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DELICIOUS AMBIGUITY ♥
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
He changed my life today

On my way back to the hostel, I lost my student ID. I don't know how it happened. One minute it was in my hand, and the next thing I know it's gone. I tracked back my steps and tried to search for it. I couldn't find it anywhere. I have statistic test in less than two hours. I need the card to get into the hostel. I need the card. I was getting anxious and worried. Losing the card is going to cause me lots of problems for the next few days, especially when accessing the hostel doors. I walked around the path in Kelburn Park. I walked around the playground in front of Weir. I couldn't find it. I felt helpless.

I rushed into the hostel when I saw a few others who were on their way back to the hostel. I stashed my things up in my room and ran back down to the playground to try and find my ID.

Then from afar I saw Zac. He was kind enough to offer me a hand. We went round and round, searching everywhere but couldn't find it. In the end, I gave up. I felt bad for bothering him. So I went inside for dinner. I can't stop thinking about how stupid I was for losing such an important thing. I was afraid that I might need it in my stat test for identification purposes. I was thinking about how am I going to go in and out of the hostel using the other entrances other than the main door. I was preparing myself to sacrifice precious money to pay for my carelessness.

I went back up to my room. I looked at myself in the mirror and squeezed a white, ghastly pimple. I chucked my test pad, graph paper, calculator, purse, keys, bottle of water, coin purse, passport and bible into my bag. (I have a bible life group right after the test, so that's why I brought my bible.) I sat on my bed, and with a sigh I uttered, "God, I know I never trusted you as much as I should. I pray that you will help me put my faith in You. Please help me find my student ID. I can't do anything more. But God, if I really can't get back my ID, I pray that this won't affect me in my test later. Thank you, Lord."

I stood up and took the long way out of the hostel. I stepped into the playground and started scanning again, one last time. There were two guys there who were talking. One of them looked at me and said, "Did you lose something?". I looked up and said, "Yeah, I lost my ID." He took a puff of his cigarette and said, "Yeah I know. I picked it up and kept it. Here, is this yours?" I walked towards his extended arm and took that familiar piece of plastic. I couldn't say anything but the words "Thank you". Thank you for holding on to my ID. Thank you God for answering my prayer. Today an angel appeared to me in the form of a guy with dreds and he was smoking.

It was only an ID. God didn't have to help me. In fact, I think I totally deserve a few days of suffering because of my utter stupidity and carelessness. It would have taught me a lesson that I'll never forget. But He, the great and mighty, was interested in helping me to find my student ID. It's just an ID, and yet He was interested. I felt overwhelmed. If He's willing to take care of me in lil' things such as ID, what more of the big things in life like studies, my future, and relationships? Will He not take care of those areas of my life as well? He changed my life today.

It's the little things that change life. In the future, if I'm discouraged or feeling helpless, all I need to do is remembering that angel with dreds and a cigarette, and how God used a stranger to tell me one profound truth: "have faith in Me."

Oh yeah, I had my first test today. Statistics 193. I have Dr. Dong Wang to thank. Lots of the questions he gave in the sample tests came out in the real thing. Time was against me but I'm glad I was able to finish it in time with a few more minutes to spare. I don't know how I did in the test but I'm hoping that it won't be too bad. Easter break is coming in two more days. I have my whole weekend planned out. MAN I AM EXCITED!!!
D I V A at 7:59 PM
2 drop(s) of love

Monday, April 03, 2006
that great big step

Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe. ~Saint Augustine~

I wish that I can run into the future and have a glimpse of what will happen. Life would be easier that way, because everything will finally be concrete and not ambiguous. I won't be like a blind child searching her way through life with nothing but her sense, intuition and hope in a God that she's still learning to trust completely.

How many times have my heart been wrong? Although my intuition has saved me many times from making bad decisions, it has not always been right. I still make wrongful choices that I regret till this very day. However, because those choices are in the past now, I can see clearly the reason why it happenned, and how it has changed me. I'm a different person. I know that it'll be the same 10 years down the future. Now, I don't understand why these things have to happen but I do know that it is happening for a reason that I cannot yet comprehend. I just need to learn how to let go of the circumstances that I cannot control into the hands of the one who created me. I can pray, petition, ask and beg, but I know in the end it is never about me. It's about trusting Him to take care of me. It's always about Him. The confusion, heartache and tears will end when I see His plans unfolding. Confusion can fade away. Hearts can be mended. Tears will dry. I just need to take that little step of faith, and trust that all things happen for a greater good that I cannot yet see. Even though the steps may be small, like a little babe learning how to walk, it will do wonders to my soul. I can finally be free. Free from worries, from anxiety, from frustration and from confusion. If what I hope for is taken away from me, I know its because He has planned out something far better than I can ever imagine. To have faith is to be sure of what I hope for and to be certain of what I cannot see. Despite the logic of my head, I'm to just believe that everything will be all right in the end. It's hard, but it'll be good for a weary heart to let go of the cares of the world, and just focus on things that I can actually change.

In confused moments like these I'm thankful for the piano. I can just concentrate on playing out my emotions, turning feelings into harmony. Maybe that's why my improvisations are always so random. It's probably because I'm confused.

Easter is coming soon. The holidays start next week. Man, I can't WAIT to escape from uni...
D I V A at 3:32 PM
2 drop(s) of love