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DELICIOUS AMBIGUITY ♥
Friday, December 29, 2006
"the old has passed, the new has come"

2006. 1st year in University. 19 turning 20. Roomates with Princess Fi. Seremban to Wellington. Kelburn Campus. Weir House. ICF member to Treasurer. City Church. Lifegroup. Had a hard time finding a mentor and was thinking of how am I going to get through it all alone. Straight. Was forced to expand social circle because had no friends but after social circle has been set, became more intimidated by new faces. Self-confidence at a so-so level. Growing faith in God. Tried to read the Bible everyday but failed miserably. No scrapbooking because not a camera whore. Learn a little guitar but seldom spend time on the piano. Exercise is a vulgar word and it's right up there with "gym". Nights at Oriental Parade with lots of good conversations. Coffee. Tried quite a few restaurants in town and thus became a tad pudgy. Less than 5 CDs. Not much time for movies. Good friends. Was told that I'm crude at times.

2007. 2nd year in University. 20 turning 21 (legally adult. HA!) Flatting with 3 Kiwi would-be lawyer males and a future scientist. Wellington. Pipitea Campus. Everton Hall. ICF Treasurer and who knows what else. Arise Church. Lifegroup. New found mentor. (Thanks Rubee!) Wavy (getting it done this coming Friday). Not too intimidated by new people. More self-confidence. More faith in God. Finish reading the Bible. Scrapbooking. Become a camera whore. More practice on the piano. Gym. More starry nights and good conversations at Oriental Parade (but cut down on the gelato). More coffee. Less eating. More CDs. More movies. More friends. Less crude. More ladylike (that's almost impossible but who cares). Strength, courage and faith to do God's will, whatever that might be, regardless of my likes and dislikes. To be better: in studies, in music, in relationships with God and people, in personality and in my commitments. More books. More wallpapers. A job. More smiles and dimples. More hugs. Less fights. Less what-ifs. Less dwelling on the past. More living in the present. More looking forward to the future. More dreams. Higher goals. More trust. More hope. Less distrust. And much much more love.

Live each season as it passes. Breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourselves to the influence of each - Henry David Thoreau-

Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact - Henry James-

Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone, and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering -Ian Scott Taylor-

Then Jesus said to His disciples:" Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! -Luke 12:11-24, The Bible, NIV-

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D I V A at 10:02 PM
1 drop(s) of love

Saturday, December 16, 2006
below the wind

I will be going back to Sabah tomorrow. Under normal circumstances, I'll be there for at least 2 weeks. However, I will be in Sabah for only 3 days this time, and will probably be in Kota Kinabalu. Most likely, I won't be going to the countryside. My mother, brother and sister are already there, and I'll be coming back home with them.

When people ask me where is my home, I often don't know what to say. If the person is not a Malaysian, the answer would be easy. I would say,"I'm from Malaysia." But if the person is Malaysian, a small part of me would be torn. Where is home? Seremban or Sabah? Most of the time, my answer would be Seremban, because that is where I grew up. But I was born in Sabah, thus I'm technically Sabahan. I have a large family there, and I'm half native. In Sabah, I won't be called a Chinese, even though I bear a Chinese name, and all official documents will classify me as one of Chinese heritage. They would call me "Sino-Kadazan", which means "Chinese-Kadazan", as if the Sinos are all another race by themselves. This reminds me of the Nyonya-Baba race. Maybe "Sino-Kadazans" would one day evolve to be another race on its own as well. Maybe. Maybe not.


There are circumstances where acquaintances asked me what I know about Sabah, and I would often tell them the story of Mount Kinabalu. It's one of my favourite myths...

Legend says that at the mountains, there is a precious pearl, and it is beautiful beyond measure. The pearl is known worldwide and many long to claim it as their own. However, the pearl is guarded by a ferocious dragon, and many have been killed trying to retrieve the pearl.

There was once a Chinese prince who came to the lands of Borneo on a small ship, also known as "tongkang". He heard about the pearl, and like many others before him, wants to claim it. Ah, but this prince is far more valiant and brave than any of the rest. To the amazement of many, he successfully killed the dragon and claimed the pearl for himself. Perhaps he was enchanted by the beauty of Borneo and its culture. Perhaps he was a wandering man, one who was always looking for an adventure. I don't know. But after the completion of his mission, he did not return to his native land China. Instead, he stayed in Borneo, and he fell in love with a Kadazan woman. The Kadazan people are the natives of the upper part of Borneo. He stayed there and the Chinese prince married her.

However it is sad to note that the ending of this myth is but a sad, mournful one. Due to homesickness, the prince left his beloved wife. The poets say that love is all you need, but for this Chinese man, his heart loved his land more than his woman. Why he did not take his wife to be with him, no one knows. It's probably because of the vast differences in culture. Maybe they fell in love in the wrong century under the wrong circumstances. No one knows. But he left her, all by herself, carrying his child. After he left, his wife grieved for him every single waking moment of her life. She would often climbed the mountains so that she can view the sea, hoping that she can see her love's "tongkang", coming back into her loving embrace, even when her pregnancy was advanced. One day, she climbed the mountains, but she never came back. Due to extreme sadness, she died at the top of the mountains, and turned into stone. She waited, but he did not come.

When you view the summit of Mount Kinabalu, you will see that it is the shape of a pregnant women lying down. "Kina" means "Chinese". "Balu" means widow. And hence, the mountain was called "Kinabalu", meaning "Chinese Widow."

That is what you will read in tour guides and the Internet when you wonder about the origin of the name "Kinabalu". However, only the natives will tell you an addition to this tale that is far more chilling. Sir Hugh Low was the first man who conquered the mountain. However, there were many people who have died trying to reach the summit. It is normal during those times. Many a man have died in the name of adventure. However, rumours say that most of the people who died trying to climb the summit..were Chinese. Of course, the chances of survival when climbing Mount Kinabalu these days is almost 100%. Many Chinese people have conquered the summit successfully. But who knows about those days before Sir Hugh Low, when climbing this summit was a challenge to all? This is not to scare my fellow Chinese kinsmen, but this is merely what I have heard from my Kadazan family.

Returning to the Land below the Wind...

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D I V A at 8:07 PM
2 drop(s) of love

Monday, December 11, 2006

Now there's a wall between us. Something there's been lost

-Bob Dylan-

Nothing can make up for the absence of someone whom we love. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; He doesn't fill it, but on the contrary, He keeps it empty and so helps us to keep alive our former communion with each other, even at the cost of pain. The dearer and richer our memories, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude changes the pangs of memory into a tranquil joy. The beauties of the past are borne, not as a thorn in the flesh, but as a precious gift in themselves.

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer-

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D I V A at 5:52 PM
4 drop(s) of love

Friday, December 08, 2006
curse

"Beauty is a curse on the world" -Nip/Tuck-

Nip/Tuck is one of my favourite dramas. Despite of the crazy family relations and absolutely mind-boggling sex lifes the drama potrays, it has good storylines and Julian McMahon is the icing on the cake =)

It has got me thinking about how the world views beauty: what is on the surface matters. I myself am undergoing treatment for acne, which I've suffered for the past 3 years. Pharmacies sell tons of beauty products and make-up, and plastic surgery is becoming more and more common. It is sad to say that this is how the world is always going to be: judging a book by its cover. Sure, motivational books and moral idealists tell us that inner beauty is the one that matters, and I'm sure it does. But humans always have the tendency to judge what's on the outside first, and then only look at one's personality. The Bible says that God looks not at the outward appearances, the beauty accessories or adornments, but rather at the heart and spirit.

I don't believe that beauty is a curse. It is good to be beautiful. It is a blessing. There is no evil in being bestowed physical beauty. I think beauty is a lot like money. It is not the commodity itself that is evil, but the love for it is. There's nothing wrong with being beautiful, but if that is all that one yearns for, then there is where the downhill turmoil starts. This is because of the God-ordained cycle of nature. We are born, we grow, we grow old, then we die. No amount of botox, chemical peels, face-lifts or lipo can reverse that cycle. We might look younger than our age, but a 60 year old man can never look the way he was when he was 20. It's impossible. I feel that a responsible and healthy lifestyle is more important. A good diet, exercise, correct use of pharmaceutical products and a little make-up can go a long way, enabling us to age gracefully and remain vibrant at the same time. Beauty is indeed a blessing, but only for a short while. It's only a loan, and it will be taken away. Like the rest of this earth, it doesn't last.

I've heard people saying that the world should value inner beauty more. And indeed they should. But I think that everyone will come to a point where they give up on being beautiful on the outside, no matter how much they love the look of youth. The question is WHEN. Some will realise it early, for else, it's the last few minutes of their lives. This is because despite being bombarded with the standards of beauty, all of us know deep within ourselves that it'll never last. Some will admit it willingly, some won't.

And as for myself, I'm no great beauty, no great ugly either. But I really want the bloody acne to go away. Argh.

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D I V A at 10:37 AM
1 drop(s) of love

Sunday, December 03, 2006
drink with me

Drink with me to days gone by
To the life that used to be
At the shrine of friendship never say die
Let the wine of friendship never run dry
Here's to you and here's to me

Somtimes it hurts, because it feels like I've lost a really good friend. It may not be so, but that's what it feels like sometimes.

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D I V A at 1:07 PM
2 drop(s) of love