The dates for exams are confirmed. I'll be sitting for Malaysian Studies on the 21st of November and Moral Studies on the 22nd. As the scheduled dates for the exams clashed with the all-important-and-obligatory JPA camp, the Head of Department has brought forward the exams by one week for all the government scholars. I'm already into the 3rd chapter of the Malaysian Studies textbook and I'm not really sure what I'm reading. This is because the subject itself is unbearably boring, (I've been hearing the name 'Parameswara' since I was in Primary 4. Give me a break, will ya?), and also because some of what is written in the book are either things that I've never heard before or things that clashed with everything that I've learned before. So, I don't know what is right and what is wrong now. When answering the questions in the exam later, do I write what's written in the textbook or what I think is right? Authors writing history please take note: history are based on facts and not opinions. Don't confuse me. I'm already blur enough. I haven't started on Moral Studies yet, but dear Mr. Warren has made things so much easier by posting all the info in easy to read form on the Internet. Ahh...=)
On Wednesday night, Planet Shakers was in Malaysia. I went to the worship concert in Sunway Pyramid with Nai Chen. Actually I only got to know about the concert when Nai Chen told me on Wednesday itself. He was sitting behind me in the bus. When I was about to leave, he suddenly said:" Hey, I'm going for the Planet Shakers concert later. Wanna come?" With my eyes enlarged, I replied:" THE Planet Shakers?? They're here??" "Yeap, the original band!" So phone numbers were exchanged in a haste and after class, we took the bus to Sunway Pyramid. The concert itself was a BLAST, but I think the target groups was secondary school kids. Most of the teens there are really small and bubbly and half my size. Gosh they made me feel old. The speaker was a black guy from America and he's in Malaysia for the very first time. His name is Reggie. Reggie said a lot of things. Most of them were funny. A lot of his words were touching and heart-rendering. He can really connect with the whole.. erm.. congregation? (wrong word.) He speaks to 1.5 million teens a year so its not a wonder. The most memorable thing he said was this:"Man, there are no ugly people in Malaysia. Really!! I don't see anybody that's ugly here!!!" Ain't that true...:D
After the concert, Nai Chen's brother was kind enough to give me a lift back to the hostel. At 12am, Nai Chen, Kevin, Kevin's girlfriend (I forgot to ask for her name) and I went out for supper. Nai Chen and I were talking about our faith, exchanging experiences and thoughts and also our challenges, hopes and dreams.
Nai Chen: Have you read the book 'The Purpose Driven Life'?
Me: By Rick Warren. I have it at home but I haven't read it yet. You read it?
Nai Chen: Erm.. halfway through lah.
Me: Hahahaha...Well somebody told me the gist of it anyway. The purpose of our lives is to worship God, serve God.. bla bla bla.. right?
Nai Chen: Well, I didn't finish reading it, but I remember one part of the book particularly well.
Me: Oh?
Nai Chen: It goes like this: People who are living this life are driven by something. Some are driven by wealth. Some by fame. Some by successes. Some are driven by their businesses....What drives you?
Me: *Speechless and suddenly plunged into deep thought*
This is my answer:
I don't know.
I know the 'proper' or 'correct' answer is God, but I cannot give that answer whole heartedly. Stop for a while and think for yourself. If you're a student, why are you forcing and encouraging yourself day after day to continue studying and passing up assignments and excelling in exams? So that you can get a degree/masters/PhD? After you got all that, then what? Then you'll go and search for employment and opportunities to be successful. After you got all those, then what else is there? Then maybe you'll go into real estate and investments or the stock market to make your money grow so that you can provide for your parents, your kids, your kin, your charity... and then what else is there? If you're working, why are you going through the daily cycle of getting up, going to work, slaving yourself for some big shot, go home, get dinner, go to bed.. day after day after day? For a pay cheque? For a promotion? For the 'big break' that will make life seem all better? If you're old and at the end of of your twilight, why are you pushing yourself to pop in those colourful pills and taking in those injections and going for medical checkups and eating all those different type of chinese medicinal herbs and God knows what else..? Is it because you're afraid to die? Is it because you still have unfinished businesses or dreams that haven't been achieved? Why are we doing what we are doing? Is it because of fear? Is it because of obligation? Is it for money?Is it because it is the right and noble thing to do? What is the purpose of it all?
Most of us probably heard of or associated with people who know exactly what they are driven by. We hear of business people who will go all out to secure those big deals to expand their monopoly and business empire so that they can earn more money because they know what drives them: money. History has shed light on leaders who will do everything and anything for power, fame, glory and deification, eg: Hitler, Mao Ze Dong, Stalin...and by doing so their own people had to bear costs, pain, humiliation, poverty and suffering that they do not deserve. These leaders also know what drives them: power, and their names will always be remembered by all generations of the earth, even though they are known as the 'bad guys'. Some are driven by a cause that they are passionate about. Charles Bertling left his home in the States and went to Thailand with little money, no contacts and no knowledge of the local language because he is driven by what he claimes to be his purpose in life: the poor, needy, sick and unwanted children of Thailand. He knows for sure that this is what God wants him to do. Mother Theresa was willing to endure the worst possible living conditions in Calcutta to serve the poorest of the poor because she knew that is her purpose in life and God's will for her. And that kept her going until the day she died. There are many people out there who know what is driving them. The force driving them may be more noble and holier-than-thou, or it may be worse than Lucifer himself.
But at least they know. I don't know what's driving me.
I've always been one who sailed through life in an easy-going and laidback manner. I know my life is not perfect and there are a hell lot of bumps and roadblocks along the way. Tears were shed and my heart was broken and tore into pieces. However I've always managed to accept my life as it is. Bumps can be overcome. Roadblocks can be crossed. Tears can be swept away. My heart has already been mended although the scars will never go away. But I still don't know what's my purpose in life. I know the general answer: Worshipping God, becoming a faithful disciple, serving in ministry, evangelism, fulfilling the will of God.... but why am I here precisely? Why was I born human and not a cat? Why am I here? What am I suppose to do? What is God's will for me? I don't want to live my life not knowing what I'm meant to do, what I'm capable of doing and what I'm able to achieve. Life is too precious for the answer 'I don't know', but I know I'll know the answer eventually.
Sidetrack..
My grandmother is sick. Few years back the doctors said she had an enlarged heart with irregular heart rhythm. She suffered, but eventually she became okay. In fact, she was getting so healthy that she was travelling all around Sabah to see her sons/daughters/grandchildren/great-grandchildren. But she's sick again.
Normally she always tell my mother that if we're a little short on the financial side, there is no need to go back to Sabah.
This time she is asking us to go back. She asked about me. She wants to see me.
I don't know much about my grandmother. I was never really close to her, but I know she loves me and thinks of me often. I don't even know her birthday. I only know her full name:Immeliana Buagang. Nice eh?
I need to go back to Sabah, the Land below the Wind, the place of my birth, my second home.
