My dearest friend,
It matters not whether you will be able to read this, and perhaps its even for the best, but this, every word, is from my heart.
I would like to say to you now what people should have said to you when you were a mere boy at the tender age of 12 to 18: You are awesome, and you have God's touch on your life. You have sacrificed much in the name of faith, and with your whole heart you have poured out your life for the body of Christ. You are God's great and mighty tool, used by Him to propel His Kingdom. God loves you. He sees your struggles and have counted your tears. All that you are doing now will not be in vain.
I just wished someone have told you that a long, long time ago. Then perhaps you will never know the pain of being used and abused, or the suffering that comes with non-appreciation, and the hurt that comes with loneliness, of doing things without support. Perhaps, but we will never know.
I dare not say that I understand because I don't, and I never will. Our experiences are different, and sad to say that God has not given me the privilege of being able to sympathize and cry with you. To say the words "I understand" would be the greatest lie of all, and it would undermine the beauty and comfort those words bring. Taking words lightly is such a common thing in our generation, is it not? Words like "love" and "commitment" and "forever and always" are said with puff, not realizing the gravity of the echo that follow those words. "I understand" falls under this category. I will say it upfront: I do not understand.
But what I understand is that we both serve and love a God who is good and gracious with His mercy. We both believe in a God who created the world to be good, and created us to be in relationship with Him. He wants to be close to us, to bless us, and for us to bask in His glorious light, and to forever feel His peace. And I am, at times, disappointed and ashamed at the followers of this great and mighty God, and this includes myself. I am ashamed at myself too. This shame comes from our innate inability to portray Him in His true beauty. We preach that as Christians, our lives should model that of Christ. But all have failed because all have sinned. Thanks be to our Holy God for His everlasting grace! In our weaknesses, He was, is and will be made perfect. I am sad that the Christians in your life have used and abused you, but you need to know that God has engraved your name in the palm of His hand. But you do know that already, don't you?
Then all we can do now is to pray: this is our greatest weapon against the deadly enemy call "fear of the past". I pray that He will strengthen you and guide you, then He will cause you to cast the past into the deep, and to rise up to be a stronger, better man. I pray that His peace will be with you for the rest of days here on earth, and may you one day take up the mantle of leadership again, and continue to live your life as a living sacrifice for Him. May you find joy in being His servant, and may you have the happiness that comes from being part of a great community of God. May you always be encouraged. May you always be loved. But you are loved. You are my friend, and like in any genuine friendship, love exists.
Always remember that it is not in His nature to break a bruised reed or to snuff out a smoldering wick. His nature is to heal those who are broken-hearted, binding up their wounds. It is His nature to set the captives free from prison, even the prison of the past. You are God's great creation, and He will always love you.
And I write this to you now, with all love and sincerity. You will be in my prayers.
