26th November 1986. It was twenty years ago.
And now my second decade in this dance called "Life" begins. I can't believe how much has changed over the past one year. I know for sure that I'm a different person.
God has certainly opened the eyes of my heart, and has challenged and altered my views on many things. Through the ups and downs, He has always been there. Though the road was filled with sorrow, He helped me overcome it all. There is still so much more to learn and experience, and many more wonders about the Lord that I still am yet to know. Yet He has revealed so much of Him to me this year.
In this year, I've experienced such a great life in New Zealand; formed many wonderful bonds that I'm confident will last for a lifetime; started, endured and finished 1st year of university and realising that maybe I am cut out to be an accountant (just maybe); joined a lifegroup and met people who are now like family; joined ICF and now became part of the committee; greatly increased my love for music and the beauty of the beach; ate so much ice cream and chocolate cake (I've eaten more than I've ever had in my entire life); developed a liking for coffee (mocha in particular), sushi and bubble tea; managed to live in a small congested room with a great roomate in a crazy, sex-and-alcohol driven hostel; realised how absolutely wonderful Jesus is and the lessons that He has taught me; fell in love; got heartbroken and yet still 'plodded' through because Jesus heals the broken hearted; improved on playing the guitar but I still have a long way to go; became crazy about Jars of Clay, Jack Johnson and John Mayer, and have sudden urges to dance when I listen to some of their songs...
I'm changed. And hopefully for the better.
Here's to another wonderful year ahead.
Labels: heart soul mind, musings
Which probably explains why its 5.50am Malaysian time and I'm wide awake. It should be about 10am in New Zealand now.It's great being back home.I am yet to explore the changes in this small town of Seremban. However I'm not expecting anything significant. This town feels dead sometimes. It's like a picture. It doesn't change. But it's home. And there is no place like home.I miss heaps of Malaysian food when I was in NZ. Now that I'm back here, I don't know where to start. I finally had "lau shu fen" last night. Bliss.. Still many more food to taste (lau shu fen: directly translated it means "mice powder". It's actually a type of chinese noodles. The noodles look a little like rat tails. I'm guessing that's where it got it's name.)My dad's first reaction in the airport when he saw me after 10 months was: "WAH.. so many pimples.." When I reached home, my mom commented on my face AND on my weight. ARGH! There was a time when there was no blemish AT ALL on my face. The last time I had that face was when I was 17. Even SPM didn't damage my face. And then I went to college. That's when it all started. University made it even worse. And NZ makes people fat. So when I came back home, I was pimply and fat. ARGH! However, it seems that's what always happen, and everyone assured me that I'll lose all the weight when I'm in Malaysia. As for my face, I'm finally undergoing treatment.It's kinda funny how my parents got to meet the doctor that's treating my face. I think the story started when my brother got a cut on his finger and the blood flow wouldn't stop. So my parents took him to the nearest doctor, which is the doctor that I'm currently seeing. Later on, my mother had lumps on her throat, and she consulted this doctor as well. The medication that she prescribed helped my mom alot. She told my mom to go back and see her if the lumps didn't not fully subside, and there's no more medication left. Yesterday, my mom took the last of her medication, but she said that the lumps have not fully subside. So she decided to see the doctor, and my dad suggested that she took me along to ask about my skin.When we reached the clinic, the doctor treated my mom first, which took only 5 minutes. She then turned to me and say, "And your pimples! Aiyoo..". Apparently the main causes of my acne was high levels of stress, hormones and my scalp. So she gave me a facial wash for acne prone skin, some kind of shampoo for my hair (the shampoo is poisonous and it's pink. Yeah. Pink.), and 15% Alpha Hydroxide gel to prep my face for a 35% chemical peel on Friday. I'm guessing this is to get rid of the scars. Then we'll see how things go. This means that I'm not going to meet anyone other than family for a while.God gave me a new heart. Let's pray that this treatment works so that I can have a new face. And after that maybe a new hairstyle. Haha..Labels: comings and goings, home
Current song stuck in my head - "Why Can't I?" by Liz PhlairGet a hold of me, get a hold of youWalking down the streetAnd I hardly know youIt's just like we were meant to beHolding hands with you when we're out at nightGot a girlfriend you say it ain't rightAnd I got someone waiting too....Isn't this the best part about breaking upFinding someone else you can't get enough ofSomeone who will care for you too...SLC was life-changing. Time and again I was challenged to draw closer to God and to be bold in spreading the gospel. The most important lesson that I've learnt was the significance and the importance of the Word of God. To understand God one must understand His Word. But too often I've neglected His Word, mainly due to the liberty of worship that I always take for granted. I am determined to read His Word, not just for the sake of reading it, but also to understand its context and meaning. I was also challenged to be bold for the Word of God on campus. Being a naturally shy person, (although this trait is not really evident now but its true), I find it hard to strike up conversations with people that I don't know. The field trip in SLC was thus a huge challenge for me. The task was to strike up conversations with strangers and to just listen to their story. (I don't think this is applicable in Malaysia.) If the issue of God creeps into the conversation, praise be. If it doesn't, it's still ok. This is such a useful skill on campus, especially in building relationships and spreading the Word of Jesus not only through words, but through lifestyles as well.I've also met lots of awesome people all over New Zealand, and had a great time exchanging life stories and ideas. The weather however was absolutely horrible, having only one day of sunshine but rain all week. I was sick all week. I'm still sick now.I'll be heading of to the airport in about 14 minutes. Leesha is suppose to drop me off but she's not awake yet. Hmm.. I'm going home. The thought hasn't really sunk in yet. I hope the flight won't make my sickness worse.I don't know how I'm suppose to react. Mixed feelings. I miss my family and friends back home. But New Zealand has been like a little home to me too. Just a few weeks back, my plans for the holidays were totally different. Ah life. Changes creep in and WHAM! You don't know what hit you.I'm going home.Lord, I know all I need is you. Still my past haunts meLabels: heart soul mind, musings
I'll be leaving for Student Leadership Conference soon. I'm not sure what to expect when I'm there. I guess its better not to expect anything and let God blow my mind away. I'm all packed. Well, sort of.I'll be heading off to university soon to hand in application for grant, and do some other banking stuff for ICF. Dan asked me yesterday, "How many hours does being on committee take in a week?" And I answered, "It demands your whole life. You can no longer compartmentalise your life anymore. That's how Christian life should be anyway. Integrated. Every single part of your life should reflect Christ."Here I am, plucking Leesha's beautiful guitar, and trying to do so as softly as possible. The Queen herself banned me from playing the guitar after 9pm. I'm not so sure about the morning hours though. I've been hanging on to this instrument for so many hours for the past few days. =)I'm now waiting for my roomate (well, soon to be ex-roomate) who is probably in the shower. We're suppose to hand in the grant together. Around this time last year I was praying so damn hard for a good roomate. There is something comforting in the thought of coming back home after a long day and seeing a familiar and friendly face. Emphasis on "friendly". Fi has been an awesome roomate and lots of good times in Weir were with her. God answers prayers.And now, back to the guitar.Labels: comings and goings, wellington
*Breathing a great sigh of RELIEF*It's all done and over with. I've finished 1st year.It seems like only yesterday when I'm in this country, absorbing everything that's new and unfamiliar to me. In many ways, I still feel like I'm new. There's so much to see, so much to look forward to, and so much more to experience. One year down. Three (hopefully) left to go. And who knows what kind of person I will be after all those years have come and go?ECON 140 was ok, I think. I couldn't concentrate during ACCY 111. My brain was half-dead during QUAN 111 but I finished the paper before mid-point. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, it is still yet to be decided. MGMT 101. HAH! I didn't have enough time to do the last question properly. When I finished my last paper, I strolled back to Weir with Emma, ran up to my floor, pushed open my room door, danced into my room and said to Fi, "The clouds opened, and God said: IT IS GOOD!"After lunch, Emma, Fi and I hit Westfield Queensgate. SHOPPING! Even though Fi was the shopping queen but Emz and I spent more money than her. It's been so long since I did proper shopping. I think I'm losing my stamina. Mid-Valley and 1U is at least 3 times the size of Westfield, and I never got tired. I actually got tired at tiny little Queensgate. I can't believe it. Fi asked, "Fran, are you sure you're a girl?" Sigh...Reminiscence..This exam period was the toughest yet, because I had to go through some other major problems at the same time as exams. When going through it all, I often wondered to the Lord, "WHY??" But I've learnt, seemingly the difficult way, that the love of God is beautiful and yet terrible - terrible because it will not leave anything unblemished or unworthy in the beloved. I know that I've grown stronger, more resilient, and wiser. And He will never be content until I've become what He thinks I ought to become.I'm currently reading a book entitled 'Hinds' Feet to High Places' by Hannah Hurnard, and I would highly recommend the book to all my fellow romantics out there. In fact, I would recommend the book to anyone who yearns to know what true love is. Of course, the Word of God should be our first source of the meaning of love, but the book is written based on the Bible, written in fiction, and yet, with a great sense of reality. When studying management, I would often read the book during my 'taking-a-break' moments, and it is not a wonder that I would end up reading more pages in the book and less of my management notes. Ah, temptations. When I read the book, it was as if the main character 'Much-Afraid' is a reflection of who I am deep inside: Crippled, disfigured, filled with the fear of everything unknown, afraid to lose control of my life, but yet yearning so much to be able to love and trust the Lord completely, and to follow Him to the High Places. What I've went through was not my first breakdown, and it will not be my last. I sense that many more dangers, trials, tribulations, emotional and psychological pains await me. The mere thought of what I have to go through in order for the Lord's purpose to be fulfilled strikes me with fear. Such is the love that God has for us, as He sees our full potential and will not let us rest until He sees our God-ordained destinies fulfilled. How many more times will my heart be broken? It is already badly scarred. When again will my spirit be weakened? However, in spite of it all, I know I will always manage to come out of it stronger than before, and closer to fulfilling God's kingdom purposes. This much I know is true: that I need to come to a point in life where I say to God, "having You, knowing You, experiencing Your love, is enough. You are enough for me." I have to make it right with Him first. I feel like Much-Afraid when she's wandering with her travelling mates 'Sorrow' and 'Suffering' on that great, desolate Sea of Loneliness, often being attacked and ridiculed by her relatives Resentment, Bitterness and Self-Pity. The Shepard chose Sorrow and Suffering as her companions because Love and Pain go hand-in-hand. To love is to feel pain, coupled with great sorrow and suffering. When one is wandering along the Sea of Loneliness, one would often question the Lord what is the purpose of it all? Why deny the one desire that He hasn't fulfill? That's where resentment, bitterness and self-pity will make us vulnerable. I've read somewhere once that we have no power to change the circumstances that befall us, but our response to the circumstances can change us. (Or maybe I didn't read it. I think Mel may have been the one who told me that. Don't really remember.) We can blame God and be bitter, or we can look beyond the sorrow that clamps our hearts and believe that it is for a greater purpose, a higher calling. All sorrow that touches men will first go through the heart of God. I don't know how am I suppose to make it right with God first, but my deep down in my very core being I know that to live without Him is to cease to exist. I want to be able to love and trust Him completely. And this whole drama experience has taught me a little of that. I've also learnt and experienced for myself the wonderful phrases "He heals the broken-hearted, binding up their wounds"; "My thoughts are higher than your thoughts, and my ways are higher than your ways"; "God has ordained your steps, so why worry along the way?". The Scriptures are better appreciated when one can associate real-life experiences with it. Knowledge is but useless when one does not have wisdom, and experiences grant wisdom.I'm on holiday now. I'm planning to pack my days to the max, and make sure that I always have something to do. Usually, my hols are even crazier than my uni days. I love it that way. So if anyone has any plans (except for doing crazy stunts like visiting strip bars), I'm IN!My Beloved is the chiefestOf ten thousand anywhereHe is altogether lovelyHe is altogether fairMy Beloved is so gentleAnd is strong beyond compareLabels: comings and goings, heart soul mind, musings, wellington
