 more tests.

Counting down.

2 of them on the same day. Right before Good Friday.

Black Thursday takes on a whole new meaning.

I pray that it will not be too bad. Please let it not be bad.

D I V A at 3:28 PM
3 drop(s) of love

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

gravity

Polaroid

What great gravity is this that drew my soul towards yours? What great force, that though I went falsely, went kicking, went disguising myself to earn your love, also disguised, to earn your keeping, your resting, your staying, your will fleshed into mine, rasped by a slowly revealed truth, the barter of my soul, the soul that I fear, the soul that I loathe, the soul that: if you will love, i will love. I will redeem you, if you will redeem me? Is this our purpose, you and I together to pacify each other, to lead each other toward the lie that we are good, that we are noble, that we need not redemption, save the one that you and I invented of our own clay?

I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I went looking, I wrote out a list, I drew an image, I bled a poem of you. You were pretty, and my friends believed I was worthy of you. You were clever, but I was smarter, perhaps the only one smarter, the only one able to lead you. You see, love, I did not love you, I loved me. And you were only a tool that I used to fix myself, to fool myself, to redeem myself, and though I have taught you to lay your lily hand in mine, I walk alone, for I cannot talk to you, lest you talk it back to me, lest I believe that I am not worthy, not deserving, not redeemed.

I want desperately for you to be my friend. But you are not my friend; you have slid up warmly to the man I wanted to be, the man I pretended to be, and I was your Jesus and, you were mine. Should I show you who I am, we may crumble. I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I want to be known and loved anyway. Can you do this? I trust by your easy breathing that you are human like me, that you are fallen like me, that you are lonely, like me. My love, do I know you? What is this great gravity that pulls us so painfully toward each other? Why do we not connect? Will we be forever in fleshing this out? And how will we with words, narrow words, come into the knowing of each other? Is this God's way of meriting grace, of teaching us of the labyrinth of His love for us, teaching us, in degrees, that which He is sacrificing to join ourselves to Him? Or better yet, has He formed our being fractional so that we might conclude one great hope, plodding and sighing and breathing into one another in such a great push that we might break through into the known and being loved, only to cave into a greater perdition and fall down at His throne still begging for our acceptance? Begging for our completion?

We were fools to believe that we would redeem each other.

Were I some sleeping Adam, to wake and find you resting at my rib, to share these things that God has done, to walk you through the garden, to counsel your timid steps, your bewildered eye, your heart so slow to love, so careful to love, so sheepish that I stepped up my aim and become a man. Is this what God intended? That though He made you from my rib, it is you who is making me, humbling me, destroying me, and in so doing revealing Him.

Will we be in ashes before we are one?

What great gravity is this that drew my heart toward yours? What great force collapsed my orbit, my lonesome state? What is this that wants in me the want in you? Don't we go at each other with yielded eyes, with cumbered hands and feet, with clunky tongues? This deed is unattainable! We cannot know each other!

I am quitting this thing, but not what you think. I am not going away.

I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me.

I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gambling for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.

God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.

-Blue Like Jazz; Donald Miller-

D I V A at 6:29 AM
0 drop(s) of love

Friday, March 16, 2007

those who care

And every so often you get to meet people who love you enough to point out to you, gently, where you went wrong, and how you can improve.

It hurts, but that's what friends are for. And you realised that you are a better person because of them. Everyone makes mistakes, unintentionally or otherwise. Friends point us towards our mistakes, not with a tone of accusation, but rather with love and good purposes. And the best thing of all is: they understand, perhaps because at one point or another they have went through the same path.

I always get the feeling that Jesus is trying to tell me things through them. If I listen carefully, I can hear Him through their words.

.........

Tests are coming up. Sigh.

..........

I'm beginning to discover, bit by bit, what really matters in life, and learning how to prioritize the important things. I'm learning not to compartmentalize, but to see God in every area of my life. I know what is important. I know what will last and what won't. But remembering these things in the midst of busyness is hard.

That's what friends are for: to remind me time and again why I'm doing what I'm doing.

.........

On another note: congrats dear sis! Our prayers have been answered!

.........

~When we are walking through the green pastures, or over mountains rugged and bare; Precious the thought and sweet the assurance, Jesus is always there~

~There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then, singing among the savage branches, it impales itself on upon the longest, sharpest spine. And, dying, it rises above its own agony to out-carol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in His heaven smile. For the best is bought at the price of great pain... or so says the legend.~ Colleen McCullough

D I V A at 4:27 PM
6 drop(s) of love

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

as time goes by

Time budget. 24 hours a day. What do I do with it?

Time management is more crucial than ever.

Things are going full swing now. Tutorials will be starting next week and so does the PASS group. Discovering Jesus will be on this coming Thursday. Assignments are already due!

During leadership training Val gave a talk about the stewardship of time. I like to think that I can use my time wisely, but I still have a long way to go. There are so many things that I want to do, things that are important to me, but there are always urgent things that I need to attend to. There are assignments, classes, things-that-pop-up-unannounced, and ICF-related things. Most times I wish I'm like a super-machine being where I can work and do the things that I want to without having a breakdown. I've been surviving on 6-7 hours of sleep for the past couple of days, and I'm slowly starting to feel the strain. I can't wait for Saturday because I can wake up AFTER 7:30am.

The ironic thing is it's not even my time. It's God's time. God created the concept of time, gave us 24 hours a day, and told us to be good stewards of it. It's a hard concept to grapple with, as time is something so intangible and yet real, and we never think of it as belonging to God. 24 hours in a day. 365 days in a year. The human lifespan is an average of 70 years. Some live longer, but on average, that's all we have.

But there's still so much I want to do. So much to experience. So many things to see!

Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

There are urgent things. And there are important things.

Assignments (like the one I'm suppose to hand up soon) is urgent. Prayer is not urgent, but important. Well, I guess assignments are important as well, but grades come and go. Which leads me to a point: how we use our time shows what our priorities are. As a student, the bulk of my time is spend on uni-related things. And because of that, I used to think of time as chunks. There's study time, ICF time, God time, music time, doing-absolutely-nothing time (I should have more of that). I got it all wrong though. To think of time as chunks only shows the segregation, when every single area of my life should be one and integrated with Christ. God time, be it in prayer or reading the Bible is important, but I'm learning to have God in my mind constantly, to be prayerful, rather than to set aside a time for Him, and then forget about Him for the rest of the day.

And I should set aside time for music. There's a fantastic-looking, great-sounding piano here in Everton.(but fitted in a tiny room, making the sound louder than usual).

And maybe I should get a guitar.

And find the time in the midst of turbulence.

D I V A at 7:54 PM
0 drop(s) of love

Saturday, March 03, 2007

dear God

It has been a long and tiring week, filled with its own ups and downs. Despite it all, You've taught me great lessons that are, on my part, hard to learn and accept. Ah but You are ever gracious, ever patient.

You woke me up from unconsciousness. I was blind. Now I see. I see what you want, and I'm sorry. Sorry for many years of wrongful perception. I got caught up to the point I lost sight of the big picture. You helped me gain it back. It's all about you. Help me put You first in everything I do.

Thank you for a great time at Kiwi 101 and car rally. There were many areas where we could have improved, but Your presence was with us. All went well despite of the troubles we faced. As always. I don't even know why I was so stressed out anymore. At the end of the day, everything will be all right. Even if it isn't all right, there's always some good that will come out of the bad.

And it's all for You. It's all for love.

D I V A at 5:16 PM
1 drop(s) of love