crossroads
It has been on my mind. The time is coming soon, where I need to decide which road I should take.
Should I take the one which I always thought I will take, and forsake the one which I always thought I'll never have the chance to tread?
Or am I forsaking that road because I'm afraid to step out of what is familiar? Because I have been using the other road to justify forsaking that road?
Why am I on this current road? Are my reasons right? Have my reasons changed? Am I doing it because I want to, or because I feel obliged to? Will other people come and continue my journey and tell me what happens next, if I should leave? Will I still be part of this journey in memory and in spirit?
What will happen if I had walked the other road that I have chosen to forsake? Things would have been really different. I would not have been the person I am now. I have learned to be more critical, to value the word of God more, and have been challenged to grow closer to God, day by day. I have learned the value of building relationships with people, to know how to admit when I'm wrong, to rise up when the skies are gray, and I've plodded through muddy waters. I will not exchanged what I've got for anything else in this world.
So what about the other road? Can I still choose, at the crossroad, to take up the other path? Will I forsake some great, big plan by going the other way?
So I looked beyond the crossroad.
What do I want to do? What am I passionate about? Where do I want to be in a few years time? While journeying this current road, I grew passionate about lots of things. Can I still be passionate about them when I'm on the other road? Can I still do those things that I want to do?
Of course I can.
Why do I want to take up the other road? Is it because, at the other road, lies all that I have wanted to do, but knew that at that moment, I'm not yet prepared? Is it because this is what He wants me to do? I get the feeling that He's trying to tell me so through the people around me. On the other hand, I can be pretty deaf at times, and hear the wrong things.
Things will be different no matter which road I choose to take, and at the end of the day, it is my choice to make.
I'm still His child. He is still my Father. The world continues on. It does not hinge on my decision. Neither does He.
He wants all of me. Isn't that the main purpose of these roads anyway, to follow Him till the ends of the earth? So does it matter, at the end of the day, which road I take, so long as I serve Him, and Him alone, the best that I can?
I'm not very coherent now. But there's still time to think things through
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood... and the other road that I have left for some other day, now yearns to be tread
of ball dresses, bow ties, sauvignon blanc and dancing
Everton and Uni Hall Ball.
It was 6pm and people in my flat were starting to get ready. I just came back from town with some cash, as it was a cash bar. No EFTPOS at all. It wasn't too hard, trying to get ready. Make up, fitting into the ball dress, getting accessories ready. I basically wore the same thing I wore to Weir House Ball last year. I didn't have time (or the resources) to get another ball dress. And I'm wearing the same thing again next week for the CU & ICF Ball (2 balls, one week apart. Sigh..)
My flatmate was my date for the night. And he looked awesome. So did everyone in fact! Emma came by later with Andy, and we took some photos. After having a glass of wine, everyone was ready to go. So we left. My dear date-for-the-night was lovely: holding my arm while walking towards the shuttle, like a real gentleman, and paid nice compliments. "You look wonderful tonight, Fran." Like I said, everyone looked lovely.
The ball was at the Boatshed at Taranaki Wharf. Beautiful night. It wasn't too cold or windy, and that's rare in Wellington. While walking towards the venue my other dear flatmate held my other arm, and we walked into one of the most enjoyable nights yet. Date-for-the-night bought me Sauvignon Blanc, which is probably the only wine that I like to drink. Wines were 3 dollars, and beers were even cheaper I think. Two glasses was just right. Spend the first few minutes making small talk with people and catching up with friends that I haven't seen in ages. They served finger food, and there was a live band
Theme was Casino Royale. I should have brought a gun! (a fake one of course). So the boys were looking very James-Bond-ish, with bow ties and tuxedos. (Bow ties are NOT overrated. THEY'RE HOT! =D) And the girls were very elegant. Nice, beautiful dresses, and very sexy at the same time. Spend quite a while dancing, with date-for-the-night leading the way, falling back in his arms and him spinning me around. After that everyone just starting dancing with everyone else.
Left early because I was tired, and there's church in the morning. Received quite a few stares that says "What the hell?" But all in all, it was a really good night. One of the better balls I reckon. I said that to Pek Yi, and she went "AHEM!" Yeah I know. CU & ICF Ball would probably be better =)
Ku selalu hairan akan kreativiti Tuhan, yang mampu mencipta manusia yang boleh membawa dalam hati mereka pelbagai emosi yang bercanggah, padahal semua emosi yang bergolak ini bekerjasama dalam harmoni, sebagai alat yang digunakan untuk menimbulkan keinsafan. Ku rasa seperti tersepit di tengah mindaku yang memahami apa yang ku perlu buat, dan hatiku yang masih tidak boleh menerima kebenaran hidup ini: Tuhan yang berkuasa, Allah Bapa yang berperintah. Walaupun manusia boleh cuba membuat rencana hidupnya, Allah yang menentukan jalan, dan membuat keputusan terakhir. Ku rasa inilah perintah yang paling susah diikuti oleh penganut Kristian: melepaskan imipian sendiri dan segala yang dikasihi, untuk mengikuti Putra Yesus Kristus. Inilah erti menjadi pengikut Yesus. Bukan sahaja membaca Alkitab, berdoa atau pergi gereja, tetapi sanggup menerima segala cabaran hidup demi membanggakanNya, agar cahaya dan kasih sayang Tuhan yang melimpah boleh disebarkan ke seluruh dunia.
Sanggup ku berhenti mempunyai impian sendiri, dan menerima perintah dan kehendakNya, walaupun hati rasa berat dalam usaha untuk mentaatiNya? Adakah ku memahami kebesaran dan kekuatan cintaNya? Bolehkah ku melepaskan keinginanku untuk disayangi oleh orang lain, dan mencurahkan cinta dan kasih sayang terhadap orang lain, tanpa meminta apa-apa, seperti yang diperintah? Bolehkah ku, manusia yang penuh dengan dosa, tahu menyayangi Tuhan dengan segala hati, fikiran dan jiwaku?
Apa yang tidak mungkin atas usaha manusia sendiri, mungkin dengan Allah. Semua boleh dilakukan dengan Allah.
P.S. Bahasa Malaysia ku menjadi makin teruk. Aduhai.. inilah yang terjadi apabila sudah lama di negara orang mat salleh
JAW & Guitar
ICF & CU's Jesus Awareness Week: It is the beginning of many things.
We wanted to change the name, but couldn't decide on one. And I am not too entirely sure about changing tradition. JAW has always been tradition. But this year's JAW has brought about new beginnings. And I'm happy to be part of this change. It has been lots of hard work and lack of sleep. The prayer meetings in the mornings were really good, and so was the responses that we got. We put a cross in the quad, with a big, triangle green box that says "ASK GOD HERE." We put up posters all around campus that says "What do you want to ask God?"
People have lots of questions for Him.
Not that we presume to be God, or know how He would answer the queries, but its amazing to see how much people actually think about this issue. And how ignorant we all can be at times.
We are also going to screen the movie "Saved" next Wednesday. Its going to be used as a platform to engage people in conversations and discussions. It is a very interesting, and perhaps controversial movie in Christian circles. Nevertheless, it made me wonder what Jesus is really about. He's not about being perfect, but about showing love and compassion. Sometimes Christians don't portray Christ as He really is. We're only human. Not that "being human" can be used as an excuse to justify the things that we do, because at the end of the day we are still responsible for our actions. However, Jesus never intended for humans to be this perfect "thing" who is always good and lovely and smiling and worshiping all the time. If we can do that, He didn't need to come.
I don't know about other people...
... but I know I can't be all that even though I want to be.
But I try the best that I can, with all my failings and sin. And to do so with His help.
And I hope that this will be the beginning of many more exciting missional efforts.
On another note, exams are coming up. ARGH! 3 papers, all in less than a week. The stress vibe is spreading all around campus. Libraries are probably getting packed now, and lecturers have been getting emails about exam questions. And I have an obsession for my brand new guitar, which gives me opportunities to procrastinate in the midst of stress. And my guitar has a name. He was baptized Lord Marmaduke Alfonsis Danvers-Hamilton III of Tweedle-upon-Craigweed. Phew.. and this name was given to my guitar by my flatmates, who made the guitar an Earl from the UK. The ceremony was performed by my flatmate, who is from a Catholic background. He pretended to be a priest. Apparently the name that Marmaduke has is one of noble descent, and he is gentry. The same flatmate also performed the wedding ceremony, marrying me and my guitar. My other flatmate had an objection to the wedding because I'm not royal and I will pollute the bloodline. But we got married anyway because I insisted. And that same flatmate after posing his objection, insisted on an Anglican marriage because the royal family belongs to the Church of England.
I live in a crazy house. But it is so much fun!
So Marmaduke is always here whenever I need to procrastinate, not that I can afford to do that anymore.
So here's to times of being locked up during bright, sunny days.
mama
It's Mother's Day on Sunday. Come to think of it there seems to be a day for almost every occasion now. There's No Diet Day, Children's Day, Gay Rights Day, Peace Day, International Day Against Homophobia, Day for Biological Diversity, and who knows what else. The e-greeting card business is a booming one, with people generating these sort of "days" to commemorate all sort of causes.
So this coming Sunday is Mother's Day. And in an ideal world, everyday is Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, Father's Day, Peace Day, Children's Day, Love God Day, Christmas, Good Friday, Easter, Friendship Day etc. But this world is not ideal. It never was after the Fall.
So we fallible human beings chose one day in our calendar to remember the one special person whom God used to give us life. Life, not just in the context of birth, as some people don't know, and perhaps never will know who birthed them into the world. But life, where we were given love, nurture, care, discipline and education, in the best way she knows how, being a fallible human herself. No one gave her a parenting course, and I'm sure she doesn't know what she's doing half of the time she's parenting, which is a "24-hours, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, right till she leaves this earth" job. But yet, she tries, again and again, as if a huge driving force is encouraging her to never give up. Her passion comes from a heart that instinctively and consciously love the ones that she is raising, and for some reason that passion rarely, if ever, runs dry. Her prayers to God are centered around her babes, hoping that God Almighty will lead them in His way, and will cause them to fall in love with Him, again and again, perhaps hoping that they will love God more than herself, as she understands that the love of God is more supreme than that of fallible human beings, having walked that journey herself. Her heart desires to see them grow, to achieve all that God has intended for them, and to leave this earth knowing that she has accomplished a job well done, and when the Lord calls her home, she can finally rest in surreal peace. She herself draws strength from the one who blessed her with these babes, and rely upon His heavenly wisdom to raise warriors for Christ. Here is a woman who even though suffered sorrow and pain, relied on the everlasting love of God and declared herself a child of the light, saved from sin and darkness. Here is a woman who told me that the love of God is enough, in the hopes that one day I will be able to arrive at that same point. Here is a woman who has shown me the fullest extent of the love of fallible human beings, causing me to wonder every single day the might of God's love, which is so much greater than the love of fallible human beings. Here is my mother, whom I rely upon, and who is teaching me everyday to rely on God.
Happy Mother's Day.
things to do
I have lots of things I still need to.
I have e-mails, packages and letters to send. I've promised to send them, but I still haven't.
Readings are piling. Tests and exams are around the corner. Assignments are due. I'm trying my best to be on top of it, but its beginning to bug me.
I have things to plan. Jesus Week and Movie Night. Hmm..
And there are clashes. Jesus Week clashes with one of my test. Hmm..
On top of all that are the normal day to day things that I need to do.
ARGH!
Find rest my soul, in Christ Alone.
I will be still, and know you are God.
Ah but life is still rocking on! Mainly because God does give rest and heavenly peace amidst the busyness of life.
