This downtown apartment sure makes me miss home
And those bills there on the counter
keep telling me I'm on my own
And just like every Sunday I called up momma last night
And even when it's not, I tell her everything's all right
Before I hung up, I said, "Hey momma, don't forget
To tell my baby sister I'll see her in the fall
And tell me-maw I miss her
Yeah, I should give her a call
And make sure you tell daddy that I'm still his little girl
Yeah I still feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be
Don't forget to remember me"
-Carrie Underwood-
I'm back in Wellington. There are times when I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be, like in the song, but where I am now is danger zone, away from my comfort. It seems so awkward, these little actions that I used to do, and then did it no longer, and now doing it again. Walking instead of having the comfort of a car, paying for my own meals, scrounging for my food, thinking of bills and rent and living expenses, and many more. Orientation is next week and I'm scared out of my wits. Other fund-raising events are always at the back of my mind. Other thoughts are constantly floating in my head. One of them is studies. I met up with Jia Yin recently, and its hats off to her. Seeing her struggle (and yet doing well!) has made me afraid of what lies ahead of me. And yet I know, in everything that I do, I am not alone. He watches me. He cares for me. And His love transcends all. Oh if only this thought will constantly be in my head. I will worry so much less! I should begin to train my mind to have this thought: I am not alone. He watches me.
The fragility of humanity. Like glass. Easily broken, and have been broken many times, but His love held the pieces and glued them again. And it's the same for all humans, not just myself. In that sense, I'm not alone. I struggle. So do others. And that is perhaps the most beautiful thing about humanity: we struggle, we shatter like glass, and yet we have in us the ability to survive. We just have to find it, and I found it in Jesus. He saw me through thick and thin. I am not alone. He watches me.
.....
I wish I can tell you how much I long for your friendship, your advice, your counsel. Was the past so bad to the point that the wall erected will never fall? I miss you, friend.
.....
Perhaps this is where I'm supposed to be: danger zone. But home will always be where I belong.
It's like the song:
"Maybe surrounded by a million people, I still feel all alone, I just wanna go home....
Another aeroplane, another sunny day, I'm lucky I know, but I wanna go home"
But... where is home?
They say home is where the heart is.
It's like the song:
"Once you found your lover, you are homeward bound, love is all around"
Home is in the arms of the one who loves you. A lover. An enduring friend. A wonderful family member. Him who watches over me. I want to be home. Always.
JT: I'm so sorry for what happened.
Labels: heart soul mind, wellington
I'll be leaving for Student Leadership Conference soon. I'm not sure what to expect when I'm there. I guess its better not to expect anything and let God blow my mind away. I'm all packed. Well, sort of.I'll be heading off to university soon to hand in application for grant, and do some other banking stuff for ICF. Dan asked me yesterday, "How many hours does being on committee take in a week?" And I answered, "It demands your whole life. You can no longer compartmentalise your life anymore. That's how Christian life should be anyway. Integrated. Every single part of your life should reflect Christ."Here I am, plucking Leesha's beautiful guitar, and trying to do so as softly as possible. The Queen herself banned me from playing the guitar after 9pm. I'm not so sure about the morning hours though. I've been hanging on to this instrument for so many hours for the past few days. =)I'm now waiting for my roomate (well, soon to be ex-roomate) who is probably in the shower. We're suppose to hand in the grant together. Around this time last year I was praying so damn hard for a good roomate. There is something comforting in the thought of coming back home after a long day and seeing a familiar and friendly face. Emphasis on "friendly". Fi has been an awesome roomate and lots of good times in Weir were with her. God answers prayers.And now, back to the guitar.Labels: comings and goings, wellington
*Breathing a great sigh of RELIEF*It's all done and over with. I've finished 1st year.It seems like only yesterday when I'm in this country, absorbing everything that's new and unfamiliar to me. In many ways, I still feel like I'm new. There's so much to see, so much to look forward to, and so much more to experience. One year down. Three (hopefully) left to go. And who knows what kind of person I will be after all those years have come and go?ECON 140 was ok, I think. I couldn't concentrate during ACCY 111. My brain was half-dead during QUAN 111 but I finished the paper before mid-point. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, it is still yet to be decided. MGMT 101. HAH! I didn't have enough time to do the last question properly. When I finished my last paper, I strolled back to Weir with Emma, ran up to my floor, pushed open my room door, danced into my room and said to Fi, "The clouds opened, and God said: IT IS GOOD!"After lunch, Emma, Fi and I hit Westfield Queensgate. SHOPPING! Even though Fi was the shopping queen but Emz and I spent more money than her. It's been so long since I did proper shopping. I think I'm losing my stamina. Mid-Valley and 1U is at least 3 times the size of Westfield, and I never got tired. I actually got tired at tiny little Queensgate. I can't believe it. Fi asked, "Fran, are you sure you're a girl?" Sigh...Reminiscence..This exam period was the toughest yet, because I had to go through some other major problems at the same time as exams. When going through it all, I often wondered to the Lord, "WHY??" But I've learnt, seemingly the difficult way, that the love of God is beautiful and yet terrible - terrible because it will not leave anything unblemished or unworthy in the beloved. I know that I've grown stronger, more resilient, and wiser. And He will never be content until I've become what He thinks I ought to become.I'm currently reading a book entitled 'Hinds' Feet to High Places' by Hannah Hurnard, and I would highly recommend the book to all my fellow romantics out there. In fact, I would recommend the book to anyone who yearns to know what true love is. Of course, the Word of God should be our first source of the meaning of love, but the book is written based on the Bible, written in fiction, and yet, with a great sense of reality. When studying management, I would often read the book during my 'taking-a-break' moments, and it is not a wonder that I would end up reading more pages in the book and less of my management notes. Ah, temptations. When I read the book, it was as if the main character 'Much-Afraid' is a reflection of who I am deep inside: Crippled, disfigured, filled with the fear of everything unknown, afraid to lose control of my life, but yet yearning so much to be able to love and trust the Lord completely, and to follow Him to the High Places. What I've went through was not my first breakdown, and it will not be my last. I sense that many more dangers, trials, tribulations, emotional and psychological pains await me. The mere thought of what I have to go through in order for the Lord's purpose to be fulfilled strikes me with fear. Such is the love that God has for us, as He sees our full potential and will not let us rest until He sees our God-ordained destinies fulfilled. How many more times will my heart be broken? It is already badly scarred. When again will my spirit be weakened? However, in spite of it all, I know I will always manage to come out of it stronger than before, and closer to fulfilling God's kingdom purposes. This much I know is true: that I need to come to a point in life where I say to God, "having You, knowing You, experiencing Your love, is enough. You are enough for me." I have to make it right with Him first. I feel like Much-Afraid when she's wandering with her travelling mates 'Sorrow' and 'Suffering' on that great, desolate Sea of Loneliness, often being attacked and ridiculed by her relatives Resentment, Bitterness and Self-Pity. The Shepard chose Sorrow and Suffering as her companions because Love and Pain go hand-in-hand. To love is to feel pain, coupled with great sorrow and suffering. When one is wandering along the Sea of Loneliness, one would often question the Lord what is the purpose of it all? Why deny the one desire that He hasn't fulfill? That's where resentment, bitterness and self-pity will make us vulnerable. I've read somewhere once that we have no power to change the circumstances that befall us, but our response to the circumstances can change us. (Or maybe I didn't read it. I think Mel may have been the one who told me that. Don't really remember.) We can blame God and be bitter, or we can look beyond the sorrow that clamps our hearts and believe that it is for a greater purpose, a higher calling. All sorrow that touches men will first go through the heart of God. I don't know how am I suppose to make it right with God first, but my deep down in my very core being I know that to live without Him is to cease to exist. I want to be able to love and trust Him completely. And this whole drama experience has taught me a little of that. I've also learnt and experienced for myself the wonderful phrases "He heals the broken-hearted, binding up their wounds"; "My thoughts are higher than your thoughts, and my ways are higher than your ways"; "God has ordained your steps, so why worry along the way?". The Scriptures are better appreciated when one can associate real-life experiences with it. Knowledge is but useless when one does not have wisdom, and experiences grant wisdom.I'm on holiday now. I'm planning to pack my days to the max, and make sure that I always have something to do. Usually, my hols are even crazier than my uni days. I love it that way. So if anyone has any plans (except for doing crazy stunts like visiting strip bars), I'm IN!My Beloved is the chiefestOf ten thousand anywhereHe is altogether lovelyHe is altogether fairMy Beloved is so gentleAnd is strong beyond compareLabels: comings and goings, heart soul mind, musings, wellington
