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DELICIOUS AMBIGUITY ♥
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
sweet nightingale

Sweet nightingale with tears flowing down
She lay silent and still, releasing no sound
Her heart is pierced and sharp wounds were found
Dressed up with a smile to disguise her frown

Sweet nightingale with sadness in her eyes
Where are her dreams, her thoughts and youthful smile?
She turned to look for love everlasting
But only found a heart with a desperate cry, and dying

Sweet nightingale shed another heartbroken tear
To her surprise, a tender hand came and comforted her
He looked at her with heavenly delight
And said, “Don’t worry; you’re going to be all right.”

Sweet nightingale was left speechless
And left at awe at his loving caress
He patched up her wound and mended her brokenness
And taught her to have faith, have courage and be boundless

Sweet nightingale took a deep breath and closed her eyes
She started singing a song, and her heavenly father cries
Not tears of sorrow, but of joy and happiness
For sweet nightingale finally realized that his love is ceaseless

Sweet nightingale continued her superlative song
And her other half heard her from afar
He came to his heavenly father, singing her song
“Is sweet nightingale the one that I’ve waited for so long?”

Sweet nightingale met her other half’s loving gaze
For the longest time, she has yearned to see his face
Their heavenly father brought them before his throne of grace

And released them into the world, together, from heaven’s glorious gates
D I V A at 6:19 AM
2 drop(s) of love

Saturday, August 26, 2006
committee retreat 1

I am a beach freak. I love the feel of sand under my feet, the blaze of the hot morning sun, the wind blowing through my hair, and the touch of the cold, frozen water. I love sitting down at my favourite spot on the sandy shores, watching the waves hitting the beaches and be at awe at God's great creativity. As the song goes, "I stand in awe of Him who made the starry heavens.. I stand in awe of Him who made the stormy seas..." The sea gives me a sense of peace, and it deeply reflects my deepest longing of my soul. I want to be like the waters: strong and majestic like the rising of waves, and yet, providing a sense of tranquility, peace and beauty.

I was at Raumati Beach recently for my first ICF committee retreat. We talked through topics that will help us in our first baby steps as a committee. All of us, save for Leesha, are new in this. Even for Leesha, things seem different because she was Programs Coordinator before, and never had to bother about administration work. Now, she's also stepping into untread territory. Topis such as our vision, our goals, our plans-of-attack, building relationships with various people and organisations, using insiders' knowledge etc, was intense. I found out very quickly what being on committee demanded of me: sacrifice, and lots of it. Albeit the hardcore discussions that we have about God, all of us had a wonderful time bonding. I heard Jeremy sing for the first time. That's simply memorable. At our first night, all of us huddle together with the guitar and starting sing songs of praise. Leesha commented that singing together as a committee was something new, and she has never seen that before in the old committee. Yaay new blood!! When the old committee came, the Dowager Empress Esther made her specialities. Roast chicken for dinner and scones for breakfast the next day. Ooo the taste of roasted potatoes and kumara and onions and of course, the crispy, brown chicken skin and the soft, tender, yum chicken meat. Heaven food... Ooo the yummy, soft, buttered-and-drenched-with-chocolate scones filled my heart and stomach with absolute delight. *Sighs in pleasure* No wonder CK commented that I've grown fat around the waist. ARGH NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Operation losing weight will kick in.

Anyways... back to the original story. I was talking about the beach...

On the last morning of the retreat, I woke up at 8am, and decided not to sleep anymore. I went to bed with lots of thoughts in my head, and I need to think them through. I needed God, and I wanted to pray in stillness, quietness and solitude. So I went out into the louge, and opened the door, because I wanted to go to the beach. I saw two people sleeping in the louge. "Hmm.. I thought Aik Win alone was sleeping here.." I went to see who the other person was. Aik Win was on the floor, meaning there's another person on the bed, whom I later found out was Elaine. Aik Win stared at me from his sleeping bag as if he is staring at the ghost of Christmas past. I didn't say anything, ignored his stare and went out. He later made fun of me for, apparently, praying to Hai Long Wang (Dragon Emperor of the Seas).

I walked along the beach in a slow pace. The wind was strong, and I could hear it howling in my ears. I saw some small steps and what looked like a shelter from the wind, so I went there and stood, and prayed...

"I thank you Lord. I thank you Lord for the fact that I am here, at this beautiful place, all because of your blessings and grace. I thank you Lord for my mother whom I sorely miss. Thank you for her strength, her guidance and for her faith in You. I thank you Lord for my father, who has protected and provided for me since I was a child, and who loved me fiercely. I thank you Lord for my brother and for the blessings that you've poured out on Him. Thank you for the miracles that happened in his life. In one a half years time, he will be here in this beautiful country, although not in Wellington. But he will create such awesome and significant memories that will change his life forever. I thank you Lord for my sister. She is the strongest of us all, and the only one who still has an innocent and trusting mind. I thank you Lord for all the wonderful people that you have placed beside me all the years of my life. Yee Mun and Ai Lian, who were my best friends in primary school. I remember my other friends' faces, although I don't remember most of their names anymore. I remember laughter, fun and no worries. As for the people that I've met in high school, it would take me far too long to mention all of them. I remember the memories, the love that I felt and the bond that will always remain intact no matter what happens. I thank you Lord for the people that I've met in college and the lessons that I've learnt. I remember how I told you that my life was changed because of the bad experiences that I went through. It made me grow in maturity and wisdom. I thank you Lord for now, for the people here that I've met and yet to meet. I thank you for their prayers, support and sincere friendships. I've been blessed."

"Lord, I am afraid of what is in front of me. I am afraid that I'm not capable of doing what I'm suppose to do. I am afraid that I'll disappoint the people that I love and respect. I am afraid of leaving my comfort zone. I am afraid of being alone. Maybe it's just me. Maybe there's something wrong with me, and I'll never be able to find someone (other than You and family of course) that will be able to love me for the way I am. I can't pretend to be someone I'm not, although at most times characteristics that I don't have seem to attract more attention from other people. Now that You have called me to do Your works, I will try my very best to do it well, and to please you for the rest of my days. You have told me to wait. And still I am waiting. Lord I am afraid... I am afraid of uncertainties, of things that I yearn for and have not come to pass, of lack of abilities. Above all, I am afraid of loneliness."

And then I thought to myself, "Girl, you're all jumbled up. Even your prayer is not in order..."

A rainbow then appeared. A rainbow symbolises a promise God made to mankind. He promised that He will never destroy the Earth again using water. He was saddened on the day He wiped out the whole Earth, and left only Noah and the pairs of animals in the ark. I felt God telling me this: "This is my promise to you. No matter how hard things get, no matter how bad your trials seem to be, you will survive and triumph over it. I will not wipe out your world. I want to strech you, and streching is painful, but you will be more equipped to achieve the destiny that I have for you. Wait and see my glory manifested in your life. Wait for the one and don't settle for less. What's the point in caving to desperation? I know your greatest fear is loneliness, and being alone will drown your world. You were never alone, and will never be. I am always with you. Always. And I love you."

Thank you Lord...

I was closing my eyes, and then I opened them again to look at the rainbow. Right in the middle of the rainbow was a huge white cloud. I stared at it. For one split second, the cloud was in the shape of a huge heart. The shape of love.

WOWW.....

I blinked and looked again. The shape changed.

Did I imagine it all?
D I V A at 5:33 AM
0 drop(s) of love

Tuesday, August 22, 2006
ski trip ~ 19th - 21st August

Ski Trip is one of those events that will occur annually in ICF, almost becoming a convention and a tradition. Mt Ruapehu was the destination, and mid-winter was the season. When I was asked by Esther to help Jeremy and Pek Yi in organising the Ski Trip, I've already had quite a bit on my plate, but I thought that helping out would be a good experience, and it was. I have learnt a lot from the trip.

I took the task of handling money. I was constantly yelling at other people to pay up and setting up deadlines and sending out e-mails that scream "If you don't pay you're not going." But thank God that everything worked out well in the end. I drew up a budget but the actual figures exceeded what I had planned. Lots of money was spent on food and petrol. Especially petrol. Prices have gone up. Scarcity and inflation are the culprits. For this trip, a little less than half of the people who signed up were not from ICF. Whether this is a good thing or a bad thing is yet to be evaluated. Most of the them joined this trip because it is the cheapest, (way cheaper than Victoria International Ski Trip) and we'll probably never going to see them again. However, we hope that there will be good follow-ups and ICFers will keep in contact with them, and encourage them to come for the Friday meetings. Frankly this is not an easy task. Some of us, especially me, find it hard to go up to our own friends of other faiths and say, "Hey, wanna come for ICF?". It takes guts.

We stayed at Raurimu School throughout the duration of the trip. We went skiing on Sunday. We brought the Wellington weather right up to the mountains. The weather was absolutely HORRIBLE. There was hail, rain, wet wet snow, and more hail. Everyone was drenched and soaked. I went skiing for the very first time. The evidence of my clumsiness and loss-of-balance are shown by the bruises on my knees. Before I started skiing, I've already fell down twice trying to stand still in my skis. When I started skiing, I fell down a couple more times. I fell down when I was skiing down Happy Valley. I fell down when I came of the chair lift. I fell down when I saw Fiona. I fell down when I saw Elvin. After falling down a couple of times, I managed to ski down Happy Valley without falling down. It was great!! I started screaming at Buz and Fiona: "I DIDN'T FALL DOWN!! I DIDN'T FALL DOWN!!!" All the little kids in pink and blue parkas were looking at me and probably thinking "Damn.. you look stupid." After skiing a couple more times, I went into the bistro and had hot chocolate and chips. I couldn't stop my body from shaking and shivering. I sat there and tried helplessly to warm my hands. It wasn't until I changed my shoes and pants that I felt warmer and better.

The trip also allowed everyone to have opportunities for bonding. It was fun laughing at other people's antics and making jokes and playing games (Mafia and Mahjong dominated us as always). Daniel Po was dressed up like an al-Qaeda terrorist, Vivy was dressed up like an eskimo, and I looked like a lobster. Everyone was envious of Peng when he took out his instant noodles and poured boiling hot water in it and started savouring that simple dish. I heard that some people even wanted to buy it off him. The gang from China who came with us were the most prepared of them all. They brought everything. Hot water bottles, thermoflask, sachets of hot drinks, snacks, pillows, extra thick sleeping bags, instant noodles etc. They were really well-prepared.

The trip was fantastic and all of us have learnt a few lessons that will definitely help us in the next ski trip. The lessons learnt are:

- Wear waterproof clothing. Make sure everything is waterproof. Waterproof ski jacket, waterproof pants, waterproof beanie, waterproof scarf, waterproof socks, and most importantly, waterproof underpants (Dan kept complaining about how badly soaked his underwear was, and how he seriously wanted to microwave it).

- Plastic bag helps. We're planning to wear that in our next ski trip so that we won't get wet.

- Ski goggles!! Hail kept going into my eyes because I didn't have goggles on.

- Bring thermoflasks, instant noodles and more plastic bags.

Till next winter...
D I V A at 4:47 AM
3 drop(s) of love

Wednesday, August 16, 2006
what do you do?

What do you when you don't know how to do what you're suppose to do, but you don't want to screw up?

What do you do when your dreams are bigger than your abilities?

What do you do when your dreams seem so far away?

What do you do when other people seem to be able to do your job better?

What do you do when you want to stand firm in your dreams, and not let others sway you?

What do you do when there is a possibility that your dreams will never come to pass?
D I V A at 12:48 PM
4 drop(s) of love

Monday, August 14, 2006
step of faith <-> the ball

Step of faith....

What is your vision for ICF?
- That different people will come and join this group not only because of the activities we organised, but because they are interested in this guy call Jesus. This is what we are called to do in the end: to do missions on campus. My greatest motivation is to one day see the people closest to my heart become Christians.

How do you see youself achieving this vision?
- I hope that I will, slowly but surely, have the courage and the wisdom to lead a Discovering Jesus small group. I also hope to implement the Investigative Bible Discussion activity that I have learnt from conference into WICF. And I also hope to do missions through music and songs.

How do you want people to support you?
- Prayer and advice. I've never been active in any clubs before. This is the first. I don't know what to do as Treasurer. So I still need a lot of guidance and help from others. And I do enjoy mochaccino, so there's no harm in buying me one.

Something random...

Which New Zealand beer do you like?
- I don't like New Zealand beer...

Ok then, which beer do you like?
- Stella Artois

11 August 2006. I became Treasurer of International Christian Fellowship. The other committee members are Leesa (President), Fiona (Secretary), Elaine and Jeremy (General Executives).

I have no idea on how to go about doing this. But then, God never asked for talent. Talent is given. He asked for availability. And there is always people around me who will support and help me in this role. There is Aik Win, THE future auditor-bigshot who will teach me the trade, and there's always people from my smallgroup, lifegroup in church, and other wonderful friends who will uphold me in prayer. Thank you, Lord, for everything.

The ball...

Perhaps it is the differences in cultures, but from what I've always known, balls are supposed to be formal. With chiffon dresses and tuxedos. Flowers and beautiful tableclothes. Wine glasses and perfect china pieces. Hotels. Ballroom dancing. Orchestra music. Man, I was so wrong.

Ball=Clubbing.

Clubbing would have been cheaper though. But then, I didn't have to buy drinks at the ball. =) The life of a girl is absolutely fantastic. Haha.. It's not everyday where one can come across an opportunity to dress up, make up, accessorise and look absolutely gorgeous. Everyone looked beautiful that day. Maybe not at the dance floor but everyone sure looked good before some got really wasted. My first ball. Sigh..

The holidays are coming. Tests are coming. Assignments are due soon.

Hey, Fran. Duck. Here comes stress.
D I V A at 8:52 PM
2 drop(s) of love

Wednesday, August 09, 2006
walking through the wrong door

Vivian said something absolutely amazing to me few days ago...

"God puts a few doors in front of you. Sometimes you will choose the wrong door. And when you do, He will pull you out of the door and slam it shut, so that you won't get hurt. You need to have faith. Trust the Lord.."

And I thought I was the one who is Christian. The greatest lessons in life are taught by those whom you least expect. =) Thanks Vivi!

There are so many things that I wish I could do, but I know that if I do it, it will not be God's plans, and thus I will suffer the consequences for making bad choices. I wish I had a proper job so that I can have some savings. But with the commitments that I have and about to have, no employer would want to employ me because I'm busy all the time. I wish I can handle a few major responsibilities all at once, but I am not Superwoman. I am only a mere human with limited strength, energy and time to offer. Time management is so essential to me now. I don't want to experience the 'burn-out' stage, because I cannot afford to. The price to pay would be far too high. I wish that I can do lots of things, but I only have 24 hours a day, and to do them all would demand too much of me, to the point where I will have nothing left to offer. I will not have regrets in giving my all in things that I am passionate about. However, if my motives are anything other than passion, I will burn out. And yet, praise God! For He has opened my eyes and put a song in my heart! I see the reasons for my trials, and He has taught me to be wise in the decisions that I am about to make. He has promised to keep me away from harm, and will watch over my life.

I've made certain bad choices, but God has always stepped in before things got out of hand. When I walked through a wrong door, He never fails to pull me away and slam it shut. Most of the time, He sent loving people around me to care for me and give me advice. I have been advice to learn how to prioritise my responsibilities, and not to take too much on board. When God closes a door, He always opens a window, because the window will lead to a higher purpose, a greater calling, and to His perfect destination for us. I have made some decisions about prioritising my responsibilities, and have come to the conclusion that what I have on my plate now is just enough for me. I have my studies (which is the reason I'm in New Zealand) and the career-related dreams that I am yet to achieve; ICF of which I have a great commitment to and passion for; City Church's lifegroup which is composed of people who have become my family and support; and of course the friendships that I have made and the awesome relationships that have been built since I came here. All of these are enough for now. Maybe later on I can add on more things (like earning money so that my heart won't be scarred everytime I swipe EFTPOS), but for now, I am bliss =). ECON 140's consumer theory teaches that marginal utility is maximised when one reaches the "bliss" point, and further increases in goods/services will decrease utility, causing the person to be worse off than before. (In my world, this does not apply to 'heaven food' like chocolate cake and free dinners. Yuumm.) Economics is wonderful. It can be applied in everything!! (I've reached the level of geekiness but I don't care! I actually understand Economics. Yaay!!)

The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way? -Proverbs 20:24-

Life is a ride. Enjoy it.
D I V A at 8:03 PM
2 drop(s) of love

Friday, August 04, 2006
i have realized that

- sometimes success depends not on who you are, or what you can offer, or what are your abilities. Success depends on who you know.

Only sometimes.

There is no substitute for hardwork and perseverance.
D I V A at 4:20 AM
3 drop(s) of love

Thursday, August 03, 2006
books that i want to read

Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
The time traveller's wife - Audrey Niffenegger
The lovely bones - Alice Sebold
The power of one - Bryce Courtney
The bronze horseman - Paulina Simons
To kill a mockingbird - Harper Lee
Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
The other Boleyn Girl - Philippa Gregory
The bone people - Keri Hulme
River God - Wilbur Smith
A fine balance - Rohinton Mistry
The God of small things - Arundhati Roy
Tomorrow, when the war begin - John Marsden
Shipping news - Annie Proulx
Long walk to freedom - Nelson Mendela
The horse whisperer - Nicholas Evans
The Denniston Rose - Jenny Pattrick
My sister's keeper - Jodi Picoult
The pillars of the earth - Ken Follett
Watermelon - Marian Keyes
Tully - Paullina Simons
The other side of the story - Marian Keyes
Captain Corelli's mandolin - Louis de Bernieres
April Fool's Day - Bryce Courtney
The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
The Girl in the times square - Paullina Simons
Into the wilderness - Sara Donati
The tenth circle - Jodi Picoult
Four Fires - Bryce Courtney
The Whale Rider - Witi Ihimaera
The bridge to Holy Cross - Paullina Simons
Whitehorn - Bryce Courtney
A suitable boy - Vikram Seth
London - Edward Rutherfurd
White Gardenia - Belinda Alexandra
Shantaram - Gregory Roberts
The blind assassin - Margaret Atwood
The tea rose - Jennifer Donnelly

And a whole lot of other books

But I'm stuck reading textbooks. The same books over and over and over...

Sigh...
D I V A at 6:09 AM
1 drop(s) of love

Wednesday, August 02, 2006
beautiful things

The last ICF meeting got me thinking. Remember the scene from Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, where Froddo and Sam are climbing out Mount Doom trying to get rid of the ring of power? "... it's spring at home... eating the first of the strawberries with cream... the touch of grass..." Simple things, and yet, when the end seems so near, the beauty in simple, little things are expounded. But then, it will be too late.

Things that I find beautiful:

- raindrops being blown softly by the wind, and reflected by yellow street lights. Walk along the Terrace on a not-too-cold, drizzling night, and watch the street lights. You can see the movement of the rain, like soft, tiny needles falling to the ground.

- the rose garden in the Botanicals. While walking down to Tinakori Road, I saw the garden and couldn't resist walking in. The flowers were breathtaking. God is an artist that has a magnificient amount of creativity, which is reflected in the beauty of His creation.

- the small little stone steps on the way to the rose garden. During autumn, the steps were decorated by dried and fallen leaves. I felt like I was in a movie, and someone just pushed the 'pause' button.

- the taste of chocolate or peanut butter jelly sandwich. It is heaven.

- the taste of eclairs, banoffie pie, kiwifruit, ice cream, chicken, bubble tea... the list can go on and on and on and on....

- sunsets, especially when there are streaks of pink in the sky.

- Mission Bay, Auckland. I don't know how the place will look like during the day, but it was absolutely beautiful at night.

- Oriental Parade, Wellington. From my favourite spot, you can have a really good view of the whole city.

- knowing that you have made a positive difference in someone's life.

- the sound of rushing water.

- rivers, and the pebbles near the stream.

- the smell of the ocean, and the feel of sand under my feet.

- when someone sings or plays a song that I have been wanting to hear for the longest time. It makes me cry.

- hymns. This is the age of Planetshakers, Hillsong, United Live and the such. I love their songs. But it's good to listen to hymns every now and then. The lyrics always speak volumes to me, and I am left overflowing; astounded by God's grace.

- beautiful singing voices and piano music. The touch of the ivory keys under my fingers; watching the movement of the strings when playing a grand piano.

- night sky filled with stars. It makes me nostalgic. It reminds me of my past, and the memories that I cherish

- sunrise. It filles me with hope, as I know God will give me courage to go through another day.

- the Bible. It is God's love letter to me. It is 66 books long. That's the longest, the best, the most romantic, the most heart-breaking, the most dramatic, the most sincere love letter I'll ever receive.

- the sound of children's laughter; holding their hands; cuddling them when they are crying; waiting for their parents with them...

Coincidently enough, this is small Mel's current MSN nick: Life is not how many breaths you take, its the moments that take your breath away...
D I V A at 8:07 PM
0 drop(s) of love