to the younger me
Stole this idea from the koko himself! Hope you don't mind Jarod =) Read all about it here
Dearest Younger Me,
One song, I have but one song,
One song only for you
One heart, tenderly beating
Ever entreating, constant and true....
It brings back memories, doesn't it? I remember the very first time we heard that song, and since then its been forever engraved in our heads. After 10 years since listening to that song, I still sing it from time to time. I guess this part of us will never change, no matter how old we get.
But such is life. It forces you to grow wiser, and there are so many things that I wish that I can share with you, so that you can do things right this time. But I know how you are like. You are adamant about making your own mistakes. But praise be to God, they're not too serious, yet. And I know you. Once you've made the mistake, you would wish that you can just go back into the past and change it again.
But since I have had the pleasure of hindsight, please, take heed to what I am about to say.
Understand that marriage is a beautiful thing. It was created by God, and it was never meant to be horrible or sad. I know you know this, so hold on to it, and always believe that not everyone will have a sad ending. And even sad endings can be the beginning of happy endings. Some people will try to come and tell you that God doesn't really have a hand in it, because some of the loneliest people are married. So God doesn't really plan marriages. Don't listen to them. They have no idea what they're talking about. You have seen it for yourself. So don't be shaken up by statements like that.
And when I say "happy ending", it is not your wedding day. If your wedding day is the happiest day of your life then you are in big trouble. The happiest day of your life should come AFTER your wedding day. And there shouldn't be only ONE happy day, there should be so many happy days that you have lost count. It is not the dress or the hair or the bridesmaid or the cake. It is not even the ring. Those things do not buy happiness. No.
Some will then tell you that you need to set certain criteria or standards so that you can find happiness. You know what I mean. Things like: he must be good-looking, he must be older than me, he must be smart and intelligent, he must play the guitar (you used to be real adamant about this one), blah blah blah. Sure, these are good things. But let me tell you, at the end of the day, they don't really matter. Because good looks will wither away, and maturity does not equal age, and some people are academically smart but retards in everything else, and everybody can play the guitar if they put enough effort into learning it. And there are many other things that you can demand of a guy, but let me tell you, you only need 4 things: that he is a good guy, that he is a responsible guy, that he loves you, and that he loves God with all his heart.
Standards too low?
Let me tell you, in this whole wide world, there is probably only one who can fulfill all that. You only see what he portrays to the world, but only God knows his heart. And only God can turn his heart to see your beauty in the midst of your inadequacies. Only God knows his true nature. And only God can make him fall totally, deeply, whole-heartedly in love with you. All of the other things - NOT IMPORTANT, even the one about the guitar. Let it go. Ain't worth it.
Oh, and another thing. Pray. Pray. Pray. Pray. God is the strength of your heart. Pray.
By now you have probably met some bad ass characters, and you will meet more of those in the future. I know it hurts when your heart gets broken into pieces and promises go unfulfilled. It may seem like there are no good men around, but don't give up. You need to go on believing in the existence of good men, of men who love God and will love their wives and children. As long as God is still alive, He will stir the hearts of men to Himself. So don't give up. Don't lose hope. They're not all that bad =). And you'll meet some really good guys in the future too!
And now, let me tell you what happiness really is
Happiness is when you know that he's always going to be there, that even if you get so angry at him and scream at his face and tell him to get lost (which, you will discover, you actually have that kind of capacity towards anger), he's staying put and he's not leaving you. No matter how much you tell him to get lost, he's not going anywhere because he knows you. Its all just hormones and you being very melancholic. He loves you, so he's staying put. He might scream back, but he's staying put. Happiness is when both of you are serving God together and building His Kingdom, united under His banner. Happiness is when he is leading you closer to your Maker, and you are always encouraging him to look at the face of Jesus. You know you have happiness when he is sacrificing himself for God, for you and for your children; that nothing in this earth can compare to those three jewels, and I mean nothing. Happiness is when he loves you even though you're old, fat, wrinkly and cranky. Happiness is when he cares for you when you're sick and puking your guts out. Happiness is feeling his body close to your heart when you're too depressed to carry on. Happiness is knowing and having full assurance that he loves you, that he's staying, and he's not going anywhere, that he is putting God and his family first, that he's not going to have some other woman behind your back.
And there is one, final thing.
You will come to realize this for yourself one day: there are certain places in the heart that are just too deep, and only God can go there. This man might be the closest person to you, but it is nothing compared to the surpassing comfort of being close to Jesus. He doesn't really complete you. God does. Even though he may be an amazing guy, he is nothing compared to Jesus, and he knows that I'm sure. This man is your lover, your best friend, and the father of your children, but there are things that he will never understand, circumstances that he will never know, and memories that he will never discover. So then let God complete you. Plus, by being completed by God, you are more than able to love and honour him.
One love that has possessed me
One love, thrilling me through
One song, my heart keeps singing
Of one love only for you.
And you'll be fine. Don't worry. You worry too much. Stop it.
Signed,
Older Me
hosea: my compassion aroused
Love-torn faces
Journey: Wellington - Auckland. Partner-in-crime: this real cool and crazy stats analyst-cum-great friend named Ruth =D
It was really lots of fun! Kudos to AOCF for a great and wonderful performance, and I can assure you that there will never be another show like that one! It had it all: comedy, tear-jerkers, dancing and good music. They have put in a lot of effort into the making of this musical, and praise God for a good turnout and a great night!
I thank God for old friendships being rekindled and for new people who had intertwined their lives with mine. Thank God for the sunshine, relatively warm weather and good food. Thank God for good people who spent almost the whole weekened with us, and making sure that we're well taken care of. Thank God for people who opened up their home so that we have a place to stay. Thank God for people who were willing to drive us here and there and everywhere whenever they can. May the good Lord bless you guys a hundred times fold! And thank God for chicken rice and dunkin donuts. Ah God bless Auckland!
And I think the Aucklanders are due for a visit to Welly =) *hint hint*
.....
You think you know people. You really don't. What you know is a mere perception that is perhaps party generated by your mind. What is in a man's soul is but for God to know. And it is in the little, subtle things that you see a man's heart: the way he treats his friends, the manner in which he speaks, the conversations he has with you, the expressions on his face etc. It speaks so much of him: his principles, his ideals, his character, and most important of all, whether you really mattered to him in the first place. God is God of the great and mighty, of the desert storm and the ocean deeps. But He is also the God for the small things, of a sincere handshake and a warm smile, of a thank you card and a kind word, of a genuine hello and a sad goodbye, of quality time and a love-filled hug. So if you do not bother with the small things, you're really not much of a man at all. And God bless those who know that God cares about the small, subtle things.
I care about the small, subtle things.
And it breaks my heart that you don't.
....
Oh Lord
Hear me, hear my words unspoken
Restore my faith in hoping
Hear me, I am feeling broken
I am broken open
Turn my tears into wine
All that is left of me are traces
Make me stronger in my broken places
-Jim Brickman-
i will never understand
My dearest friend,
It matters not whether you will be able to read this, and perhaps its even for the best, but this, every word, is from my heart.
I would like to say to you now what people should have said to you when you were a mere boy at the tender age of 12 to 18: You are awesome, and you have God's touch on your life. You have sacrificed much in the name of faith, and with your whole heart you have poured out your life for the body of Christ. You are God's great and mighty tool, used by Him to propel His Kingdom. God loves you. He sees your struggles and have counted your tears. All that you are doing now will not be in vain.
I just wished someone have told you that a long, long time ago. Then perhaps you will never know the pain of being used and abused, or the suffering that comes with non-appreciation, and the hurt that comes with loneliness, of doing things without support. Perhaps, but we will never know.
I dare not say that I understand because I don't, and I never will. Our experiences are different, and sad to say that God has not given me the privilege of being able to sympathize and cry with you. To say the words "I understand" would be the greatest lie of all, and it would undermine the beauty and comfort those words bring. Taking words lightly is such a common thing in our generation, is it not? Words like "love" and "commitment" and "forever and always" are said with puff, not realizing the gravity of the echo that follow those words. "I understand" falls under this category. I will say it upfront: I do not understand.
But what I understand is that we both serve and love a God who is good and gracious with His mercy. We both believe in a God who created the world to be good, and created us to be in relationship with Him. He wants to be close to us, to bless us, and for us to bask in His glorious light, and to forever feel His peace. And I am, at times, disappointed and ashamed at the followers of this great and mighty God, and this includes myself. I am ashamed at myself too. This shame comes from our innate inability to portray Him in His true beauty. We preach that as Christians, our lives should model that of Christ. But all have failed because all have sinned. Thanks be to our Holy God for His everlasting grace! In our weaknesses, He was, is and will be made perfect. I am sad that the Christians in your life have used and abused you, but you need to know that God has engraved your name in the palm of His hand. But you do know that already, don't you?
Then all we can do now is to pray: this is our greatest weapon against the deadly enemy call "fear of the past". I pray that He will strengthen you and guide you, then He will cause you to cast the past into the deep, and to rise up to be a stronger, better man. I pray that His peace will be with you for the rest of days here on earth, and may you one day take up the mantle of leadership again, and continue to live your life as a living sacrifice for Him. May you find joy in being His servant, and may you have the happiness that comes from being part of a great community of God. May you always be encouraged. May you always be loved. But you are loved. You are my friend, and like in any genuine friendship, love exists.
Always remember that it is not in His nature to break a bruised reed or to snuff out a smoldering wick. His nature is to heal those who are broken-hearted, binding up their wounds. It is His nature to set the captives free from prison, even the prison of the past. You are God's great creation, and He will always love you.
And I write this to you now, with all love and sincerity. You will be in my prayers.
on my own
And now I'm all alone again
No where to turn, no one to go to
Without a home, without a friend
Without someone to say hello to
But now the night is near
I can make believe he's near
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him, and then I'm happy
with the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head
On my own, pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes,
and he has found me
In the rain, the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever
And I know, its only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself, and not to him
And although, I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us
I love him, but when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
the streets are full of strangers
I love him, but everyday I'm learning
All my life, I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
The world is full of happiness that I have never known
I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.
-Eponine, singing about Marius; Les Miserables-
