And so she walks down the street, and to everyone else she's just another person who is alive, surviving. No one stopped to think that she has a past, a present, and hope for a future that she cannot yet see. She has family, friends, and experiences that are all too real. And its the same for herself. She sees all these other people, and once in a while she wonders how their lives are like.
You see she understands perfectly well the art of putting on a mask. She knows that no matter what happens life still goes on and time does not stop, although for countless times, she wished that it would, just so that she can scream and cry all she wants and no one will know, so that she can continue living only when she's ready. God knows when that will be. But this is how life is. It continues on and on. And with or without her existence nothing much will change in the big picture of things. She is just one more person, surviving, living in a cold, bitter world plagued with sin, sadness, suffering and tears; trying to find a bit of happiness in a world that is fallen.
She knows perfectly the bitterness that comes with being broken: broken past, broken relationships; broken families. And perhaps her struggles are not as immense as others, but she is sometimes fed up of comparing herself to others. Yes she is but dust, but the problems are real. The pain is real. Its a gut-ripping, soul-destroying pain.
The bitterness that comes with feelings of guilt.
She is confused. Were her reasons right? And even if they're weren't what else can she do? She made a choice and to stick by that choice is the right thing to do. Different people carry different burdens, and slapped on her wrists are chains that are different from anybody elses. No one wears her chains. They have their own.
The bitterness of compensation love.
Her mind knows the source of what she seeks, and yet she has tried to find it everywhere else but the source. Her greatest weakness is being too stupid to understand that loving people don't make them love you back; that this world has been broken since the fall, and relationships between people are broken; that it is too dangerous to put her heart out there and let it scar. What she seeks for is not in the arms of a man, or a friend, or a blood relation. Its in the God who created her, who sustained her, and who has blessed her but she, like Israel of old, is ungrateful.
She is the biggest fool I know.
They say she's strong.
Then why does she feel so weak and helpless against the tides?
So what else is there to do but to again disappear into the darkness of night, and let sorrow engulf her again until she heals?
If only He would come. Then she can be what she was meant to be: good. No more tears. No more pain. No more running away.
That's all she wants. To stop running. Stop fighting. Stop struggling
Oct 2006.
"Look Fran, it's raining. God is crying for you."
"Yeah, I'm crying for me too."
