I remember a sermon by Pastor Philip Stevenson from Perth. He was talking about fighting inner demons. He talked about inner demons being inter-generational in nature, and also about fighting them with God by our side. Like alcoholism. Gambling. Abuse. Temper. I'm thinking of that now because I was forced to come to terms with the demons of my own heart. It's difficult to let them go because they have been in my heart for so long, suppressed, like an old friend.
Most times I'm okay. It's not that obvious. Maybe because I'm surrounded by people, being in crowds, and amidst the clatter and noise and laughter, I can suppress it. I don't want to come to terms with it. But in the dark, no one sees the struggle really. Partly because I don't want to admit to myself that I'm struggling. So I go on with life like nothing ever happened. Then suddenly when it gets just too hard to bear, BOOM! It's all over my face. I couldn't hide it. And then when its all released, I put on a face again, and pretend like the demons don't exist.
So who or what exactly are these demons? Most of them are my past, and these are the worst sort of demons because they are in my heart. Most times my head knows what I should do. The head can see the good amongst the bad in the past, and knows that God has always been there, and knows that its time to come to terms with the past and slay the demons, but the heart seems reluctant to catch up with the head. I guess the heart needs to accept that the past cannot be changed, and certain dreams must be extinguished, in the light of hope for bigger and more beautiful dreams. This heart has borne quite a lot of brunts, but it can bear more still, and it can still be healed. I learned in Bible study that when Jesus died on the cross, it is not just humanity that is reconciled to God, but everything. Everything can and will be restored to what it was meant to be before the Fall. And so can this heart, despite of everything that has happened in the past. This heart needs to learn how to admit mistakes, forgive, let go, and come to terms with the demons. Not that the past is not beautiful. It is. But it is not when I pretend that it never existed, or try to erase it, just so that I don't have to come to terms with myself, just so that I don't have to feel the pain. It's good that God is using the bad in life to mold me to become a better person, like gold being put through fire, but it doesn't make the pain any less. And its okay to be in pain. But its not okay to not admit it; to try and put on a face and pretend.
But I'm okay now. I woke up this morning and prayed. And I feel a lot better now. I guess this is closure. This book has finally came to its epilogue.
Opening another book now...
