DeLiCiOuS aMbIGuItY

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

shark bites

F. - "There are only so many shark bites I can take. Another one more and I'll be gone."

A.K. - "Nah. You'll get through it. You always do, and you never seem to lose hope."

But I'm afraid one day I will.

And yet I know I can't because life is not done with me yet, which means more shark bites will come, and the worst is probably not even here yet.

Labels: heart soul mind

D I V A at 7:18 PM
0 drop(s) of love

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

wellington

This downtown apartment sure makes me miss home
And those bills there on the counter
keep telling me I'm on my own
And just like every Sunday I called up momma last night
And even when it's not, I tell her everything's all right
Before I hung up, I said, "Hey momma, don't forget

To tell my baby sister I'll see her in the fall
And tell me-maw I miss her
Yeah, I should give her a call
And make sure you tell daddy that I'm still his little girl
Yeah I still feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be
Don't forget to remember me"

-Carrie Underwood-

I'm back in Wellington. There are times when I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be, like in the song, but where I am now is danger zone, away from my comfort. It seems so awkward, these little actions that I used to do, and then did it no longer, and now doing it again. Walking instead of having the comfort of a car, paying for my own meals, scrounging for my food, thinking of bills and rent and living expenses, and many more. Orientation is next week and I'm scared out of my wits. Other fund-raising events are always at the back of my mind. Other thoughts are constantly floating in my head. One of them is studies. I met up with Jia Yin recently, and its hats off to her. Seeing her struggle (and yet doing well!) has made me afraid of what lies ahead of me. And yet I know, in everything that I do, I am not alone. He watches me. He cares for me. And His love transcends all. Oh if only this thought will constantly be in my head. I will worry so much less! I should begin to train my mind to have this thought: I am not alone. He watches me.

The fragility of humanity. Like glass. Easily broken, and have been broken many times, but His love held the pieces and glued them again. And it's the same for all humans, not just myself. In that sense, I'm not alone. I struggle. So do others. And that is perhaps the most beautiful thing about humanity: we struggle, we shatter like glass, and yet we have in us the ability to survive. We just have to find it, and I found it in Jesus. He saw me through thick and thin. I am not alone. He watches me.

.....

I wish I can tell you how much I long for your friendship, your advice, your counsel. Was the past so bad to the point that the wall erected will never fall? I miss you, friend.

.....

Perhaps this is where I'm supposed to be: danger zone. But home will always be where I belong.

It's like the song:

"Maybe surrounded by a million people, I still feel all alone, I just wanna go home....

Another aeroplane, another sunny day, I'm lucky I know, but I wanna go home"

But... where is home?

They say home is where the heart is.

It's like the song:

"Once you found your lover, you are homeward bound, love is all around"

Home is in the arms of the one who loves you. A lover. An enduring friend. A wonderful family member. Him who watches over me. I want to be home. Always.

JT: I'm so sorry for what happened.

Labels: heart soul mind, wellington

D I V A at 3:52 AM
2 drop(s) of love

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

wolf in sheep's clothing

Here's a thought:

Most people think the devil has two horns and a tail.

More often that not, he may be the guy (or lady) sitting next to you in church, with his expensive black suit and silk red tie, (or her expensive black dress with her Prada handbag) with a Holy Bible in his (her) hand, screaming "Hallelujah" and "Amen".

You can never know.

Labels: heart soul mind

D I V A at 10:47 PM
1 drop(s) of love

Thursday, January 04, 2007

wait

Learn to labour and to wait -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow-

If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life -Oscar Wilde-

......

Sometimes time flies by so fast that the wait seems only like a brief moment. As for other times, the wait seems too much of a burden to bear. But why wait? Carpe Diem! Seize the Day! Dr. Robert Anthony said that "waiting is a trap. There will always be reasons to wait. The truth is, there are only two things in life: reasons and results, and reasons simply don't matter." Some people can't wait. Others wait far too long.

Perhaps it depends on the objective of the wait. What are you waiting for?

If the objective is the result of an exam, or a job offer after an interview, and you know that you've done your best, what else can you do but WAIT?

If the objective is to board a flight, and you know you're late, what else can you do but NOT WAIT?

If the objective is earnings from investments, the decision between WAIT and NOT WAIT can be fatal. You can gain or lose everything.

If the objective is an answer to a prayer, it's really not your say as you have left the issue of timing in the hands of God. You just have to WAIT.

If the objective is a person, there really is no easy answer. If someone crosses your path, do you NOT WAIT and jump at the chance or do you WAIT? If you choose to jump, why? Is it because you're afraid of being alone, or because you're absolutely sure that this person is meant for you? If you choose to wait, why? Is it because you're afraid of getting hurt, or because you're not sure whether this person is the real deal? And then there's the OTHER question. What if no one crosses your path? Will you flex your eye muscles and screen every person that comes along your way, or will you wait, or will you just not care?

Truth is, Dr. Anthony is wrong. Reasons matter. The REASON for the wait or action matters. There are certain reasons that demand attention, thus we cannot wait. There are other reasons that demand patience, thus we have to wait. And there are certain things that only the wait can teach us: patience, appreciation, thanksgiving and understanding. We wait, and thus we learn patience. When the wait is rewarded, we learn appreciation. When the one who relieves the wait receives praise, we learn thanksgiving. And even though the wait is not rewarded, we can learn why, if we manage to put aside the disappointment and frustration, and so we are given a higher understanding.

Someone once shared with me that waiting projects a sense of expectation. Sadly, sometimes expectations fail, but not always. The Israelites waited for 400 years for Moses. One cannot say that those who have died before his arrival waited in vain, because he did come. Many prophets who foretold about the birth of Christ died before He came. One cannot say they waited in vain, because He did come. As for dear Jacob, he laboured and waited for 14 years for Rachel. I guess that's what Henry Wadsworth Longfellow meant: labour and love. Some things/people/events etc. are worth the wait, because these things create changes for the better.

.....

A funny and yet seemingly true quote that I found:

"Women are like apples on trees, the best ones are on the top of the tree. The men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and don't want to get hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't so good but easy. So, the apples on the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing. They just have to WAIT for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top because they value quality."

Labels: heart soul mind

D I V A at 11:01 PM
3 drop(s) of love

Friday, December 29, 2006

"the old has passed, the new has come"

2006. 1st year in University. 19 turning 20. Roomates with Princess Fi. Seremban to Wellington. Kelburn Campus. Weir House. ICF member to Treasurer. City Church. Lifegroup. Had a hard time finding a mentor and was thinking of how am I going to get through it all alone. Straight. Was forced to expand social circle because had no friends but after social circle has been set, became more intimidated by new faces. Self-confidence at a so-so level. Growing faith in God. Tried to read the Bible everyday but failed miserably. No scrapbooking because not a camera whore. Learn a little guitar but seldom spend time on the piano. Exercise is a vulgar word and it's right up there with "gym". Nights at Oriental Parade with lots of good conversations. Coffee. Tried quite a few restaurants in town and thus became a tad pudgy. Less than 5 CDs. Not much time for movies. Good friends. Was told that I'm crude at times.

2007. 2nd year in University. 20 turning 21 (legally adult. HA!) Flatting with 3 Kiwi would-be lawyer males and a future scientist. Wellington. Pipitea Campus. Everton Hall. ICF Treasurer and who knows what else. Arise Church. Lifegroup. New found mentor. (Thanks Rubee!) Wavy (getting it done this coming Friday). Not too intimidated by new people. More self-confidence. More faith in God. Finish reading the Bible. Scrapbooking. Become a camera whore. More practice on the piano. Gym. More starry nights and good conversations at Oriental Parade (but cut down on the gelato). More coffee. Less eating. More CDs. More movies. More friends. Less crude. More ladylike (that's almost impossible but who cares). Strength, courage and faith to do God's will, whatever that might be, regardless of my likes and dislikes. To be better: in studies, in music, in relationships with God and people, in personality and in my commitments. More books. More wallpapers. A job. More smiles and dimples. More hugs. Less fights. Less what-ifs. Less dwelling on the past. More living in the present. More looking forward to the future. More dreams. Higher goals. More trust. More hope. Less distrust. And much much more love.

Live each season as it passes. Breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourselves to the influence of each - Henry David Thoreau-

Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact - Henry James-

Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone, and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering -Ian Scott Taylor-

Then Jesus said to His disciples:" Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! -Luke 12:11-24, The Bible, NIV-

Labels: heart soul mind

D I V A at 10:02 PM
1 drop(s) of love

Monday, December 11, 2006

Now there's a wall between us. Something there's been lost

-Bob Dylan-

Nothing can make up for the absence of someone whom we love. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; He doesn't fill it, but on the contrary, He keeps it empty and so helps us to keep alive our former communion with each other, even at the cost of pain. The dearer and richer our memories, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude changes the pangs of memory into a tranquil joy. The beauties of the past are borne, not as a thorn in the flesh, but as a precious gift in themselves.

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer-

Labels: heart soul mind

D I V A at 5:52 PM
4 drop(s) of love

Sunday, December 03, 2006

drink with me

Drink with me to days gone by
To the life that used to be
At the shrine of friendship never say die
Let the wine of friendship never run dry
Here's to you and here's to me

Somtimes it hurts, because it feels like I've lost a really good friend. It may not be so, but that's what it feels like sometimes.

Labels: heart soul mind

D I V A at 1:07 PM
2 drop(s) of love

Sunday, November 26, 2006

2-0

26th November 1986. It was twenty years ago.

And now my second decade in this dance called "Life" begins. I can't believe how much has changed over the past one year. I know for sure that I'm a different person.

God has certainly opened the eyes of my heart, and has challenged and altered my views on many things. Through the ups and downs, He has always been there. Though the road was filled with sorrow, He helped me overcome it all. There is still so much more to learn and experience, and many more wonders about the Lord that I still am yet to know. Yet He has revealed so much of Him to me this year.

In this year, I've experienced such a great life in New Zealand; formed many wonderful bonds that I'm confident will last for a lifetime; started, endured and finished 1st year of university and realising that maybe I am cut out to be an accountant (just maybe); joined a lifegroup and met people who are now like family; joined ICF and now became part of the committee; greatly increased my love for music and the beauty of the beach; ate so much ice cream and chocolate cake (I've eaten more than I've ever had in my entire life); developed a liking for coffee (mocha in particular), sushi and bubble tea; managed to live in a small congested room with a great roomate in a crazy, sex-and-alcohol driven hostel; realised how absolutely wonderful Jesus is and the lessons that He has taught me; fell in love; got heartbroken and yet still 'plodded' through because Jesus heals the broken hearted; improved on playing the guitar but I still have a long way to go; became crazy about Jars of Clay, Jack Johnson and John Mayer, and have sudden urges to dance when I listen to some of their songs...

I'm changed. And hopefully for the better.

Here's to another wonderful year ahead.

Labels: heart soul mind, musings

D I V A at 10:04 AM
5 drop(s) of love

Sunday, November 19, 2006

SLC 2006 <-> home

Current song stuck in my head - "Why Can't I?" by Liz Phlair

Get a hold of me, get a hold of you
Walking down the street
And I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be

Holding hands with you when we're out at night
Got a girlfriend you say it ain't right
And I got someone waiting too

....

Isn't this the best part about breaking up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who will care for you too

...

SLC was life-changing. Time and again I was challenged to draw closer to God and to be bold in spreading the gospel. The most important lesson that I've learnt was the significance and the importance of the Word of God. To understand God one must understand His Word. But too often I've neglected His Word, mainly due to the liberty of worship that I always take for granted. I am determined to read His Word, not just for the sake of reading it, but also to understand its context and meaning. I was also challenged to be bold for the Word of God on campus. Being a naturally shy person, (although this trait is not really evident now but its true), I find it hard to strike up conversations with people that I don't know. The field trip in SLC was thus a huge challenge for me. The task was to strike up conversations with strangers and to just listen to their story. (I don't think this is applicable in Malaysia.) If the issue of God creeps into the conversation, praise be. If it doesn't, it's still ok. This is such a useful skill on campus, especially in building relationships and spreading the Word of Jesus not only through words, but through lifestyles as well.

I've also met lots of awesome people all over New Zealand, and had a great time exchanging life stories and ideas. The weather however was absolutely horrible, having only one day of sunshine but rain all week. I was sick all week. I'm still sick now.

I'll be heading of to the airport in about 14 minutes. Leesha is suppose to drop me off but she's not awake yet. Hmm.. I'm going home. The thought hasn't really sunk in yet. I hope the flight won't make my sickness worse.

I don't know how I'm suppose to react. Mixed feelings. I miss my family and friends back home. But New Zealand has been like a little home to me too. Just a few weeks back, my plans for the holidays were totally different. Ah life. Changes creep in and WHAM! You don't know what hit you.

I'm going home.

Lord, I know all I need is you. Still my past haunts me

Labels: heart soul mind, musings

D I V A at 7:57 PM
2 drop(s) of love

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

birthday dinner <-> committee retreat 2

6th of November.
6pm-ish
In my room, Weir House, the craziest hostel in the world
Preparing for dinner and being girly

It was a rainy day. I was hoping that the rain would stop, but it seems that the Wellington weather didn't show me any kindness. I spent the past hour trying to look nice. After a long, hot shower, I put on the new white tube dress that I just bought. After having tried on far too many styles of dresses over the years, experience told me that there are only certain type of dresses that will fit the body that I have. Tube dresses are one of the very few. I love them. Fi was kind enough to lend me her accessories and her most expensive pair of shoes. It was a white pair of heels with pearls from Blay. Images of that small shop in 1U flashed in my mind. "I miss home", I thought. But I didn't dwell on such thoughts. I wanted the night to be a good one. I spent quite a while putting on make up, trying on different stylings of hair. Do I put my hair up? What do I tie it with? Hairband? I settled for a white hairband. It's been so long since I wore one. Some mishapes happened which involved a hairdryer and detergent, but let's not talk about that. No one noticed. Jeremy was kind enough to give Fi and I a ride. It would be horrible to walk all the way to Oriental Parade in the bad weather.

6th of November
7.30pm
Fisherman's Table, Oriental Parade.
Earlied 20th birthday dinner

I heard different views about the food in Fisherman's Table. Some said it was really good. Some said it was absolutely horrible. Most said that the portion was too small. One told me that the portion was so large to the point that I should start starving if I were to have dinner there. I don't know who to believe. In fact, I don't really care. I don't even eat fish. The only reason I chose Fisherman's Table was because it was near the beach. And everyone who knows me well knows that I love the beach, especially at night.

Some people who said that they'll come didn't come, and I had some last minute cancellations, but around 30 people came. It was a good turnout. The Kia Maians came abit later, but it was all good. I was the only one who didn't have seafood for dinner. I think I had apricot chicken or something like that. It made me feel weird in a "special" way. But it didn't matter anyway. I was special that night. Haha..It was all about me. Everyone came up and told me that I looked stunning. Instead of saying "thank you", I said "The shoes and accessories belong to Fi. Half of the stuff on me is not mine." They just stared at me and laugh. Elaine told me to shut up and not tell anybody. Just say "thank you very much." I told my friends that I don't eat fish. Any other kind of seafood is fine, but not fish. Then in a loud voice came the question, "then what are we doing in FISHERMAN'S TABLE?" Everyone laughed. All I did was pointed to the sea. The view was astoundingly breathtaking, but crappy Wellington weather had to destroy it. Ah imperfections.

Some people left early. Apparently there's another party at Stafford House. For those who stayed, they got to hear me giving a speech and other people giving speeches about me. It was hilarious. I don't know whether they really do mean the stuff they said or they said those nice things because they were compelled to. However, I will take it all as compliments :) Thank you Elaine, Ching Wen, Karen, Leesha, Jia Yin, Peng, Esther and Fi for the speeches and kind encouragements. I was touched. I felt loved. Amor, ergo sum. I am loved, therefore I am.

The night ended with Grace saying the closing prayer. In her usual, bubbly manner, she asked everyone to hold hands and said a really funny and interesting prayer, asking God to be with me for the years to come. It was a good night.

I am still 19. I don't turn 20 until the 26th. The birthday dinner was held because I'm going back home straight after SLC, and some of my friends are going home soon. So I won't say much about the 19th year of my life. I will leave that right until I officially hit 2-0.

6th of November
10.30pm
Daniel Po's apartment
After Party

I spend a few minutes opening up the presents that I got. I got a pink handbag from Amanda and Jia Yin (pink. Haha!! You guys know me well.), a bible from Li Hui and CK (they're not christians, but I used to complain about how bulky my bible was. Li Hui remembered. *touched*), earrings from Shanny, a book from Hannah, a beautiful turtleneck sweater from Vivy (which I don't dare to try on because it looked small and I'm afraid I'll look fat in it), a BodyShop gift set and a handmade card from the Kia Maians and Pods from Peng (He said, "I picked up something along the way."). Lil Melvyn drew Kurosaki Ichigo from Bleach for me and wrote "To Francesca a.k.a. Franny". It was the most beautiful drawing I've had. It's the ONLY drawing that I have. =) I thought of Emma, who couldn't come to the dinner because she's back in Auckland. She gave me the book "The Time Traveller's Wife" by Audry Niffeneggar. I'm itching to read it.

We played RISK. Fiona kicked our asses. I wanna play it again. The game lasted for so long and it was full of broken alliances and crafty moves. Dan kept on blaming me for making him lose. Ah well.. midnight is not a good time to play hardcore strategy games. However, the boys seemed wide awake. I think that's because of years of training when playing DOTA. We went back at 3am. It was a long night.

7th of November
3.30am
In my room
Reflections

Thank you Lord for a great birthday dinner. I hope that You were glorified through my life. I know You were present. Thank you Lord for all of the people who have shown so much love and care to me. I am so grateful for the friendships that I have. I've been blessed. Thank you Lord that he came, and that I was able to look at him and talk to him as if nothing happened. As if I was never hurt. Thank you Lord that we're still friends. I guess things will never be the same anymore. But that's life. It's full of ambiguities. You are the meaning of my life dear Jesus. I know that no matter what happens, it's all for a greater calling, and I will go through whatever you want me to go through. I know I will be given enough grace and courage to face the plans you have destined for me.

7th - 8th of November
1.30pm on the 7th until 8.30pm on the 8th
Committee Retreat
Leesha's Humble And Yet Fancy Abode

Being on committee makes me think. It makes me think about everything. Vision, missions, intentions, purpose, evangelism, being missional and intentional etc. It blown me away. I never though that it'll be so hard. But God is an overflowing source of strength and wisdom. I have so much that I need to do, and I'm not sure how I'm suppose to go about doing it. But it's wonderful to know that God is guiding us, and He'll see us through. He always does.

The most beautiful thing that happened during retreat was when they gave me birthday presents. Birthday presents are always beautiful. The committee gave me a cute Roxy handbag and a card. I know all along that I have a wonderful roomate. But she almost made me cry when she gave me the new John Mayer album, entitled Continuum. I'm listening to it now. It's triggering lots of emotions. I really wanted the album but it was 30 dollars. Coming from a family who has no respect whatsoever for copyright laws, I wasn't willing to spend that much money on a CD. Knowing Fi, she won't spend money unless she has to. And I know buying the CD as a gift for me was a great dilemma for her. THANK YOU SO MUCH. xoxoxo. You're a God-given roomate!!

So Mang cooked us dinner for the two nights. This guy can really cook. Oo the sweet taste of chicken marinated in korean spices..oo pasta and fried chicken meat.. sigh retreats make people fat.

Other than thinking and eating, I spent most of my time on Leesha's guitar. Ah the love I have for music. I learnt how to play Hotel California sang by Eagles and Back to One by Brian McKnight.

The night ended with me typing up this ridiculously long post. I probably have lost your attention halfway through this post. Let's call it a night.

Labels: heart soul mind

D I V A at 3:24 PM
4 drop(s) of love

Sunday, November 05, 2006

can't live a day without you - rachel lampa

I can live life alone
Never fill the longings of my heart
The feel and warmth of someone's arms
And I can live without dreams
Never know the thrill of what could be
With every star so far and out of reach
I can live without many things
And I can carry on

Chorus
But I couldn't face my life tomorrow
Without you holding my heart I know
I can't live a day without you
Lord there's no night and there's no morning
Without your loving arms to hold me
You're the heartbeat of all I do
I can't live a day without you

Oh I can travel the world
See all the wonders beautiful anew
They only made me think of you
And I can have all life offers
Riches that were far beyond compare
To grab my every wish without a care
Oh I could do anything
But if you weren't in it all

Chorus

Oh Jesus, I live because you live
You're the air I breathe
Oh Jesus, what happiness you give
You're everything to me

Chorus

Labels: heart soul mind

D I V A at 2:38 PM
0 drop(s) of love

Thursday, November 02, 2006

finished 1st year of university

*Breathing a great sigh of RELIEF*

It's all done and over with. I've finished 1st year.

It seems like only yesterday when I'm in this country, absorbing everything that's new and unfamiliar to me. In many ways, I still feel like I'm new. There's so much to see, so much to look forward to, and so much more to experience. One year down. Three (hopefully) left to go. And who knows what kind of person I will be after all those years have come and go?

ECON 140 was ok, I think. I couldn't concentrate during ACCY 111. My brain was half-dead during QUAN 111 but I finished the paper before mid-point. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, it is still yet to be decided. MGMT 101. HAH! I didn't have enough time to do the last question properly. When I finished my last paper, I strolled back to Weir with Emma, ran up to my floor, pushed open my room door, danced into my room and said to Fi, "The clouds opened, and God said: IT IS GOOD!"

After lunch, Emma, Fi and I hit Westfield Queensgate. SHOPPING! Even though Fi was the shopping queen but Emz and I spent more money than her. It's been so long since I did proper shopping. I think I'm losing my stamina. Mid-Valley and 1U is at least 3 times the size of Westfield, and I never got tired. I actually got tired at tiny little Queensgate. I can't believe it. Fi asked, "Fran, are you sure you're a girl?" Sigh...

Reminiscence..

This exam period was the toughest yet, because I had to go through some other major problems at the same time as exams. When going through it all, I often wondered to the Lord, "WHY??" But I've learnt, seemingly the difficult way, that the love of God is beautiful and yet terrible - terrible because it will not leave anything unblemished or unworthy in the beloved. I know that I've grown stronger, more resilient, and wiser. And He will never be content until I've become what He thinks I ought to become.

I'm currently reading a book entitled 'Hinds' Feet to High Places' by Hannah Hurnard, and I would highly recommend the book to all my fellow romantics out there. In fact, I would recommend the book to anyone who yearns to know what true love is. Of course, the Word of God should be our first source of the meaning of love, but the book is written based on the Bible, written in fiction, and yet, with a great sense of reality. When studying management, I would often read the book during my 'taking-a-break' moments, and it is not a wonder that I would end up reading more pages in the book and less of my management notes. Ah, temptations.

When I read the book, it was as if the main character 'Much-Afraid' is a reflection of who I am deep inside: Crippled, disfigured, filled with the fear of everything unknown, afraid to lose control of my life, but yet yearning so much to be able to love and trust the Lord completely, and to follow Him to the High Places. What I've went through was not my first breakdown, and it will not be my last. I sense that many more dangers, trials, tribulations, emotional and psychological pains await me. The mere thought of what I have to go through in order for the Lord's purpose to be fulfilled strikes me with fear. Such is the love that God has for us, as He sees our full potential and will not let us rest until He sees our God-ordained destinies fulfilled. How many more times will my heart be broken? It is already badly scarred. When again will my spirit be weakened? However, in spite of it all, I know I will always manage to come out of it stronger than before, and closer to fulfilling God's kingdom purposes. This much I know is true: that I need to come to a point in life where I say to God, "having You, knowing You, experiencing Your love, is enough. You are enough for me." I have to make it right with Him first.

I feel like Much-Afraid when she's wandering with her travelling mates 'Sorrow' and 'Suffering' on that great, desolate Sea of Loneliness, often being attacked and ridiculed by her relatives Resentment, Bitterness and Self-Pity. The Shepard chose Sorrow and Suffering as her companions because Love and Pain go hand-in-hand. To love is to feel pain, coupled with great sorrow and suffering. When one is wandering along the Sea of Loneliness, one would often question the Lord what is the purpose of it all? Why deny the one desire that He hasn't fulfill? That's where resentment, bitterness and self-pity will make us vulnerable. I've read somewhere once that we have no power to change the circumstances that befall us, but our response to the circumstances can change us. (Or maybe I didn't read it. I think Mel may have been the one who told me that. Don't really remember.) We can blame God and be bitter, or we can look beyond the sorrow that clamps our hearts and believe that it is for a greater purpose, a higher calling. All sorrow that touches men will first go through the heart of God. I don't know how am I suppose to make it right with God first, but my deep down in my very core being I know that to live without Him is to cease to exist. I want to be able to love and trust Him completely. And this whole drama experience has taught me a little of that. I've also learnt and experienced for myself the wonderful phrases "He heals the broken-hearted, binding up their wounds"; "My thoughts are higher than your thoughts, and my ways are higher than your ways"; "God has ordained your steps, so why worry along the way?". The Scriptures are better appreciated when one can associate real-life experiences with it. Knowledge is but useless when one does not have wisdom, and experiences grant wisdom.

I'm on holiday now. I'm planning to pack my days to the max, and make sure that I always have something to do. Usually, my hols are even crazier than my uni days. I love it that way. So if anyone has any plans (except for doing crazy stunts like visiting strip bars), I'm IN!

My Beloved is the chiefest
Of ten thousand anywhere
He is altogether lovely
He is altogether fair
My Beloved is so gentle
And is strong beyond compare

Labels: comings and goings, heart soul mind, musings, wellington

D I V A at 4:21 AM
1 drop(s) of love

Saturday, October 28, 2006

sunshine after the rain

It seems so long ago when I first met my saviour
Hidden in my history, a long forgotten morn
Prologue of a mud, trodden road
Filled with roses that has sharp, jagged thorns
And yet the sorrow laden road was blinded from me
Flower-strewn paths were all I see
I took a step, He held my hand
We walked onto unknown wasted, barren land
Because I know

In every tomorrow, He will be there
Never forsaken, always forgiven
Guidance and strength every step of the way
Power to overcome weakness and lack of faith
Hope for every moment of pain
Comfort for every tear
Sunshine after the rain

Thinking back of years that came to pass
And of familiar faces, sights and smells
I was brought back to moments of happiness
and times of dark, gloomy days
I tried to remember times of innocence
of child-like faith and love
But realized that I've lost them
through the cold storms and the windy rain
And still I know

In every tomorrow, He will be there
Never forsaken, always forgiven
Guidance and strength every step of the way
Power to overcome weakness and lack of faith
Hope for every moment of pain
Comfort for every tear
Sunshine after the rain

It rained and it poured, the wind howled at my body
Shattered my heart and destroyed my sanity
I looked up to heaven with arms open wide
Tears flowing down my darkened eyes
Heartbroken with nothing inside
Fell on my knees and could do nothing but cry
Because I want to know

In every tomorrow, He will be there
Never forsaken, always forgiven
Guidance and strength every step of the way
Power to overcome weakness and lack of faith
Hope for every moment of pain
Comfort for every tear
Sunshine after the rain

I woke up one long forgotten morn
And saw the sun shining through the howling storm
The wind stop. The skies cleared.
The rain halt to a slight pitter patter.
I stood up and saw my saviour
And remembered the time I first fell in love
He held my hand, took my broken heart
and kissed my tears away
And I finally know

In every tomorrow, He will be there
Never forsaken, always forgiven
Guidance and strength every step of the way
Power to overcome weakness and lack of faith
Hope for every moment of pain
Comfort for every tear
Sunshine after the rain

Labels: heart soul mind

D I V A at 5:31 AM
1 drop(s) of love

Monday, October 23, 2006

mama, elaine, fiona, emma, leesha, karen and you know who you are...

Terima kasih untuk segala-galanya. Terima kasih kerana tidak membiarkan ku bersendirian dengan kesedihan dan air mataku. Terima kasih atas doa yang disampaikan kepada Tuhan Maha Besar atas pihak ku. Terima kasih atas nasihat dan galakan yang dibagi. Terima kasih kerana berada di sisi ku sepanjang masa ini. Terima kasih atas makanan yang dibeli, jagaan yang dibagi, dan kasih sayang yang dicurahkan, tanpa meminta balik apa-apa pun daripada ku. Akan ku kuatkan semangat menghadapi cabaran. Akan ku sekali lagi berdiri atas kaki ku sendiri. Akan ku selalu mengingati kasih sayang dan rahmat Tuhan yang melimpah selama-lamanya.

Labels: heart soul mind

D I V A at 5:02 PM
2 drop(s) of love