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DELICIOUS AMBIGUITY ♥
Thursday, August 30, 2007
something provoking

Currently reading: Philip Yancey - Where is God when it hurts?

In a foreword to the book Night, former Nobel laureate Francois Mauriac describes the meeting with Wiesel (author of Night) when he first heard his story:

"It was then that I understood what had first drawn me to the young Israeli: that look, as of a Lazarus risen from the dead, yet still a prisoner within the grim confines where he had strayed, stumbling, among the shameful corpses. For him, Nietzche's cry expressed an almost physical reality: God is dead, the God of love, of gentleness, of comfort, the God of Abraham, of Isaac, of Jacob, has vanished forevermore, beneath the gaze of this child, in the smoke of a human holocaust exacted by Race, the most voracious of all idols. And how many pious Jews have experienced this death!.... Have we ever thought about the consequences of a horror that, though less apparent, less striking than the other outrages, is yet the worst of all to those of us who have faith: the death of God in the soul of a child who suddenly discovers absolute evil?"

On another page...

Dr. Victor Frankl:

"The experiences of camp life show that man does have a choice of action. There were enough examples, often a heroic nature, which proved that apathy could be overcome, irritability suppressed. Man can preserve a vestige of spiritual freedom, of independence of mind, even in such terrible conditions of psychic and physical stress... everything can be taken away from man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way... In the final analysis it becomes clear that the sort of person the prisoner became was the result of an inner decision, and not the result of camp influences alone. Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under such circumstances, decide what shall become of him - mentally and spiritually"

George Mangakis:

"I have experienced the fate of a victim. I have seen the torturer's face at close quarters. It was in a worse condition than my own bleeding, livid face. The torturer's face was distorted by a kind of twitching that had nothing human about it... In this situation, I turned out to be the lucky one. I was humiliated. I did not humiliate others. I was simply bearing a profoundly unhappy humanity in my aching entrails. Whereas the men who humiliate you must first humiliate the notion of humanity within themselves. Never mind if they strut around in their uniforms, swollen with the knowledge that they can control the suffering. sleeplessness, hunger and despair of their fellow human beings, intoxicated with the power in their hands. Their intoxication is nothing other than degradation of humanity. The ultimate degradation. They have had to pay very dearly for my torments. I wasn't the one in the worst position. I was simply a man who moaned because he was in great pain. I prefer that. At this moment I am deprived of the joy of seeing children going to school or playing in the parks. Whereas they have to look their own children in the face...."

Yancey:

"God did not exempt even Himself from human suffering. He too hung on the gallows, at Calvary, and that alone is what keeps me believing in a God of love. God does not, in the comfortable surroundings of heaven, turn a deaf ear to the sounds of suffering on this groaning planet. He joined us, choosing to live among an oppressed people - Wiesel's own race - in circumstances of poverty and great affliction. He too was an innocent victim of cruel, senseless torture. At that moment of black despair, the Son of God cried out, much like the believers in the camps, "God, why have you forsaken me?"... Human suffering remains meaningless and barren unless we have some assurance that God is sympathetic to our pain, and can somehow heal that pain. In Jesus, we have that assurance. Thus the Christian message encompasses the full range of anger and despair and darkness expressed so eloquently in a book like Night. It offers a complete identification with the suffering world. But Christianity takes a further step as well. It is called the Resurrection, the moment of victory when the last enemy, death itself, is defeated. A seeming tragedy, Jesus' crucifixion, made possible the ultimate healing of the world...."
D I V A at 7:47 AM
1 drop(s) of love

Monday, August 27, 2007
cafe night

THANK GOD ITS OVER.

However, I have to say, planning it was an awesome experience. I cannot ask for a better team! Somang and Jasmine worked so hard to make this work, and PK got all the fliers and tickets ready even though she couldn't be there that night. The deco was awesome, the food was great, and we even had coffee beans for free! The performances: one word - AWESOME! The music for the night was great as well. Everybody helped, even those who are not there that night.

Now for pictures. Who has pictures..
D I V A at 3:40 PM
0 drop(s) of love

Saturday, August 18, 2007
joy

It is not a feeling.

It is a state of mind.

It stays constant through changing circumstances.

It starts in your head.

So that your heart can follow.

I died in 232.

Impending doom.

I've never experienced failure in my academic life.

This might just be a first.

It wasn't because I didn't study.

I really tried.

Time. It was a race against time.

I lost.

God. Please.

I just want to survive uni
D I V A at 6:14 AM
1 drop(s) of love

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Jim Morrison

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reliaty. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

Robbie Seay Band


First of all, thanks for listening to our song,
We hope this finds you driving in your car,
Or where ever you are,
Breathe out and breath again,
Know that life is hard,
But it's worth breathing.
Listen to me now,
For love, oh love,
It's waiting for you just to say:

Here come better days,
And here come better days,
Better days, and a better place I know.

Secondly, I'm all messed up so royally,
And I stumbled my way here,
But wait, oh wait,
Grace has found me,
Shaken up my soul,
Grace will follow,
Where ever you will go,
Listen to me now for grace, oh grace,
Is calling for you just to say:

Here come better days
And here come better days,
Better days, and a better place I know.

Green grass, and I'm laying in the sunlight of you,
And the wind is moving through the trees ushering you,
And the better days you bring, the better places found,
Feasting at your table I am overwhelmed,
I lift my glass drink to love and never gave up,
Clouds pass fading into memories gone,
And all I'll show life is life, and love is.
What else could there be?

Here come better days,
And here come better days,
Better days, and a better place i know...
D I V A at 4:53 PM
0 drop(s) of love

Monday, August 13, 2007
rain

It's all just a play, a movie, and we are all characters playing a part. Everyone is intertwined in one way or another. Everyone puts on a mask.

And so she walks down the street, and to everyone else she's just another person who is alive, surviving. No one stopped to think that she has a past, a present, and hope for a future that she cannot yet see. She has family, friends, and experiences that are all too real. And its the same for herself. She sees all these other people, and once in a while she wonders how their lives are like.

You see she understands perfectly well the art of putting on a mask. She knows that no matter what happens life still goes on and time does not stop, although for countless times, she wished that it would, just so that she can scream and cry all she wants and no one will know, so that she can continue living only when she's ready. God knows when that will be. But this is how life is. It continues on and on. And with or without her existence nothing much will change in the big picture of things. She is just one more person, surviving, living in a cold, bitter world plagued with sin, sadness, suffering and tears; trying to find a bit of happiness in a world that is fallen.

She knows perfectly the bitterness that comes with being broken: broken past, broken relationships; broken families. And perhaps her struggles are not as immense as others, but she is sometimes fed up of comparing herself to others. Yes she is but dust, but the problems are real. The pain is real. Its a gut-ripping, soul-destroying pain.

The bitterness that comes with feelings of guilt.

She is confused. Were her reasons right? And even if they're weren't what else can she do? She made a choice and to stick by that choice is the right thing to do. Different people carry different burdens, and slapped on her wrists are chains that are different from anybody elses. No one wears her chains. They have their own.

The bitterness of compensation love.

Her mind knows the source of what she seeks, and yet she has tried to find it everywhere else but the source. Her greatest weakness is being too stupid to understand that loving people don't make them love you back; that this world has been broken since the fall, and relationships between people are broken; that it is too dangerous to put her heart out there and let it scar. What she seeks for is not in the arms of a man, or a friend, or a blood relation. Its in the God who created her, who sustained her, and who has blessed her but she, like Israel of old, is ungrateful.

She is the biggest fool I know.

They say she's strong.

Then why does she feel so weak and helpless against the tides?

So what else is there to do but to again disappear into the darkness of night, and let sorrow engulf her again until she heals?

If only He would come. Then she can be what she was meant to be: good. No more tears. No more pain. No more running away.

That's all she wants. To stop running. Stop fighting. Stop struggling

Oct 2006.
"Look Fran, it's raining. God is crying for you."
"Yeah, I'm crying for me too."

D I V A at 7:49 AM
4 drop(s) of love

Friday, August 10, 2007
last words

Contribution: “My faith demands that I do whatever I can, wherever I am, whenever I can, for as long as I can with whatever I have to try to make a difference.”

ICF has given me the chance to contribute to other people, and to make a difference in their lives. When I became Treasurer, my reason for doing so was simple: I wanted to make a positive difference to those around me, and perhaps by doing so, they can see a little bit of God in me, and will one day yearn to know who He is. And this resonated with what ICF is all about – students reaching students for Christ. I have been given many opportunities to make a difference, and such chances came my way because of the role I played in the committee. There are a few fundamental things that the Treasurer is expected to do: keeping the accounts, manage the financial side of ICF (ie. fund raising and such) and to help out with the admin work. But the role came with many other things that have enriched my time on committee. I am involved in the missional side of ICF, and thus I get to co-lead a Discovering Jesus Group with Esther (and I am extremely proud of my group!), to work alongside Christian Union in Jesus Awareness “stuff”, to meet new people during Orientation etc, just to name a few. I hope what little I have done have contributed towards the vision of ICF, but as always, there is more to be done, even after my time on committee is over.


Lessons: “The greatest love that anyone could ever know; that overcame the cross and grave to find my soul…”


I have learnt and experience much during my time in committee, and space constraint does not allow me to list them all down, but there are some major lessons that I have learnt. I have learnt that to follow God is a conscious choice, and it comes from knowing and acknowledging who God is, and the eternal, “agape” (divine) love that He has for us. This is the greatest love that I have known, and my experiences plus the things that I have learnt affirmed me again and again that this is true. And because of this love, I try my best to share this love with others, in words and in deed, although I myself am a sinful person. The best thing is I have received love from others because they are trying to do the same thing. I have learnt the importance of knowing God through the Bible, and to always read it in context and with a studious mind. I have also learnt the importance of community - we are accountable not only to God, but also to those who have authority, and also to those who work together with us. We are family.


A highlight: “One superlative song that out-carols the lark and the nightingale…”


There is one highlight during my time in committee: talking to complete strangers during Orientation. And this was by far the hardest thing that I have done, and I consider this accomplishment far more significant than the rest. It is my personality to be terrified of strangers, but being in committee sure took care of that. I was going around campus with ICF brochures in my hand and introducing ICF to complete strangers. The responses that I got were varied and interesting. I had to do that all over again during the second semester. I am still terrified of strangers, just that I can hide it much better now, and all thanks goes to ICF.


So its finally done. The new committee has been elected, and my time is done. I feel relieved. Yet, I have this nagging feeling that one day I will look back and regret this day. But that is the chance that I have to take. I need to choose a path, and all paths have costs.

It's done, but its not really over yet.

D I V A at 8:07 PM
1 drop(s) of love

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

The inner deep of my heart
I must choose to ignore
Because now is neither perfect time,
or place, all circumstances flawed.
I know it best, meddle not with Cupid's bow
So until seasons change, please let me my secret keep
And perhaps one day I will let you know,
that your love is everything I want and wish to seek,
That is my heart's true inner deep

302 done.

232. 303.

Oh blissful rest. Where art thou?
D I V A at 6:22 AM
0 drop(s) of love

Thursday, August 02, 2007
everyday life

The comings and goings of everyday life.

Vivy once told me that she likes to read blogs that is filled with details concerning the comings and goings of life. "I ate a sandwich today, and then I went to class"; "I went shopping today and I bought a nice top for 10 bucks!"

Well, my finger is finally healing, although there's gonna be a messy scar. Apparently that's cool.

Life has been pretty busy lately, with study, work and ICF stuff going on in between. I could use a gasp of air. My boss is leaving the office for a month tomorrow, and I have heaps to do. He even made up a to-do list for me. Sigh. The list is getting pretty massive. And the fact that I work outside office hours doesn't really help. So I need to try and do as much as I can on Mondays, when I work office hours.

I wish I have more time to spend with people; to be more involved in their lives.

Time.

What a fatal boundary.

People around me don't have much time too.

So now AJ is with YK. Poor guy didn't touch a guitar for 3 months. AJ would be good in keeping him company. Its funny. People can be in love with so many things other than people. Like guitars.

So these fingers of mine will probably need to get acquainted with the piano again if I want to make some music.

Just typing whatever that comes into mind.

Test next week.

Sigh
D I V A at 4:23 PM
3 drop(s) of love