I got my confirmation of studies today. Lectures everyday. Three papers (well, four actually, but ACCY 001 is only for 6 weeks, or 2 weeks, if I pass the 1st exam). All of the lectures will be held in the same lecture theatre. -_-.
I finished updating the things that ICF will be using for Orientation 2007, which are the information brochures and fliers. My mind is buzzing with serious things that are heading my way. Things like, "When should sausage sizzles be organised? We didn't get to do any during summer because it's all booked."; "Orientation"; "Easter Camp"; "Cafe Night"; "Movie Night"; "How do I do all those stuff that I need to do?"; "DJG, and how do I relate it to music?"; "I need a job. HELP!"; "Studies - am I going to like it? Not that it really matters"; "How's flatting gonna be like? Will it be a safe haven or will it be like the family from hell?"; "Church. Will I have the time to help out more?"; "Are there people that I still need to contact?"; "How's 2007 gonna be like?"; "Will I know an opportunity when I see one, or will I let my fears consume me, and see it slipping away?"; "I never got to buy that nice coat from Naf Naf, freaking expensive"; "How exactly do I confront my own self, so that I can step out of my comfort zone?"; "I still haven't heard that song, and I long to hear for a long, long time. Too bad, all I can remember is the chorus"; .... All of them. And many more. In my head. All at the same time. It's like a million bees buzzing inside a small enclosed area, and each of the bees are emitting its own sound, and its getting so noisy to the point that the noise becomes like "white noise", where everything I hear inside my head becomes like a high-pitched crazy hum, visualising itself as a white light, dazzling me, making me sick. That's when I know it's slipping away. The holidays. It's almost gone.
I've started packing things in boxes.
Ain't long now
Labels: comings and goings
I will be going back to Sabah tomorrow. Under normal circumstances, I'll be there for at least 2 weeks. However, I will be in Sabah for only 3 days this time, and will probably be in Kota Kinabalu. Most likely, I won't be going to the countryside. My mother, brother and sister are already there, and I'll be coming back home with them.
When people ask me where is my home, I often don't know what to say. If the person is not a Malaysian, the answer would be easy. I would say,"I'm from Malaysia." But if the person is Malaysian, a small part of me would be torn. Where is home? Seremban or Sabah? Most of the time, my answer would be Seremban, because that is where I grew up. But I was born in Sabah, thus I'm technically Sabahan. I have a large family there, and I'm half native. In Sabah, I won't be called a Chinese, even though I bear a Chinese name, and all official documents will classify me as one of Chinese heritage. They would call me "Sino-Kadazan", which means "Chinese-Kadazan", as if the Sinos are all another race by themselves. This reminds me of the Nyonya-Baba race. Maybe "Sino-Kadazans" would one day evolve to be another race on its own as well. Maybe. Maybe not.There are circumstances where acquaintances asked me what I know about Sabah, and I would often tell them the story of Mount Kinabalu. It's one of my favourite myths...
Legend says that at the mountains, there is a precious pearl, and it is beautiful beyond measure. The pearl is known worldwide and many long to claim it as their own. However, the pearl is guarded by a ferocious dragon, and many have been killed trying to retrieve the pearl.
There was once a Chinese prince who came to the lands of Borneo on a small ship, also known as "tongkang". He heard about the pearl, and like many others before him, wants to claim it. Ah, but this prince is far more valiant and brave than any of the rest. To the amazement of many, he successfully killed the dragon and claimed the pearl for himself. Perhaps he was enchanted by the beauty of Borneo and its culture. Perhaps he was a wandering man, one who was always looking for an adventure. I don't know. But after the completion of his mission, he did not return to his native land China. Instead, he stayed in Borneo, and he fell in love with a Kadazan woman. The Kadazan people are the natives of the upper part of Borneo. He stayed there and the Chinese prince married her.
However it is sad to note that the ending of this myth is but a sad, mournful one. Due to homesickness, the prince left his beloved wife. The poets say that love is all you need, but for this Chinese man, his heart loved his land more than his woman. Why he did not take his wife to be with him, no one knows. It's probably because of the vast differences in culture. Maybe they fell in love in the wrong century under the wrong circumstances. No one knows. But he left her, all by herself, carrying his child. After he left, his wife grieved for him every single waking moment of her life. She would often climbed the mountains so that she can view the sea, hoping that she can see her love's "tongkang", coming back into her loving embrace, even when her pregnancy was advanced. One day, she climbed the mountains, but she never came back. Due to extreme sadness, she died at the top of the mountains, and turned into stone. She waited, but he did not come.
When you view the summit of Mount Kinabalu, you will see that it is the shape of a pregnant women lying down. "Kina" means "Chinese". "Balu" means widow. And hence, the mountain was called "Kinabalu", meaning "Chinese Widow."
That is what you will read in tour guides and the Internet when you wonder about the origin of the name "Kinabalu". However, only the natives will tell you an addition to this tale that is far more chilling. Sir Hugh Low was the first man who conquered the mountain. However, there were many people who have died trying to reach the summit. It is normal during those times. Many a man have died in the name of adventure. However, rumours say that most of the people who died trying to climb the summit..were Chinese. Of course, the chances of survival when climbing Mount Kinabalu these days is almost 100%. Many Chinese people have conquered the summit successfully. But who knows about those days before Sir Hugh Low, when climbing this summit was a challenge to all? This is not to scare my fellow Chinese kinsmen, but this is merely what I have heard from my Kadazan family.
Returning to the Land below the Wind...
Labels: comings and goings
Which probably explains why its 5.50am Malaysian time and I'm wide awake. It should be about 10am in New Zealand now.It's great being back home.I am yet to explore the changes in this small town of Seremban. However I'm not expecting anything significant. This town feels dead sometimes. It's like a picture. It doesn't change. But it's home. And there is no place like home.I miss heaps of Malaysian food when I was in NZ. Now that I'm back here, I don't know where to start. I finally had "lau shu fen" last night. Bliss.. Still many more food to taste (lau shu fen: directly translated it means "mice powder". It's actually a type of chinese noodles. The noodles look a little like rat tails. I'm guessing that's where it got it's name.)My dad's first reaction in the airport when he saw me after 10 months was: "WAH.. so many pimples.." When I reached home, my mom commented on my face AND on my weight. ARGH! There was a time when there was no blemish AT ALL on my face. The last time I had that face was when I was 17. Even SPM didn't damage my face. And then I went to college. That's when it all started. University made it even worse. And NZ makes people fat. So when I came back home, I was pimply and fat. ARGH! However, it seems that's what always happen, and everyone assured me that I'll lose all the weight when I'm in Malaysia. As for my face, I'm finally undergoing treatment.It's kinda funny how my parents got to meet the doctor that's treating my face. I think the story started when my brother got a cut on his finger and the blood flow wouldn't stop. So my parents took him to the nearest doctor, which is the doctor that I'm currently seeing. Later on, my mother had lumps on her throat, and she consulted this doctor as well. The medication that she prescribed helped my mom alot. She told my mom to go back and see her if the lumps didn't not fully subside, and there's no more medication left. Yesterday, my mom took the last of her medication, but she said that the lumps have not fully subside. So she decided to see the doctor, and my dad suggested that she took me along to ask about my skin.When we reached the clinic, the doctor treated my mom first, which took only 5 minutes. She then turned to me and say, "And your pimples! Aiyoo..". Apparently the main causes of my acne was high levels of stress, hormones and my scalp. So she gave me a facial wash for acne prone skin, some kind of shampoo for my hair (the shampoo is poisonous and it's pink. Yeah. Pink.), and 15% Alpha Hydroxide gel to prep my face for a 35% chemical peel on Friday. I'm guessing this is to get rid of the scars. Then we'll see how things go. This means that I'm not going to meet anyone other than family for a while.God gave me a new heart. Let's pray that this treatment works so that I can have a new face. And after that maybe a new hairstyle. Haha..Labels: comings and goings, home
I'll be leaving for Student Leadership Conference soon. I'm not sure what to expect when I'm there. I guess its better not to expect anything and let God blow my mind away. I'm all packed. Well, sort of.I'll be heading off to university soon to hand in application for grant, and do some other banking stuff for ICF. Dan asked me yesterday, "How many hours does being on committee take in a week?" And I answered, "It demands your whole life. You can no longer compartmentalise your life anymore. That's how Christian life should be anyway. Integrated. Every single part of your life should reflect Christ."Here I am, plucking Leesha's beautiful guitar, and trying to do so as softly as possible. The Queen herself banned me from playing the guitar after 9pm. I'm not so sure about the morning hours though. I've been hanging on to this instrument for so many hours for the past few days. =)I'm now waiting for my roomate (well, soon to be ex-roomate) who is probably in the shower. We're suppose to hand in the grant together. Around this time last year I was praying so damn hard for a good roomate. There is something comforting in the thought of coming back home after a long day and seeing a familiar and friendly face. Emphasis on "friendly". Fi has been an awesome roomate and lots of good times in Weir were with her. God answers prayers.And now, back to the guitar.Labels: comings and goings, wellington
*Breathing a great sigh of RELIEF*It's all done and over with. I've finished 1st year.It seems like only yesterday when I'm in this country, absorbing everything that's new and unfamiliar to me. In many ways, I still feel like I'm new. There's so much to see, so much to look forward to, and so much more to experience. One year down. Three (hopefully) left to go. And who knows what kind of person I will be after all those years have come and go?ECON 140 was ok, I think. I couldn't concentrate during ACCY 111. My brain was half-dead during QUAN 111 but I finished the paper before mid-point. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, it is still yet to be decided. MGMT 101. HAH! I didn't have enough time to do the last question properly. When I finished my last paper, I strolled back to Weir with Emma, ran up to my floor, pushed open my room door, danced into my room and said to Fi, "The clouds opened, and God said: IT IS GOOD!"After lunch, Emma, Fi and I hit Westfield Queensgate. SHOPPING! Even though Fi was the shopping queen but Emz and I spent more money than her. It's been so long since I did proper shopping. I think I'm losing my stamina. Mid-Valley and 1U is at least 3 times the size of Westfield, and I never got tired. I actually got tired at tiny little Queensgate. I can't believe it. Fi asked, "Fran, are you sure you're a girl?" Sigh...Reminiscence..This exam period was the toughest yet, because I had to go through some other major problems at the same time as exams. When going through it all, I often wondered to the Lord, "WHY??" But I've learnt, seemingly the difficult way, that the love of God is beautiful and yet terrible - terrible because it will not leave anything unblemished or unworthy in the beloved. I know that I've grown stronger, more resilient, and wiser. And He will never be content until I've become what He thinks I ought to become.I'm currently reading a book entitled 'Hinds' Feet to High Places' by Hannah Hurnard, and I would highly recommend the book to all my fellow romantics out there. In fact, I would recommend the book to anyone who yearns to know what true love is. Of course, the Word of God should be our first source of the meaning of love, but the book is written based on the Bible, written in fiction, and yet, with a great sense of reality. When studying management, I would often read the book during my 'taking-a-break' moments, and it is not a wonder that I would end up reading more pages in the book and less of my management notes. Ah, temptations. When I read the book, it was as if the main character 'Much-Afraid' is a reflection of who I am deep inside: Crippled, disfigured, filled with the fear of everything unknown, afraid to lose control of my life, but yet yearning so much to be able to love and trust the Lord completely, and to follow Him to the High Places. What I've went through was not my first breakdown, and it will not be my last. I sense that many more dangers, trials, tribulations, emotional and psychological pains await me. The mere thought of what I have to go through in order for the Lord's purpose to be fulfilled strikes me with fear. Such is the love that God has for us, as He sees our full potential and will not let us rest until He sees our God-ordained destinies fulfilled. How many more times will my heart be broken? It is already badly scarred. When again will my spirit be weakened? However, in spite of it all, I know I will always manage to come out of it stronger than before, and closer to fulfilling God's kingdom purposes. This much I know is true: that I need to come to a point in life where I say to God, "having You, knowing You, experiencing Your love, is enough. You are enough for me." I have to make it right with Him first. I feel like Much-Afraid when she's wandering with her travelling mates 'Sorrow' and 'Suffering' on that great, desolate Sea of Loneliness, often being attacked and ridiculed by her relatives Resentment, Bitterness and Self-Pity. The Shepard chose Sorrow and Suffering as her companions because Love and Pain go hand-in-hand. To love is to feel pain, coupled with great sorrow and suffering. When one is wandering along the Sea of Loneliness, one would often question the Lord what is the purpose of it all? Why deny the one desire that He hasn't fulfill? That's where resentment, bitterness and self-pity will make us vulnerable. I've read somewhere once that we have no power to change the circumstances that befall us, but our response to the circumstances can change us. (Or maybe I didn't read it. I think Mel may have been the one who told me that. Don't really remember.) We can blame God and be bitter, or we can look beyond the sorrow that clamps our hearts and believe that it is for a greater purpose, a higher calling. All sorrow that touches men will first go through the heart of God. I don't know how am I suppose to make it right with God first, but my deep down in my very core being I know that to live without Him is to cease to exist. I want to be able to love and trust Him completely. And this whole drama experience has taught me a little of that. I've also learnt and experienced for myself the wonderful phrases "He heals the broken-hearted, binding up their wounds"; "My thoughts are higher than your thoughts, and my ways are higher than your ways"; "God has ordained your steps, so why worry along the way?". The Scriptures are better appreciated when one can associate real-life experiences with it. Knowledge is but useless when one does not have wisdom, and experiences grant wisdom.I'm on holiday now. I'm planning to pack my days to the max, and make sure that I always have something to do. Usually, my hols are even crazier than my uni days. I love it that way. So if anyone has any plans (except for doing crazy stunts like visiting strip bars), I'm IN!My Beloved is the chiefestOf ten thousand anywhereHe is altogether lovelyHe is altogether fairMy Beloved is so gentleAnd is strong beyond compareLabels: comings and goings, heart soul mind, musings, wellington
