When looking through my notebook that is used for scribbling down verses, poems, quotes and what-not that I find interesting, memorable, touching or heart-rendering, I usually have my Bible beside me. In my Bible are pieces of junk paper that are full of scribbles as well. It is not my habit to take down notes in church, although I guess it is a habit that I should start cultivating. However, I love to write down words or quotes used by the preacher that I find significant.
When looking through my scribbles I found this written in my handwriting:
Dated: 5/3/2006
I want to see myself reflected in the face of somebody else.
I wrote it down because I know if I can find the reflection of myself embodied in someone else, be it my physical features, my thoughts or my soul, I am not alone. I wrote it down because like everyone else, I want to feel like I belong somewhere and to someone. I wrote it down because the sentence reflected me.
But what is a good reflection?
"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror..." 1 Corinthians 13:12
What do I see when I look at myself in the mirror? What do other people see when they look at me? What are the reflections that I have projected? What does God see when He looks at me? I was created in His image, but do I reflect Him?
Blinded are we by misconceptions and the whispers of others, that even the reflection in mirrors are blurred because of our perceptions. The mirror lies, because of the beholder of the reflection. The glass will only reflect what we do not want to see, but not what is truly innate. It expounds ugliness, but hides true beauty. When I was a teenager I looked at the mirror and saw only the size of my waist, the scars on my face and the far-too-dark tan of my skin. I still do. When I look at the mirror I saw what made me special, but because of my misconceptions and my deceitful eyes, I saw what I have as inadequate and insignificant compared to the achievements and beauty of others. When I look at myself in the mirror I saw what I yearn to become, but my fradulent eyes turned my head to look at the reflections of my shortcomings and meager talents, and I was downcast, because it felt like no matter what I do or what I offer, it will never be enough. I was blinded by the traumas of my past, reflected by the scars that still graze my heart. I was blinded by the standards of the world, reflected by my low self-esteem and the constant thought that I may have done things that are not right or unacceptable. I was blinded by the words of others and their thoughts, reflected by my efforts to try and please the people that I love and respect, in hopes that they will look at me and deem me worthy of their love and attention. I was blinded by my inadequacies, reflected by my rigorous struggle to be the best that I can be in everything that I do, and by doing so, setting standards for myself where the sky is the limit.
I was blind. And maybe I still am. But at least now, I know I am blind. So I can ask for sight.
And my eyes shall be opened by Him, whose undying love for me is reflected by 3 nails, a cross, the forgiveness of sin and the salvation of my soul.
"...then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully. Even as I am fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12
