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DELICIOUS AMBIGUITY ♥
Saturday, November 26, 2005
fran turns 19

On 26 November 1986 a sleepy and lazy baby girl was born in Queen Elizabeth's Hospital, Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. Her weight was 3.5kg and she was 2 weeks overdue.

She turns 19 today.

As I look back and reflect the past one year of my life, I realized that I'm not the same person I was before. I've changed, and the transformation is overwhelming. Throughout the year I've experienced wonderful feelings of joy and companionship. I've learnt harsh lessons that forced me to grow up and be mature. I laughed, I cried, I loved and I've tried to suppress and eventually eliminate hatred. I remembered meaningful conversations during late night suppers. I remembered overwhelming support from close friends during moments of trials and tribulations. I've learnt never to judge a book by its cover, and that sometimes things can't be what they used to be. I've learnt how to give up and let go. I've learnt to let things be instead of trying to change what I can't. With the death of Eunice Lee, I've learnt that life can be so fragile and unexpected. You may be born with a lot of potential but it doesn't mean that you'll live long enough to achieve the full measure of your life. I've learnt to be grateful for each passing day. I'm thankful for these 19 years and for everyone that has been apart of my journey through life.

Thank you God for a year full of love, grace, forgiveness, blessings, joy and peace. I need Your strength to help me continue living, as I am weak without You. I pray for wisdom and maturity beyond my years so that I may be wise in everything that I do. I pray for the ability and the will to love others as You have loved me. I pray that Your peace and grace will rule in my heart, so that my faith in You will not be shattered. My life is surrendered to You, my Lord, the one who gives me hope and bestowed me with undying love.

Thank you Mom and Dad for always putting me, my brother and my sister first in everything you do. Thanks Mom for the countless prayers and words of wisdom and the 'sermons' that you forced me to listen every night before I sleep. Thanks Dad for being my banker when I'm broke and my personal chauffer, especially when I'm in college. Thanks Dad for the novel (Dragon Lady by Stearling Seagrave) and I promise that I won't use Dowager Empress Tzu Hsi's tactics on you.

Thank you bro and sis, just for being alive. Your presence eases my boredom. I would have been such a spoilt and lonely person without both of you.

Thank you Sing Ho, Prisca, Enn Ruu, Zest, Jen Jin, Siew Sian, Anisha, Wang Xin, Sakinah, Xin Ci, Debbie, Muhin, Wee Chin, Raymond Seek, Woan Yee, Karen, Nam Yen, Tuck Hon... (and those that I've failed to mention.. my fault) for your kind wishes, SMSes, testimonials and such.. Thank you Aik Win for the card and the poem in the SMS.. hahaha.. If I've said it before, I'll say it again.. I love it dear. =) Thanks a million. Thanks again to Karen and Zest for lunch in Vientnamese Kitchen. Thanks again to Woan Yee for the time spent shopping with me in Sungei Wang. If I've failed to mention you.. I'm really sorry.. my memory is getting from bad to worse. A big sorry to my former classmates for not attending the BBQ at Ah Liow's place. I don't intend to be the one to spread the flu.

Oh yeah...

Thanks Mr. Warren for the book. I'm pretty sure its not for my birthday but I didn't get to thank you properly. Hahaha..I finished reading it that day itself. =)

It feels good to be young and knowing that you have at least 10 more years to feel young. When I hit 30, I will probably need to start using anti-ageing creams.
D I V A at 9:50 PM
1 drop(s) of love

Wednesday, November 23, 2005
with every 'hi', there will be a 'goodbye'

Dalam setiap pertemuan, mesti ada perpisahan. Begitulah lumrah hidup ini. (With every 'hi', there will be a 'goodbye'. That is how life is.)

I have completed another stage of life. I'm finishing college.

I closed my Moral Studies answer script and question paper. I quietly gathered my pens and pencils, and stood up. I looked around me and saw really really long answers which paled in comparison to mine. I'm comforted myself by saying my writing is really small and naturally my answers will be short. I took my water bottle, arranged my answer script on the table and walked to the end of the room, trying not to make too much noise (darn heels..noisy). I looked at the people who have been my classmates for the past one and a half years, and at the same time thought of all the others that I've met. Memories came flooding through my mind.

I remembered...

- the first day I stepped into KDU. I couldn't find the way to the 4th floor using steps.
- first time attending Economics class. I drew the Production Possibility Curve wrongly.
- Mr. T.J. Chiam. He told the class that he was leaving when there's 5 more minutes to go in his last class with us. And we went, "Har??? Now only you tell us ar??"
- Lunch with Ms Elsie and Suk Chern. It was the first time I had lunch with a lecturer and I appreciated the chance on getting to know her on a personal level. She's one of the best teachers that I've met and I'm eternally grateful for her dedication and hard work.
- My 18th birthday. I remembered the presents (quite a few soft toys) and the home-baked cake by Suk Chern. It was one of the happiest days of my life.
- When I received my first semester results. All the hard work was worth it, but I remembered feeling stressed out because the next semester will be tougher.
- Doing Adobe Photoshop assignments. Ah Pang had to tell me step by step what to do.
- Going to 1 Utama for the first time alone. I got lost. And when I was in foundation year, I went to that place less than 5 times. Shopping was a luxury that I couldn't afford. Sigh...
- Going jogging with Wee Chin.
- Steamboat in Suk Chern's house. I had my first taste of wine.
- When I received my final results. I breathed a sign of relief. I wanted to do better but I guess I just need to be content.
- Late night suppers with Debbie, Muhin, Sakin, Prakash and occasionally the juniors.
- Planet Shakers concert. Thanks Nai Chen! Hope to see you soon in New Zealand.
- Going to 1 Utama frequently during the LAN semester. Now I have the map of 1 Utama in my head, plus Mid Valley.
- Going to Sungei Wang with Woan Yee. Now I have a new shopping destination.
- Long and meaningful conversations with Sakin, Debbie and Muhin. These people are the greatest friends anyone can ever hope for.
- Watching Bleach with Sakin. I'm downloading the latest episode and I feel sad because I won't be watching it with her in her room anymore.
- Going 'BOHAHAHAHAHA' with Xin Ci. She's the only one who's willing to join me in the stupidity of the act.
- Lang Tengah Island. I didn't want to go back. I wanted to stay there and continue swimming, snorkeling, playing pool, singing karaoke, eating barbequed food....when I reached K.L., the haze almost choked me. There wasn't any haze in Lang Tengah.
- Mr Warren's Moral Studies class. I'm really going to miss learning something that I can actually apply in life.
- Cafe 87's American Chocolate Cake. Man it was delicious.

And lots lots more which I can't remember at the moment...

I stuffed my things into my bag, look around once more, and walked out the door. It was my last day in college, and I don't think I'll be back. Well, there's the graduation of course, but other than that, this place will now be a memory.
D I V A at 8:39 PM
1 drop(s) of love

Saturday, November 12, 2005
fran needs

I got this from Slade. Type 'your name' with the word 'needs' after it in Google and you'll see amazing results. Eg: 'fran needs'

Here are my results...

~Fran needs your input and planning (I sound like a multi-billion company's big shot)

~Fran needs to find a life, and this does not entail marrying Steve (Aikz.. life centered around marrying Steve?)

~Fran needs to stay in the Big 12 race next year and win the Big 12 in two or three years (huh? What's Big 12?)

~Fran needs to follow up with people who have signed up on the web site but have not sent in their money. (So I'm a hunter for debtors now?)

~Fran needs him, and Edith cries (Aww...)

~Fran needs about $3500 a month (Oh yeah!! Preach it, brother!!! What an awesome statement!!!!!!)

~Fran needs the Chuddy goodness. (Well I could use a little goodness...)

~Fran needs her tubes tied (Erm..)

~Fran needs his dangerous skills. (I think I may have a been a Chow Kit Road 'Big Sister' before...)

Are you laughing? Kinda funny huh...

You'll love the next one.. you'll be in hysterics..

Read on..

The best result of them all..

~Fran needs to pose for Playboy, or better yet, Penthouse!

If any wise guy out there tries to tell you what you need, tell him to get a life.
D I V A at 8:36 PM
1 drop(s) of love

Friday, November 11, 2005
what drives you?

The dates for exams are confirmed. I'll be sitting for Malaysian Studies on the 21st of November and Moral Studies on the 22nd. As the scheduled dates for the exams clashed with the all-important-and-obligatory JPA camp, the Head of Department has brought forward the exams by one week for all the government scholars. I'm already into the 3rd chapter of the Malaysian Studies textbook and I'm not really sure what I'm reading. This is because the subject itself is unbearably boring, (I've been hearing the name 'Parameswara' since I was in Primary 4. Give me a break, will ya?), and also because some of what is written in the book are either things that I've never heard before or things that clashed with everything that I've learned before. So, I don't know what is right and what is wrong now. When answering the questions in the exam later, do I write what's written in the textbook or what I think is right? Authors writing history please take note: history are based on facts and not opinions. Don't confuse me. I'm already blur enough. I haven't started on Moral Studies yet, but dear Mr. Warren has made things so much easier by posting all the info in easy to read form on the Internet. Ahh...=)

On Wednesday night, Planet Shakers was in Malaysia. I went to the worship concert in Sunway Pyramid with Nai Chen. Actually I only got to know about the concert when Nai Chen told me on Wednesday itself. He was sitting behind me in the bus. When I was about to leave, he suddenly said:" Hey, I'm going for the Planet Shakers concert later. Wanna come?" With my eyes enlarged, I replied:" THE Planet Shakers?? They're here??" "Yeap, the original band!" So phone numbers were exchanged in a haste and after class, we took the bus to Sunway Pyramid. The concert itself was a BLAST, but I think the target groups was secondary school kids. Most of the teens there are really small and bubbly and half my size. Gosh they made me feel old. The speaker was a black guy from America and he's in Malaysia for the very first time. His name is Reggie. Reggie said a lot of things. Most of them were funny. A lot of his words were touching and heart-rendering. He can really connect with the whole.. erm.. congregation? (wrong word.) He speaks to 1.5 million teens a year so its not a wonder. The most memorable thing he said was this:"Man, there are no ugly people in Malaysia. Really!! I don't see anybody that's ugly here!!!" Ain't that true...:D

After the concert, Nai Chen's brother was kind enough to give me a lift back to the hostel. At 12am, Nai Chen, Kevin, Kevin's girlfriend (I forgot to ask for her name) and I went out for supper. Nai Chen and I were talking about our faith, exchanging experiences and thoughts and also our challenges, hopes and dreams.

Nai Chen: Have you read the book 'The Purpose Driven Life'?
Me: By Rick Warren. I have it at home but I haven't read it yet. You read it?
Nai Chen: Erm.. halfway through lah.
Me: Hahahaha...Well somebody told me the gist of it anyway. The purpose of our lives is to worship God, serve God.. bla bla bla.. right?
Nai Chen: Well, I didn't finish reading it, but I remember one part of the book particularly well.
Me: Oh?
Nai Chen: It goes like this: People who are living this life are driven by something. Some are driven by wealth. Some by fame. Some by successes. Some are driven by their businesses....What drives you?
Me: *Speechless and suddenly plunged into deep thought*

This is my answer:

I don't know.

I know the 'proper' or 'correct' answer is God, but I cannot give that answer whole heartedly. Stop for a while and think for yourself. If you're a student, why are you forcing and encouraging yourself day after day to continue studying and passing up assignments and excelling in exams? So that you can get a degree/masters/PhD? After you got all that, then what? Then you'll go and search for employment and opportunities to be successful. After you got all those, then what else is there? Then maybe you'll go into real estate and investments or the stock market to make your money grow so that you can provide for your parents, your kids, your kin, your charity... and then what else is there? If you're working, why are you going through the daily cycle of getting up, going to work, slaving yourself for some big shot, go home, get dinner, go to bed.. day after day after day? For a pay cheque? For a promotion? For the 'big break' that will make life seem all better? If you're old and at the end of of your twilight, why are you pushing yourself to pop in those colourful pills and taking in those injections and going for medical checkups and eating all those different type of chinese medicinal herbs and God knows what else..? Is it because you're afraid to die? Is it because you still have unfinished businesses or dreams that haven't been achieved? Why are we doing what we are doing? Is it because of fear? Is it because of obligation? Is it for money?Is it because it is the right and noble thing to do? What is the purpose of it all?

Most of us probably heard of or associated with people who know exactly what they are driven by. We hear of business people who will go all out to secure those big deals to expand their monopoly and business empire so that they can earn more money because they know what drives them: money. History has shed light on leaders who will do everything and anything for power, fame, glory and deification, eg: Hitler, Mao Ze Dong, Stalin...and by doing so their own people had to bear costs, pain, humiliation, poverty and suffering that they do not deserve. These leaders also know what drives them: power, and their names will always be remembered by all generations of the earth, even though they are known as the 'bad guys'. Some are driven by a cause that they are passionate about. Charles Bertling left his home in the States and went to Thailand with little money, no contacts and no knowledge of the local language because he is driven by what he claimes to be his purpose in life: the poor, needy, sick and unwanted children of Thailand. He knows for sure that this is what God wants him to do. Mother Theresa was willing to endure the worst possible living conditions in Calcutta to serve the poorest of the poor because she knew that is her purpose in life and God's will for her. And that kept her going until the day she died. There are many people out there who know what is driving them. The force driving them may be more noble and holier-than-thou, or it may be worse than Lucifer himself.

But at least they know. I don't know what's driving me.

I've always been one who sailed through life in an easy-going and laidback manner. I know my life is not perfect and there are a hell lot of bumps and roadblocks along the way. Tears were shed and my heart was broken and tore into pieces. However I've always managed to accept my life as it is. Bumps can be overcome. Roadblocks can be crossed. Tears can be swept away. My heart has already been mended although the scars will never go away. But I still don't know what's my purpose in life. I know the general answer: Worshipping God, becoming a faithful disciple, serving in ministry, evangelism, fulfilling the will of God.... but why am I here precisely? Why was I born human and not a cat? Why am I here? What am I suppose to do? What is God's will for me? I don't want to live my life not knowing what I'm meant to do, what I'm capable of doing and what I'm able to achieve. Life is too precious for the answer 'I don't know', but I know I'll know the answer eventually.

Sidetrack..

My grandmother is sick. Few years back the doctors said she had an enlarged heart with irregular heart rhythm. She suffered, but eventually she became okay. In fact, she was getting so healthy that she was travelling all around Sabah to see her sons/daughters/grandchildren/great-grandchildren. But she's sick again.

Normally she always tell my mother that if we're a little short on the financial side, there is no need to go back to Sabah.

This time she is asking us to go back. She asked about me. She wants to see me.

I don't know much about my grandmother. I was never really close to her, but I know she loves me and thinks of me often. I don't even know her birthday. I only know her full name:Immeliana Buagang. Nice eh?

I need to go back to Sabah, the Land below the Wind, the place of my birth, my second home.
D I V A at 9:15 PM
1 drop(s) of love

Monday, November 07, 2005
trying out new skins and templates

So I've changed my blog skin again. This will probably go on for a while because I'm still finding one that's suitable. Do bear with me yeah. The navigation is a lil' different. To comment, click 'comments' at the end of the post. You will see the opening page with the title of the blog 'Delicious Ambiguity' reappearing. Then go to 'Journal', and you'll see the post that you want to comment on. At the end of the post you will see the link to comment. Please bear with me. I'm still finding the right skin here. =)
D I V A at 1:05 AM
0 drop(s) of love

Sunday, November 06, 2005
where is the love?

So I've changed the skin on my blog. I hope it's working fine. The navigation is a bit different though, especially when reading comments. When you want to read the comments, you will see the opening page reappearing first. You'll have to click 'my life', and you'll be able to view the post and the comments of the post at the bottom. It was kinda hard trying to find a new skin because most of the nice ones already have a theme on their own, like 'Fallen Angel' (which is really beautiful) and 'Falling In Love' or something like that. I was trying to find a skin that will allow me to maintain the original theme 'Delicious Ambiguity', and the designer of this skin is one of few blog skin creaters that construct skins that way. Kudos to her!

Today's church service was a heart-rendering one. The story about the adulterous women who was going to be stoned was told countless times, over and over again. We tell it to the kids in Sunday School, we discussed it during Bible Studies, we hear the pastors and preachers and evangelists preached about it all the time. The story potrays one of the most powerful demonstration of forgiveness of sins while at the same time, exhibiting the judgemental side of humans.

Humans have a great tendency to judge other people based on what they have done wrong in the past. It really doesn't matter how many good deeds you have done. If you have done a grave sin in the past, and others got wind of it, that one sin has the power to cancel all the good things you have done for others. That is probably why ex-convicts, detoxed drug addicts, ex-gamblers, ex-prostitutes etc. sometimes have a hard time fitting in into society. People always like to look the worst in us and judge us based on that.

At dawn Jesus appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

Most preachers will use this story to teach about forgiveness, equating the crowd who was about to stone the woman as everyday people like us. I've seen how bitterness, unforgiveness, anger and hatred can destroy lives, dash hopes and obliterate dreams. I've made an oath to God and to my soul a long time ago that I'll never allow any circumstances to bind me in hatred, and I still hold on to that oath today. I don't want to know what it is like to hate. I want to know what it is to be able to love unconditionally. However, today, when I hear and read that story again, I felt myself being placed in the situation of the adulterous woman for the first time.

Have you ever been in situations where you were put under the spotlight and accused for wrongs that you have done, and at that time, feeling ashamed and worthless, longed for forgiveness and pardon? Have you ever yearned for someone to tell you that "Hey..it's ok. Everybody makes mistakes. You're forgiven."? I know I was in that situation before, and I've yearned for those words.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one by one, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

When I walked into church today there was a stone on my seat with "John 8:7" written on it. "If anyone of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Today the pastor asked us to hold the stone in our hands, and then let it go, as a symbol of 'letting go our hatred and be forgiving'. When I picked up that stone, I made another promise to my soul. I promised myself that while living this life I will lean on the side of love rather than on the side of judgement. The tendency to judge is always greater than love, but it in the long run, it is easier to love rather than judge, because judging and hating takes up a lot of energy. It makes you frown and gives you unnecessary baggage in life. Life is already tough as it is. At least loving can make you smile all day long.
D I V A at 5:20 PM
0 drop(s) of love

Wednesday, November 02, 2005
i got this from sakinah

Sir Lump Mad Hurry Rare Year Ideal Fit Tree Moo Lee Year, Ma Half Za Hair Bar Teen, Too Loose Dairy Hearty Young Eek Class, Sorry I Baroo Ball Leak Dairy London. Hehehe..

Read it slowly. You'll get what it means.
D I V A at 5:11 PM
1 drop(s) of love

Tuesday, November 01, 2005
of happiness, actions and problems

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem. ~Richard Bach, Author of Jonathan Livingston Seagull~

It took me quite a while to understand the above statement.

Have you ever found yourself in situations where your emotions are tied to the actions of others? If he/she does this, you'll feel happy, or if he/she does that, you'll feel downcast. We live in such a vast world with disperse communities, and yet the world is close-knitted enough where certain actions will determined the fate, destiny and emotions of many. The act of kindness of one man can change the fate of another. The act of cruelty of one man can also bring about the destruction of a nation. Such are human beings, independent in thoughts and philosophies of life, and yet having a great sense of reliance on others for support, encouragement, love, mercy and happiness.

The quote states: if the actions of others have the power to determine your happiness, then you have a problem. The problem, I presumed, lies not with others, but with ourselves.

When a woman's husband walks out on her to be with a younger, sexier and apparently 'far more perfect' woman than herself, doesn't the action of her husband have the power to determine her happiness?

When a man loses his job because of company cutbacks, and he was fired because he was one of the newer employees, and not because he's not good at the job, doesn't that action of the company the power to determine his happiness?

When a single father lost his only daughter to a rapist-cum-murderer, doesn't the action of the scum have the power to determine his happiness?

But when you actually sit and think about it, it's far too dangerous to let someone else have that kind of power. It makes you far too vulnerable. It's as if your happiness has already been decided, and you're not the decision maker, and you don't have any say. And that's when it hit me: Happiness is really a lot like love. It's a choice.

I guess when people allow the outer circumstances to plague them and influence their lives, they will never be free from that dark hole. They will think that the dark hole is created by others to bind them, when in reality that dark hole in their lives is really created by themselves, because they can't let go of the past. They carry that baggage all throughout their lives, allowing themselves to be chained and thus never experiencing true happiness because they're being held back by the actions of others. I guess that there comes a point in life where one will have to choose to let go so that he/she can finally soar and be truly free. And after freedom comes happiness, because he/she has finally been rid of the dark hole, and is now under the bright morning sun.

I hate the fact that I'm vulnerable enough to allow others to influence how I feel, but I realized at the end of the day, I'm the one who should decide what I should feel. It ain't easy to control outburst of emotions, but that is a lesson, if learnt, will armed me through the storms of life. If I'm in control of what I feel, I will be able to draw up enough courage to overcome fear, sadness, heartbreaks and disappointments from others. That way, I know I'll be able to stand up again after I've been strucked down. That way, I'll be able to love and forgive more, and feel less hatred.

I think that's how Jesus can love those who hate Him. He doesn't allow the actions of others to ever influence how He feels.
D I V A at 6:46 PM
1 drop(s) of love