The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and for deeds left undone ~Harriet Beecher Stowe~
Normally we don't like to think about death. We would rather think about life. Why reflect on death? When you start preparing for death you soon realize that you must look into your life...now...and come to face the truth of yourself. Death is like a mirror in which the true meaning of life is reflected. ~Sogyal Rinpoche~
Death is nothing else but going home to God, the bond of love will be unbroken for all eternity ~Mother Theresa~
My eyes awoken after a night of disturbed sleep. I sat up on my bed and look around me. Everything remains the same. Nothing has changed. The sun still rises in the east and sets in the west. The flowers are still growing and ever beautiful. The cats are still fat and lazy. Nothing around me is different. Life still goes on. And yet, nothing is really the same either. Everything remained identical, even though somebody is already gone.
I still find myself expecting my friends to talk about her antics and behaviour. I still imagine seeing her face in some teenage magazine in the near future. I am still expecting to see her rock the world of mass communication in the next few years. But that's all I can do now: expect and imagine, because she's gone.
When her classmates held a tribute to her, their tears and somber faces caused me to feel emotions of pity, regret and helplessness. I pity her family, especially her parents, who are forced to bury their own child. No parent should ever be put through that torture. It's not normal. I pity her friends who never even had the chance to say goodbye. I pity them because they will never hear her bubbly voice in class, or see her debates against the lecturers again. I regret having heard of her often, and yet never seizing the chance to get to know her personally, even though I had ample opportunities. Now, it is no longer possible. I feel helpless, because I don't know when is my turn. I will die sooner or later, but till then, how will my life be? Will people shed tears in my memorial, or will they curse me left, right and center? Will people bring flowers, or will they spit on my tombstone? How will people remember me? What is my legacy? If I walk out the door today and get hit by a car and die on the spot, will people feel sorry for my passing away? I can't avoid death. That is a fact that will never change, but I can change myself so that I will live life to the fullest.
I have done things that I regret, and if its possible, I want to go back to my past to change it. I am willing to give up almost anything to turn back time to undo my mistakes, so that I won't have to go through life with feelings of regret, but that is impossible. I carry that burden each and every day, wishing that I hadn't done all the bad things that I've done. I know I'm a sinner, and forever bound to make mistakes. Although I have learnt my lesson, I wished there was something that I can do, but I can't do anything now. I have to learn to forgive myself, and seek absolution and ultimate redemption from God, or else, I will never be truly free. There was one point in my life where God's grace striked me so hard, that my eyes were opened wide, and I saw myself. I saw my true nature, how I really am: ugly, worthless, and possibly the worst sinner in the world. I am forgiven not by my actions, but by grace and love everlasting. And from that point onwards, I promised myself that before death takes me, I will repent my ways so that I will have no regrets. Preparing for death has forced me to look at my own life, and made me determined to change what I can. I am but one small force in this world, but if I can effect some sort of positive change in people's lives, no matter how insignificant it may be, this life is worth living and I know I won't have anything to regret or be sorry for when I breathe my last breath. I don't want to leave anything unsaid or undone. So powerful is the impact of someone's death, that I can't help but be thankful for the lesson that has been taught to me, and for the chance to live another day.
To be able to wake up, live the day, and see the faces of the people that I love, is already a miracle.
I am sorry if I've caused hurt and pain, and as I pray to God for forgiveness of my sins, I pray that I may be able to receive absolution from those that I've wronged, so that I can have peace among men.
For those that I love, there is not a day that goes by when I don't thank God for you, and for your willingness to accept me into your hearts. Your presence in my life has made all the difference, and I thank God for all of you.
Those are the things that I want you to know, just in case those bloody aedes mosquitoes caused me to suffer from hamoerrage, or if I get hit by a truck, or if I don't live through the day, or if the big sky falls on our heads.
I don't want to leave things undone and words unsaid.
Eunice Lee Cay Shing, may you rest in never-ending peace in the wings of God's love. Even in your death, you have taught me lessons that I will remember for life.
Datin Endon, the nation will forever be thankful for your courage, perseverance, and for your contributions to the causes that you believed in. You are an inspiration to all.
