DeLiCiOuS aMbIGuItY

26 April 2011

2011-05-03T10:49:00.000+08:00

Ich kann nicht mit und nicht ohne dich.

Vielleicht besser ohne dich.

It is not about me. It never was.

2011-03-21T18:17:00.001+08:00

It seems that when one picks up the newspaper or goes on the Internet to be updated with the happenings of the world in recent times, it is difficult not to be overwhelmed with the number of world-changing incidents. While sitting in a cafe in Wellington, I picked up the Dominion Post and read through the coverage on the Memorial Service for the recent Christchurch earthquake and the updates on the earthquake, tsunami and nuclear crises in Japan. Recently, my colleague sent through a link to the New York Times which showed ‘before-and-after’ satellite photos of Japan’s major cities Too much destruction. It was difficult to go through the pictures. Not to mention the thousands of lives lost and millions more affected by grief and death: the women who have lost the husbands of their youth, the men who have lost the love of their lives, the children who are now left without the comfort and love of their parents, of friends now gone and familiar faces no longer seen. Not forgetting the continuous crises that are happening in the Middle East, with the latest being the UN-sanctioned bombing of Libya by the United States,United Kingdom and France, with Italy offering its military bases, and Canada sending in more weaponry. These events are occurring alongside other issues that humanity as a whole are still struggling with it; specific issues such as the rule of the military junta in Myanmar, dictatorship and absence of human rights in North Korea, extreme poverty and AIDS in Africa, the American-Iraq war (which seems to be going on with no absolute end in sight), Israeli-Palestinian conflict etc, just to name a few. Other general issues that we are still struggling with for far too long include human rights, eco and social justice, poverty, domestic abuse, gangs, sex-trafficking and drug rings, and high crime rates in general. Everyday, someone is dying and in pain through no fault of their own.

It got me thinking seriously about the meaning of humanity, of existence, of life and of death. Cities that took hundreds and thousands of years to build are gone within minutes. Wealth that we spent years accumulating are destroyed with one stroke of nature’s hand. All things on earth are temporal – this phrase echoes true. There is nothing that we amass here which will last forever, and there is nothing here that we can take once we leave. And death is definitely certain for all. These issues once again reminded me of the reality of this world – while in many facets, the world carries so much beauty, elegance, logic and culture, it is also a place filled with suffering, decay, tears and lost. The above events mentioned depict grief that are very obvious, but there are also sufferings that are hidden – hidden within people who seemed to have it all and who are able to achieve anything; people who go about their day-to-day lives with masks on their faces but behind the facades, pain is always there. In thinking about these things, I used to wonder about the meaning of it all – if all things are temporal and the world is in so much pain, then what is the meaning of life? What is the reason for my existence? However, I realised that the most important question is not about me, but this: What can I do to bring change? And it is in asking this question, that I can shed some light, at least for myself, on the meaning of life and of existence. It is not about me. It never was.

I cannot deny the faith tradition from which I would continue to write on from here. For various and genuine reasons, one may agree or disagree – we live in a pluralistic world and freedom of thought and belief must be upheld in the highest manner. In explaining my worldview, I often like to quote C.S.Lewis, who famously wrote: “I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen; not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” In light of the events that are unfolding in the world, I am reminded of one simple statement:”Greater is he who is in you than he who is in the world”, which, at many times, have given me the confidence to know that my existence matters, my life matters, and with God’s over-arching control, nothing is impossible and too difficult to achieve. Privately and individually, one can only do so much, thus, the importance of the movement of the global Church. The Scriptures prophecy about the new creation that is to come, the renewal of all things, of joy without sadness, of life without death, of the reign of God and the banishment of sin, and the union of new heaven and new earth. But again, the main question is not about the end – I know the end (or at least, I try to believe it. Sometimes I am Doubting Thomas!). The main question is about my participation in contributing towards this end. How do I participate in bringing about this new order? Again, this is not about me. It never was.

In reading about the life of Jesus throughout the Scripture, I am continuously amazed on how ‘action-focused’ he was. Alongside teaching and His proclamation of God, both His hands are continuously working within communities who are broken-hearted, poor and suffering. He spent most his time with men who are considered to be drunkards and unclean by puritanical Pharisees – tax collectors, Gentiles, people with infirmities etc. Most of His closest followers were women, who did not have any rights or legal standing in a heavily patriarchal society. He translated the spirit of the Old Testament Law so perfectly in His teachings, actions and words, with total disregard for and nonchalance towards legalism. Above all, He was working continuously within the reality of this world, with full awareness and participation of its brokenness – never aloof, never above-it-all, and other than times for prayer, never separated from people. And after this, I read of his followers who with their own brokenness, insecurities and imperfection tried their best to follow their God – a God who considered the world important enough to warrant the biggest sacrifice for its redemption. The God that I seek to follow and obey is the God who participates in the world and who has borne the struggles, pains and temptations of humanity.

In light of this, what, then, should be a Christian’s response? If one publicly declares him or herself as someone who abides by this tradition of faith, as someone who follows this man call Jesus, then what are our responses and actions towards the situation of the day? Do we stand by the side-lines and watch the world wither away while we wait for Armageddon, or do we participate in the renewing of the world that is sure to come? It is common within Christian communities to think of God as some sort of Santa Claus, that with the right formulas, with the right actions and the right amount of prayer, life will be all good and sweet – that there will be wealth, joy and prosperity for ourselves and our families. How does this image of God reconcile with the apostles and followers who, till this day in certain countries, are persecuted, hunted, punished and killed for believing in and serving Jesus? How does the image of the Santa Claus God reconcile with the many who have contributed and sacrifice time, money, resources and talent, forsaking the glamour of big cities and prestigious careers to work towards giving hope and opportunities to those who are abandoned, forsaken, poor and dehumanised? And yet in poverty, these people found wealth; in danger, they found security; and in death, they found the true meaning for living. In fact, how can any church even preach of such a God when suffering exists as far as the eye can see? It is a blatant mixture of the unholy Trinity – the I, Me and Myself – with God. Something is wrong. Terribly wrong. Furthermore, how can we preach of a God who loves and provides, and yet withhold and hoard what we have to satisfy luxuries and excessive pleasures? How can we separate ourselves from the world in the name of purity and holiness when Jesus himself mingled with lepers, the most unclean within the then-Jewish society?

I do not pretend that I am free of such guilty actions – of course I am guilty. I live a comfortable life, I have a good job and I have money. And all who know me knows how much I love things that are beautiful and excessive. But every time I read of Jesus and think of His life, I am convinced that it is not about me. It never was. I do not doubt his blessings towards me – his love, providence, grace and mercy – but I have these things so that I can translate them into actions that would serve others. Again, I do not propose that I know how to do them right, but I am convinced that despite my weaknesses, I should try. But it is difficult to try because this runs counter towards the norm. Let’s take education as an example. It is very common, particularly in Asia, to have a very set route towards education. We must excel academically so that we can go to university. When we’re in university, we must excel so that we can find a good job. And once we have found a good job, we can then buy the big house, the big car and have the big bank account – and then life will be amazing. I would very much like to walk into a lecture hall in a university and to address the students by first informing them that the very fact that they are sitting in that lecture hall, meant that they are the minority 5-10% of the world who would get to see the insides of a higher education institution. There are people who are still fighting and dying for the joy and the pleasure to read and write. I would like to tell them how much of a privilege it is to be a university student and to have the opportunity to learn, to question, to ask and to debate. That such an opportunity is given to them meant that they have so much more opportunities in the world for influence and for change – the future leaders of the world. Imagine how much change can happen, if everyone within that lecture hall would decide to live their lives beyond the confines of their pleasure, but to consider themselves as a participator in the world; to believe that if they extend their hands towards others, change for the better can, and will, happen. If not in their lifetime, then in the next generations that are still to come.

I don’t think change – or at least, permanent change – happens with a few men or women doing extraordinary things, albeit they are some in our human history, who are such wonderful beings. But I think great change can happen when normal people – people with weaknesses – decide to think beyond themselves, and practice that in small acts everyday. It is the single mother who is working 3 jobs so that her kids can have a better life after she is gone. It is the husband who decides to go home to the wife of his youth, rather than cheating on her with his secretary. It is the employer who decides to create a good working environment for his /. her employees, and to think of people as more than an expense line. It is the mother who continuously gives strength to her son; it is the father who always cherishes her daughter (there are places where this does not happen very often), It is the pastors and missionaries who, with one hand preach of Jesus and salvation, and with the other, try their very best to provide food, shelter, education and medicine to those who need them the most within communities. One can never know how actions, both big and little, can change lives. I truly believe in the ripple effect of actions and omissions. The one truth that I try to have in my mind is this: there will never be another you that is like you, in the past, in the present, or in the future. You are uniquely you. Having this in mind helps me keep away from thinking of people as huge masses – that person is someone’s brother, someone’s sister, someone’s lover, someone’s son, someone’s daughter, someone’s friend, someone’s husband, someone’s wife.

I am still discovering for myself the answer to the question posed previously: “What can I do to bring change?”. And I think that this question should be considered by all despite of worldviews and beliefs. Because we are connected to one other, impacting each other, and living in this world together. The average human lifespan is but 70 to 80 years. I would like my existence to count for more than the wealth that I have amassed or the career that I have achieved. Because wealth and career can be destroyed within minutes. It is by following Jesus and loving people that eternal treasures are stored up in heaven.

I came across this story recently:”In AD 1000, 186 years after the death of Emperor Charlemagne, officials reopened the great king’s tomb and encountered an amazing sight. In the midst of all the finery buried with him – the gold, the jewels, the priceless treasure – was the skeleton of King Charlemagne, still seated on his throne and with the crown still on his head. On his lap there lay an open Bible and one bony finger rested on these words: “What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?” (Mark 8:36)

mein schatzi

2011-02-15T18:03:00.002+08:00

I have tried to record the events in as much detail as I can, attempting to somehow capture what time cannot retain. The present turns into the past far too quickly, with the future slamming at breakneck speed.

I do not want to forget, and all that I can remember, I carry the times like water in cupped hands, with bits and pieces flowing away and slipping from my fingers.

Denn reich zu thranen pfiegt das Aug der Liebe.

Living a counter-culture life

2011-01-10T18:12:00.001+08:00

"And Adam knew Eve, his wife.."

The biggest con

2011-01-05T17:40:00.002+08:00

I first heard this song when it was released a few years ago. I rarely listen to Kiwi music, but I love this band. Makes me feel nostalgic to listen to it now. The first line always tugs at my heart:

"Absence makes her heart grow fonder, when I'm conquering the last frontier".

Opshop - One day

The Lion

2010-12-30T23:25:00.001+08:00

Author’s note; Some people seem to think that I began by asking myself how I could say something about Christianity to children, then fixed on the fairy tale as an instrument, then collected information about child psychology and decided what age group I’d write for, then drew up a list of basic Christian truths and hammered out allegories to embody them. This is all pure moonshine. I couldn’t write in that way. It all began with images: a faun carrying an umbrella, a queen on a sledge, a magnificent lion. At first there wasn’t anything Christian about them; that element pushed itself in of its own accord.

I thought I saw how stories of this kind could steal past a certain inhibition which had paralysed much of my own religion in childhood. Why did one find it so hard to feel as one was told one ought to feel about God or about the sufferings of Christ? I thought the chief reason was that one was told one ought to. An obligation can freeze feelings. And reverence itself did harm. The whole subject was associated with lowered voices, almost as if were something medical. But supposing that by casting all these things into an imaginary world, stripping them of their stained-glass and Sunday school associations, one could make them for the first time appear in their real potency? Could one not thus steal past those watchful dragons? I thought one could.

Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight. At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more. When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death. And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again!

“Safe?”, said Mr. Beaver, […]“Who said anything about safe'? Of course he isn’t safe. But he is good. He’s the King, I tell you!”

“But what does it all mean?” asked Susan when they were somewhat calmer. “It means,” said Aslan, “that though the Witch knew the Deep Magic, there is a magic deeper still which she did not know. Her knowledge goes back only to the dawn of Time. But if she could have looked a little further back, she would have read there a different incantation. She would have known that when a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor’s stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backwards.

“You come from the Lord Adam and the Lady Eve”, said Aslan. “And that is both honour enough to erect the head of the poorest beggar, and shame enough to bow the shoulders of the greatest emperor on earth. Be content”.

“But who is Aslan? Do you know him?” “Well, he knows me”, replied Edmund.

Aslan whispered to Lucy: “Courage, dear heart!”

“Oh Aslan,” said Lucy. “Will you tell us how to get into your country from our world?” “I shall be telling you all the time,” said Aslan. “But I will not tell you how long or short the way will be; only that it lies across a river. But do not fear that, for I am the great Bridge Builder.”

‘It isn’t Narnia, you know,” sobbed Lucy. “It’s you. We shan’t meet you there. And how can we live, never meeting you?” “But you shall meet me, dear one,” said Aslan. “Are – are you there too, Sir"?” said Edmund. “I am,” said Aslan. “But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there.”

“You would not have called to me unless I have been calling to you,” said the Lion.

Nothing now remains for us seven but to go back to Stable Hill, proclaim the truth, and take the adventure that Aslan sends us.

Perhaps you will get some idea of it if you think like this. You may have been in a room in which there was a window that looked out on a lovely bay of the sea or a green valley that wound away among the mountains. And in the wall of that room opposite to the glass there may have been a looking glass. And the sea in the mirror, or the valley in the mirror, were in one sense just the same as the real ones; yet at the same time they were somehow different – deeper, more wonderful, more like places in a story; in a story you have never head but very much want to know. The difference between the old Narnia and the new Narnia was like that. The new one was a deeper country: every rock and flower and blade of grass looked like it meant more. I can’t describe it any better than that; if you ever get there you will know what I mean. It was the unicorn who summed up what everyone was feeling. He stamped his right fore-hoof on the ground and neighed, and then cried: “I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it until now. The reason why we loved the old Narnia so much is because it looked a little like this.”

the greatest pain

2010-12-23T22:10:00.003+08:00

"She thought of the thwarted desire of her life, which was to be loved, and sadness mingled with the speechless anger to press her throat in a grief that was a version - old Louvet would no doubt have contended - of the same and only emotion: abandonment. She leaned against the wall of the hotel, feeling the damp, grizzled stone against her cheek. The trapped air seethed in her lungs until at last it found expression in a cry that almost bent her in half"

- The Girl at the Lion D'or; Sebastian Faulks.

Heard the song below recently, and this excerpt came to mind.

Almost Lover

I deserve better

2010-12-10T18:02:00.001+08:00

Much better,

vergessen

2010-11-06T15:51:00.003+08:00

"I've come back for you, to remind you of something. Something you once knew.."

When we were young and still in the little cocoon that we (and perhaps others) have created for ourselves, limitations, at least from what my memories have recorded, are few are far between. Limitations not in terms of physical or geographical terms, and not even in societal and cultural norms, but in the mind and the heart. When we were young, we not only had the ability to dream, but also the courage to believe that dreams can, will and do come true. In the narrative of discovering who we are and what we're capable of, we also dream of who we can be and what we can achieve.

And then we grew up, and the world gave us all rude and shock awakenings. Then dreams that we had when we were young slowly died, slowly discarded as fanciful wishings and useless ambitions. Young dreams were replaced by the desire for money, ambition and lifestyles that have been agreed upon as good and great. Now if these things were actually what one has dreamt of since young, then perhaps the conversation then ends here. Congratulations. You've fulfilled the purposes of your life. While the world has set a certain pattern of what should be considered "the good life" - properties, money, careers etc - for many others these were not the dreams of their once-young hearts. Some perhaps have dreamt of helping others in need - peacecorps, social workers, teachers for disabled children, health care workers for the elderly etc - but discarded them (or were told to do so) because these ambitions did not fulfill the world's picture of "the good life". Some perhaps have always dreamt of travel, experiencing cultures and languages and expanding their views of the world, but found themselves having to delay, and in the end destroy their dreams because of the lack of money, the need to hold down an under-paid, overtime, stressful career, just so that the bills can be paid. Whatever that other life or other path could have been (or rather should have been?) was thrown out because the world tells us - "that is not what you should be doing".

And slowly we forget who we really are, and bit by bit, be replaced by someone who for all intents and purpose may be us - he/she look, talk, act, smile, laugh, love, cry etc the way we do - but that is not us; at least, not the persons who we wanted to be in the first place.

The challenge is to never forget the dreams of when we were young; to remind ourselves how we once were, and to remember, in the words of Walt Disney, "If you can dream it, you can do it."

I used to believe that I can do anything that I wanted to, as long as I try my best and put my mind into it. I used to know what I want to do with my life; I still do. It's not this. I'm not sure whether I believe what I used to believe anymore.

We were meant to live for so much more. Have we lost ourselves?

someday

2010-08-30T08:21:00.000+08:00

www.postsecret.com

dietrich bonhoeffer

2010-08-17T17:32:00.005+08:00

Its funny how life works. Four years ago, I came across Dietrich Bonhoeffer because of a quote that I read online - it was an excerpt about separation and loss - and at that time, that quote gave me some sense of identification with my then suffering, and also some comfort. Of course, back then, I didn't know much about this man - who he was or what he did. Some time later, when I was still a young university student (it must have been my second year, I think), I saw a book authored by him in Ramsey library, and I stopped and glanced at it for a while. "This was the guy who wrote that quote!" was my first thought.

4 years later, in a bookshop in Christchurch (somehow I always have amazing revelations in Christchurch. Maybe Ps. B was right - Christchurch is the promise land!), I came across Eric Metaxas' biography of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and for some reason, I thought the biography important enough to buy - and that if I buy nothing else from Christchurch, I must have that book. I read the book, and I think I finally understood, at least a little more than before, the radicalism of Christianity - it demands totality, loyalty and unswerving dedication & love, even at the face of ugly evil and certain death, and death is certain for all. This led me to want to read some of his other books. So I borrowed "Letters & Papers from Prison" from the Wellington City Library. And there, 4 years later, I came across the same quote, but this time, understanding the context from which it was written, and knowing the man behind the quote a little bit better than before.

He wrote the said quote when he was in Tegel Prison, charged and later executed for his involvement with the Abwehr (German Military Intelligence), led by Wihelm Canaris, who used this legitimate face as a means to send out Nazi-party information to British intelligence. He was roped into this by his friend and brother-in-law, Hans von Dohnanyi. Bonhoeffer was also involved in Operation Valkyrie - this operation was an close-but-unsuccessful attempt to assassinate Hitler. Looking at the legacy that he and his band of brothers left behind - I wonder at the price that they have paid to stand strong for Jesus - nothing was too much. And I found out today that Bonhoeffer's nephew (and son of Hans von Dohnanyi), Klaus von Dohnanyi, followed the footsteps of his unjustly-murdered father to become a lawyer, and eventually entered politics: he served as the mayor of Hamburg and work for the rehabilitation and restructuring of East Germany after the fall of the Berlin wall.

Bonhoeffer wrote the quote to his best friend, pastor and confidant, Eberhard Bethge. While Bonhoeffer was in prison, Bethge was in the front lines of war:

Nothing can make up for the absence of someone whom we love. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; He doesn't fill it, but on the contrary, He keeps it empty and so helps us to keep alive our former communion with each other, even at the cost of pain. The dearer and richer our memories, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude changes the pangs of memory into a tranquil joy. The beauties of the past are borne, not as a thorn in the flesh, but as a precious gift in themselves.

"The Cost of Discipleship" will be arriving in the mail, and I've already started reading "Ethics". The hope is to be able to read all of his works in German, which was his native tongue, so that nothing will get lost in translation.

The hope is to able to read the Bible that way too (in Hebrew, Aramaic and Greek).

The best advices that were given to me

2010-06-03T19:26:00.002+08:00

LEARN THE ART OF SILENCE

Words spoken cannot be taken back. So learn when and how to be silent - it may potentially save my career, my relationships and my family.

DEVELOP THE GIFT OF LISTENING

It's not always about me. And I'm not always right. Dialog involves someone listening. Mainstream is too much talking, but rarely listening. Live against the norm.

PRACTICE THE GIVING OF GRACE.

Because God gave me forgiveness when I did (do) not deserve it. In the same manner, I must learn how to be generous with grace, and extend it easily.

parachute

2010-05-29T19:21:00.002+08:00

For as long as I remember, my decision-making process has always been fairly mechanical - always going through the process of weighing up pros and cons, and judging plans according to experience and past history. Most of the time I believe that logical decision-making should govern the workings of the body and the heart - eat three meals a day (or 5 small meals) because of health; drink at least 2 litres of water, try not to eat too much dessert, excel academically, get a socially good and acceptable job etc etc.

But the best decisions that I've made - I didn't make them because I went through the mechanical thought-process. While I've always subjected decisions - major or minor - to such a process, the best decisions I've made were done because they felt right, and I felt at peace.

On the other hand, I've never had to make major decisions that are particularly risky. For the most part, I've followed the trend, abide by societal customs, and thought that they were okay.

But as someone said, I'm turning out to be an "anomaly" in the paradigm that I am part of. Most people go with the system because "that is just how it is", but now I'm starting to question whether I should abide by the system and just go with it, or whether I should do what my heart wants again - but in doing so, taking a very big risk that would change the rest of my life.

There is a fringe science theory called "multiple universe theory" - that parallel with our universe are infinite number of other universes that co-exist with ours. In those other universes exist versions of us that have made decisions differently; the "us" who did "Plan B" instead of "Plan A"; the "us" who married "Human X" instead of "Human Y". There are moments when I wish such a theory is true, just so that I do not have to take the risk that comes with sacrificing opportunity costs and the "what could have been". But more likely than not, that is not how the universe works. When I decide on Plan A, there will not be an opportunity to have regrets, reverse time, and go and do Plan B. In this sense, I either have to just do it or be happy about not doing it, or do something else.

But in all these confusions that I have in my soul, I do tend to forget that God is the center and master of the universe. He is Lord of all. He is the over-arching meta-narrative which I hold to be just, true and righteous. Many decisions are not coloured by morality, and hence, difficult to decide whether they are right or wrong. And while the mechanical thought-process often help, sometimes they are not in alignment with the heart or soul. This is when God is needed the most - the assurance and reassurance that He is the Creator and Author of my life and my faith. He gives me the assurance that coincidental incidents do not happen, and accidents in life may have greater meanings that I cannot see. He has set my heart to be in alignment with His kingdom purposes, and this has happened over the course of many years. What I once thought was important and normal - I do not think so anymore. What I once thought was necessary - I count it as loss. In the here and now, I need to make decisions that would change my life, and possibly the lives of many others in the future.

But as another friend said: "you'll never know until you actually do it". I'm afraid, though. I guess everybody is afraid of insecurity and massive, dynamic changes. So in summary I guess I don't know what I should do.

On the other hand, my heart knows what it wants already. It's a matter of whether I'm willing to jump off the plane and just take the risk, and hope that the parachute works.

that has always been enough

2010-04-17T13:15:00.002+08:00

Now if you've haven't heard about Jenny Sun, please check out her photography work in this site: http://jennysunphotography.blogspot.com. She has captured what I feel to be some of the most amazing snippets of what love can be, and the hopes and dreams that marriage can fulfill. Her latest entry was particularly thoughtful and mesmerizing to the heart:

Inspirations: Love is...

But I have loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, that has always been enough.

more than enough

2010-03-06T06:59:00.002+08:00

Quoted from Philip Yancey's "Prayer - Does it make a difference?"

"One Saturday afternoon I stood in the back of the church and looked up at the cross and it dawned on me that if Jesus died for me then he must love me. My life began to change at ten years old when I found God and he found me.

Now my continuing struggle is that I am single and I don't really want to be. Singleness is an awkward thing to talk about, especially in a culture like the church that's always promoting family and marriage. 'What's wrong with her?' peope think. 'Is she gay? Is she too picky? Maybe she's afraid of commitment. Oh, the poor thing'.

The song "Enough" by Chris Tomlin is cast as a prayer: 'All of you is more than enough for all of me. You satisfy every thirst and every need. Jesus, you are more than enough'. The Scriptures agree, promising that Christ fills everything in every way: 'My God will supply all your needs, according to his riches in Christ Jesus.' God and I have an on-going argument about those passages. After all, if you're not married, you have to find someone to fight with!

The fight goes like this: 'God, if you are really more than enough, then why don't you just take care of my problem?' God doesn't answer, and the fight goes on. 'Okay, if you're really enough, then why is it harder today than it was twelve months ago to be single? Why does it get harder and not easier?' And God still doesn't answer, and the fight goes on and on.

The truth is, 49 percent of the time God isn't enough. It hurts. It is hard to drive home alone all the time. But 51 percent of the time God is enough. Especially when I rely on others in the body of Christ - and the loving families who have 'adopted' me - to fill that emptiness deep inside me. Meanwhile, we keep fighting, God and I."

work

2010-02-19T20:00:00.002+08:00

Today was my fifth day as a member of the workforce, one of many brand new entrants that are earning their own keep and paying their own rent. While not my first day on the job, it might as well have been because the first four days were induction/training/continental breakfast/dinner allowances/flash hotels. But today, work at the office began. By this time next week I will be trying very, very hard to keep to budget/keep to timeline/not be stressed out/not freak out in front of clients/not screw up too badly.

Most of the time I have mixed feelings. I am glad for the opportunity; I know its a golden one especially in these times. I am glad for the employee that I am working for: first in its industry in terms of revenue - international and highly esteemed. I am also glad for the location that I am currently working at: Wellington, New Zealand - where work-life balance actually carries some sort of weight in comparison to hectic Asia. But after an internship and now starting a full-time job, I'm still not sure whether I'm right for this role, but I know I'm at the right place and exactly the right time. Maybe its intuition. Maybe its just plain faith. But I felt at peace being here at this place, in this current situation, in this exact phase of my life. Maybe that's how God works. He doesn't really give straight forward answers, but as we stumble and roll through life, He drops little hints into our hearts and thus, guiding us ever so gently to make right decisions.

I know that my life could have ended up very differently. For example, I could have ended up north in the great metropolitan of Auckland. But a nice lady at the education agency recommended Victoria University in Wellington. Or I could have ended up in a public university in Malaysia, but all praise be to God for an opportunity to head offshore. I could have ended up with different friends, which would then led to different choices, out of which come different experiences. But I came to Wellington knowing the existence of ICF and that was that. ICF was family. It still is. I've applied for jobs at 5 different firms but only one was willing to extend an opportunity to me. So everything conspired to bring me to this place. And thus, I can only thank God for the peace that I have, for the blessings that have been given, and to surrender my future into His hands.

Come Monday, it would be my 6th day at work. I hope I will progress as each day passes by. Not only in terms of work, but in everything, so that all of the seemingly secular spheres of my life will be gradually transform to be sacred and godly, dedicated to Him.

23

2009-11-28T15:45:00.004+08:00

Perpisahan Paulus dengan para penatua di Efesus:

"Kamu tahu, bagaimana aku hidup di antara kamu sejak hari pertama aku tiba di Asia ini: dengan segala rendah hati kau melayani Tuhan. Dalam pelayanan itu aku banyak mencucurkan air mata dan banyak mengalami percubaan dari pihak orang Yahudi yang mahu membunuh aku. Sungguhpun demikian aku tidak pernah melalaikan apa yang berguna bagi kamu. Semua kuberitakan dan kuajarkan kepada kamu, baik di muka umum mahupun dalam perkumpulan-perkumpulan di rumah kamu; aku senantiasa bersaksi kepada orang-orang Yahudi dan orang-orang Yunani, supaya mereka bertaubat kepada Allah dan percaya kepada Tuhan kita, Yesus Kristus. Tetapi sekarang sebagai tawanan Roh aku pergi ke Yerusalem dan aku tidak tahu apa yang akan terjadi atas diriku di situ selain daripada yang dinyatakan Roh Kudus dari kota ke kota kepadaku, bahwa penjara dan sengsara menunggu aku. Tetapi aku tidak menghiraukan nyawaku sedikit pun, asal saja aku dapat mencapai garis akhir dan menyelesaikan pelayanan yang ditugaskan oleh Tuhan Yesus kepadaku untuk memberi kesaksian tentang Injil kasih kurnia Tuhan. Dan sekarang aku tahu, bahwa kamu tidak akan melihat mukaku lagi, kamu sekalian yang telah kukunjungi untuk memberitakan Kerajaan Allah. Sebab itu pada hari ini aku bersaksi kepadamu, bahwa aku bersih, tidak bersalah terhadap siapa pun yang akan binasa. Sebab aku tidak lalai memberitakn seluruh maksud Allah kepadamu."

Kisah Para Rasul, Fasal 20, Ayat 18-26.

Tahun lepas ini, saya semakin memahami apakah tujuan hidup manusia. Walaupun alam dan anak-anak manusia masih dibelenggu oleh kesusahan dan keperitan hidup, pengikut-pengikut Kristus tetap boleh memuji dan meninggikan nama Tuhan kerana kesedihan yang paling jahanam, iaitu perpisahan manusia dari Tuhan, telah dimusnahkah oleh kebesaran dan kasih sayang Juruselamat kita. Dosa akibat penyelewengan Adam dan Hawa telah ditanggung oleh Domba Tuhan, membolehkan kita memanggil Allah sebagai Bapa. Seperti yang diserukan oleh Yesaya: "Tetapi sesungguhnya, penyakit kitalah yang ditanggungnya, dan kesengsaraan kita yang dipikulnya, padahal kita mengira dia kena tulah, dipukul dan ditindas Allah. Tetapi dia tertikam oleh kerana pemberontakan kita, dia diremukkan oleh kerana kejahatan kita". Inilah Jalan Benar, kebenaran hidup manusia: iman yang mengaku keagungan dan ketuhanan Yesus Kristus, Juruselamat kita - tanpa dosa, tetapi dijadikan sebagai pengganti untuk dosa kita. Tujuan hidup penganut adalah untuk membawa Injil ini dan menyebarkannya ke seluruh dunia, dari puncak yang tertinggi sampai ke lembah yang terendah, tak mengira status sosial, kekayaan, taraf pengajian, kaum ataupun bangsa. Dan keseberan dan pembicaraan Tuhan mestilah dilakukan dengan semangat yang tabah, berani dan berkobar untuk Yesus. Berterima kasih lah kepada Roh Kudus yang memberi kita kekuatan sebegitu. Semoga hidup saya akan mencontohi hidup Paulus, yang tetap kuat dalam Firman Tuhan walaupun telah melalui pelbagai jenis percubaan dan penindasan. Para rasul yang diceritakan dalah Alkitab memahami maksud benar kehidupan dan kematian: "Barangsiapa mempertahankan nyawaya, ia akan kehilangan nyawaya, dan barangsiapa kehilangan nyawaya kerana Aku, ia akan memperolehnya".

feels like home

2009-11-09T18:08:00.002+08:00

I wrote this 06/02/07:

Perhaps this is where I'm meant to be: danger zone. But home will always be where I belong.

It's like the song:

"May be surrounded by a million people, I still feel all alone, just wanna go home"

But..where is home?

They say home is where the heart is.

It's like the song:

"Once you found your lover, you are homeward bound, love is all around"

Home is in the arms of the one who loves you

Today is 09/11/09. Here's another song:

Something in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's something in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you know how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm all right, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

Edwina Hayes

2009-11-07T20:02:00.000+08:00

She may be the face I can't forget
The trace of pleasure or regret
May be the treasure or the price I have to pay
She may be the song that summer sings
May be the chill that autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day

She may be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a heaven or a hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
The smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem inside her shell

She who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry
She may be the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
That I'll remember till the day I die

She may be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough and ready years
Me, I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I've got to be
The meaning of life is she.

rainer rilke

2009-10-18T18:24:00.004+08:00

Immer wieder, ob wir de Liebe Landschaft auch kenne und den kleinen Kirchhof mit seinen klagenden Namen und die furchtbar verschweigende Schlucht, in welcher die andern enden: immer wieder gehn wir zu zweien hinaus unter die alten Baume, lager nuns immer wieder Zwischen die Blumen, gegenuber dem Himmel.

Again and again, though we know the lie of love's land, and the poignant names in its little churchyard, and though we know that the others ended in a terrible, silent ravine: Again and again we go out together under the ancient trees, we lie down together, again and again, two by two - among the flowers, faces up to the sky.

Their actions and mine, and those of many women I had known in my life were variations on the one theme. The ravings about love, the going onto beds in locked rooms with men picked up in bars, the exposing of bodies, the marriage vows spoken against reason to cruel men, the days made bearable by tranquilizers, the kisses delivered with eyes tight shut. It is not a great distance from the poor madwoman in Hanwell Asylum babbling about being f***** by the gardener, to the old lady who sheds one tear, in her neat, nursing-home bed, at Madame Butterfly singing ecstatically on a distant radio about the fine day when Pinkerton will come back to her. Even when we seem to be gathered safe into the fold of marriage, we can be driven by a dream of fulfillment and completion that leads us - like sheep hunted over a cliff by a wild dog - into a terrible fall - My Dream of You, Nuala O'Faolain

2009-10-07T14:07:00.003+08:00

L'attesta lunga, Il mio sogno di te non finito

The wait is long, my dream of you has not ended
Someday my happy arms will hold you
And someday I'll know that moment divine -
When all the things you are - are mine.

From '500 days of summer': ".. but I like her. She's not like the girl of my dreams. But I like her. She's better than the girl of my dreams. Because she's real..."

wave goodbye

2009-08-04T17:02:00.004+08:00

May the road rise up to me you
May the wind ever be on your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
and the rain fall softly on your fields
And until we meet again,
may God hold you in the hollow of his hand

People come. People go. The trend of my life.

And if you never stop when you wave goodbye, you just might find if you give it time you will wave hello again.. you'll wave hello again... -Mayer-

It is they who stay behind that suffer - Longfellow -

from postsecret

2009-07-19T19:32:00.001+08:00

the long silence

2009-07-08T08:22:00.003+08:00

At the end of time, billions of people were scattered on a great plain before God's throne.

Most shrank back from the brilliant light before them. But some groups near the front talked heatedly - not with cringing shame, but with belligerence.

"Can God judge us? How can he know about suffering?" snapped a pert young brunette. She ripped open a sleeve to reveal a tattooed number from a Nazi concentration camp. "We endured terror...beatings...torture...death!"

In another group a Negro boy lowered his collar. "What about this?" he demanded, showing an ugly rope burn. "Lynched... for no crime but being black!"

In another crowd, a pregnant schoolgirl with sullen eyes. "Why should I suffer" she murmured. "It wasn't my fault."

Far out across the plain there were hundreds of such groups. Each had a complaint against God for the evil and suffering he permitted in his world. How lucky God was to live in heaven where all was sweetness and light, where there was no weeping or fear, no hunger or hatred. What did God know of all that man had been forced to endure in this world? For God leads a pretty sheltered life, they said.

So each of these groups sent forth their leader, chosen because he had suffered the most. A Jew, a Negro, a person from Hiroshima, a horribly deformed arthritic, a thalidomide child. In the centre of the plain they consulted with each other. At last they were ready to present their case. It was rather clever.

Before God could be qualified to be their judge, he must endure what they had endured. Their decision was that God should be sentenced to live on earth - as a man!

"Let him be born a Jew. Let the legitimacy of his birth be doubted. Give him a work so difficult that even his family will think him out of his mind when he tries to do it. Let him be betrayed by his closest friends. Let him face false charges, be tried by a prejudiced jury and convicted by a cowardly judge. Let him be tortured.

At the last, let him see what it means to be terribly alone. Then let him die. Let him die so that there can be no doubt that he died. Let there be a great host of witnesses to verify it."

As each leader announced his portion of the sentence, loud murmurs of approval went up from the throng of the people assembled.

And when the last had finished pronouncing sentence, there was a long silence. No one uttered another word. No one moved. For suddenly all knew that God had already served his sentence.

And He did so in the one called Christ, Jesus of Nazareth.

Edward Shillito - Jesus of the Scars
If we have never sought, we seek thee now;
Thine eyes burn through the dark, our only stars;
We must have sight of thorn-marks on thy brow;
We must have thee, O Jesus of the scars.

The heavens frighten us; they are too calm;
In all the universe we have no place.
Our wounds are hurting us; where is the balm?
Lord Jesus, by thy scars we know thy grace.

If, when the doors are shut, thou drawest near,
Only reveal those hands, that side of thine;
We know today what wounds are, have no fear;
Show us thy scars, we know the countersign

The other gods were strong; but thou was weak;
They rode, but thou didst stumble to a throne;
But to our wounds only God's wounds can speak,
And not a god has wounds, but thou alone.

Quoted from The Cross of Christ by John Stott

no longer traditional

2009-06-30T13:31:00.001+08:00

A personal response to the Mark Sanford scandal

It's true

to be just like her

2009-06-29T15:33:00.002+08:00

"Of Psyche's beauity - at every age the beauty proper to that age - there is only this to be said, and there were no two opinions about it, from man or woman, once she had been seen. It was beauty that did not astonish you till afterwards when you had gone out of sight of her and reflected on it. While she was with you, you were not astonished. It seemed the most natural thing in the world. As the Fox delighted to say, she was 'according to nature'; what every woman, or even every thing, ought to have been or meant to be, but had miss by some trip of chance. Indeed, when you looked at her you believed, for a moment, that they had not missed it. She made beauty all around her. When she trod the mud, the mud was beautiful; when she ran in the rain, the rain was silver. When she picked up a toad - she had the strangest and, I thought, unchanciest love for all manner of brutes - the toad became beautiful."

Till We Have Faces; C.S.Lewis

1 down!

2009-06-28T07:01:00.003+08:00

Walked out of my last exam of the semester feeling absolutely awesome! No one could wipe that smile of my face.

1 down, and then 2 weeks break, and then hell unleashes itself again.

But this time, I'm well-trained.

Non-stop studying since beginning of Feb. Not that I study 24/7. Just that studies have been constantly on my mind, and there are no periods of short breaks or holidays, even when its supposed to be holidays. I was doing a 4000 word essay during the last holidays. Sigh.

But this is the hols and I'm gonna enjoy it to the fullest by not doing anything, except things that I want to do, or things that I need to do to live. Like eating. Lots of eating. And lots of crap DVDs. And I need to clean my room. And my flat. I'm embarrassed to even invite people over now.

And it all starts again after two weeks. And this time, there's the mega research project. Aiya...

Anyway I was talking about one of the happiest moments in life.

So after the exam, my friend and I stuffed ourselves. I had proper breakfast at 1pm. Bacon, toast, poached eggs and sausages. YUM.

And then I went out that night as well.

And then I watched Wimbledon.

And then I went to sleep and woke up half an hour late for church. Sigh. So sorry dear God. I accidentally set my alarm for 830pm when I really meant to wake up at 830am to get to church on time =(

But thank God for podcasts. I'll listen to past sermons online. It's not the best. But it is Sunday, and like every other day, God should be remembered. But even more so on a Sunday. Because Sunday has always been Sabbath.

Something beautiful:

For Bruce Schooley, stricken with cancer
Whom in Jesus Christ
Found a cure for death

- What's so great about Christianity - Dinesh d'Souza

seek

2009-06-10T13:23:00.002+08:00

I hope that one day, you'll take my advice and try to seek after Him.

Seek Him with all of your heart, all of your being.

Then you'll realize that it wasn't you who has been seeking Him.

He has been seeking you all along.

With abundant love and hope of an everlasting life.

Good conversation though!

i agree

2009-06-07T12:51:00.003+08:00

From Postsecret.

What is wrong with my generation?

2009-06-05T20:17:00.002+08:00

I hope someone who is worthy of you will see how beautiful and wonderfully made you are. And I hope he will love you forever.

I don't know why is it so much easier for other people. And I can't promise you anything. But all I know is that you're beautiful. And no one should ever make you feel otherwise. And I hope that someone else can see the pearl in you, and will pursue you and fight for you, to prove that he truly deserves you.

Care not for cowards or for those who stroke their egos. They are but empty vessels without substance. These are plentiful. But open your eyes wide and look for precious diamonds amongst the plain rocks. They are hard to find because they last through the ages.

And always ask our Heavenly Father, who is the only one who knows the hearts of men. Surely our humanity is sinful and depraved, but He who started the good work in us, and in many, who is changing us from glory to glory everyday.. He is our guide and our beacon in the darkness. I pray that He will bless you with a beautiful diamond in the rough, a fighting, loving warrior, so that you will always know that you're loved for your unchanging beauty, uncorrupted by time. Because I love you. Because I think you deserve it. And I think you deserve nothing less.

mihimihi

2009-05-23T10:42:00.002+08:00

Ko the Saviour's saving arm te waka
The Saviour's saving arm is my canoe

Ko Calvary te maunga
Calvary is my mountain

Ko River of Life te awa
The River of Life is my river

Ko the Fellowship of the Believers te iwi
The Fellowship of the Believers is my tribe

Ko Lim & Misin te hapu
Lim and Misin are my sub-tribes

Ko Jesus te rangatira
Jesus is my chief

Ko Heaven te marae
Heaven is my home

Ko Fran, God's child ahau
I am Fran. God's child

2009-05-18T12:19:00.002+08:00

My heart is drunk with a beauty that my eyes will never see.

How many loved your moments of glad grace?
And loved your beauty with love false or true
But there will always be one man who loved the pilgrim soul in you
And loved the sorrows of your changing face.

For in all ranks of the human heart yearns for the one called Beautiful.

...
Was moved by Danny Gokey's rendition of the classic "You are so beautiful". I teared.
...

honours schmonous

2009-05-15T20:36:00.004+08:00

"You are a super human study machine that eats dissertations for breakfast."

But I still think that it is, and will be, the best year in university, mainly because the knowledge that I can be exposed to knows no more boundaries. Well, it is still under the umbrella of "accounting", but I didn't know that there was so much more going on behind the scenes! It is tough, that is for sure. I don't have a life outside the university but for ICF and church, and even then I haven't been attending lifegroups regularly. And I know I should!

Ah but the things that I've learned!

And I know that it has changed me somehow. And I probably will not be able to look at a set of financial information the same way ever again.

So now what do I do with all that I've learned or going to learn? One of the main things that I've gained from these past couple of months is the discovery of my intuitive desire for change - change in the economic structure, the business organisation, the labour relations, social justice and emancipation. I guess these desires go down deep into the heart of my faith. God has changed me. So how do I now show this change to others? How do I bring about change in my community and my work? These are questions that would not have risen up if not for this postgraduate year, and I am glad that I did Honours, despite all the long hours in the library and the never-ending stress.

I thought that the year would have been a lonely one because they left, but in the group I have found some pretty amazing friends, and I know the friendships will last. But, I still haven't stepped into Fujiyama since end of last year. And I've had my first yumcha of the year only just 2 saturdays ago, after a very long of craving for it. Too sentimental? Maybe. And I still think of them sometimes. But its probably more because none of my current friends would be able to stomach those kinds of food. Plus, who has time to go for proper lunch? Now, we either eat food we brought from home in front of our laptops or just go to New World for 5 minutes to buy food and then eat in front of our laptops. Worse than working. At least during the internship, I still had an hour everyday for proper lunch, and my day will end by 6pm. I will hang my imaginary working hat outside my door so that I will not bring the burden of work back home. So I sit home and watch TV and discovered the funny-antics, the wonder and the screaming trumpet that is Gordon Ramsay. His shows were incredibly funny and they still are!

But through it all I've declared God as sovereign over my life, as He should be, as He is sovereign over all the earth, the heavens and the universe. And He has taken that role very seriously, teaching me all about Him whenever my human attentiveness allows for it. He has been kind and merciful to me. I hope that His strength will help me carry this burden. I hope that His joy will lift my heavy heart. I hope that 16 October will come like a flash of lightning! That is the date when I need to hand in my thesis - the thing that would be my sweat and passion, and I intend to glorify Him and His authority in my work.

Jesus: Come, all you who are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

And a wonderful happy 21st birthday to my one and only brother!! (He's the only one I got). Well the norm is that 21 entails adulthood, but I think he entered into adulthood a long time ago =). God bless you. Stay out of trouble. And be a man. Do the right thing. Haha..

for mummy

2009-05-10T12:25:00.002+08:00

The faith of a child starts with the faith of a mother.

Happy mother's day mummy. You are the best.

And when I have children of my own, I hope I can parent half as well as you did.

i've made up my mind

2009-05-09T06:12:00.000+08:00

Now I just have to convince my parents.

Psalm 91

2009-04-22T19:43:00.006+08:00

Extremely profound and life-changing. It made me see God in a deeper light. And I hope that I will remember this everyday

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty
I will say of the LORD,
"He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

Most High - El Elyon
He is the Most High God, the highest of the high, the ruler of all, the King of kings and Lord of lords. He created us in His image, and we belong to Him. Thus, He is in control of all things - of the universe, of all creation, and he should have pre-eminence in our lives. To dwell in the shelter of the Most High is then to live in utter submission to this God who has created us in love and out of love. We are living in an incredibly busy world - work, life, family, friends - all great but after a long time of trying to juggle it all it will get tiring. It is then important to just take some time out and rest in His shelter.

In Genesis 14, Abram, who would go on to become Abraham, defeated Kedorlaomer and his allies because they captured his relatives. Abram was then met by Melchizedek, the High Priest (another person whose story will be told another day) and Melchizedek blessed Abram. Abram then gave a tenth of everything he owned. The king of Sodom wanted to give Abram more wealth, but Abram raised his hands to El Elyon and swore that no one but God will make him wealthy, so that no one may say that the king of Sodom made Abram wealthy.

Almighty - El Shaddai
"El" means powerful. Scholars cannot agree on the meaning of "Shaddai" and hence there are two camps - one believes that it means "strong, like a mountain", while the other believs that it means "like a mother's breast." Combing these meanings, we then have an image of a God who is powerful and strong, mighty and all-sufficient but at the same time loving, nourishing and satisifying like a mother's love. He supplies all our needs, and He doesn't need us to help him out.

Sarai, Abram's wife, tried to help God out. God has promised Abraham that he will become a father of all nations, and through him, all the world will be blessed. But he was of old age and had no children. Sarai tried to help God out by asking Abram to sleep with her maidservant, Haggar. From that union came Ishmael. But this was still not the child that God had promised. This "helping God out" may have been one of the biggest mistakes in history because until today, we can still feel the impact of that act. Then at the age of 99, when Abram and Sarai were as good as dead, God appeared to Abram and said:"I am El Shaddai; walk before me and be blameless. I will confirm my covenant with you and greatly increase your numbers." (Gen. 17). This appearance of God was the starting point of Abram becoming Abraham, the receiver of this wonderful promise. Sarai became Sarah. A year after that, the promised child, Isaac, was born. Through the years, God was faithful to this covenant, and this promise was fulfill in the person of Jesus - the forever living descendant of Abraham.

Is there a promise that you have been waiting for? Let God do the work.

LORD - Jehovah
He is a just, holy and righteous God who must purge evil because this is His character. People always talk about how it is God's love that held Jesus at the cross; yes, but it is His righteousness that compelled him to hang there in order to deal with evil once and for all. He then calls us to righteous living. How are we suppose to dwell in his righteousness as a refuge, as He is such a loving, wonderful God, but yet, so just? How are mere sinners suppose to stand in this presence? We do so by living a repented life - a life that acknowledges the saving grace of Jesus, and to turn away from sin, that we may be called "good and faithful servants".

God - Elohim
He is the one who stands on covenant relationships, as He cannot break His promises. He is trustworthy. He will never leave us nor forsake us, engraving our names in the palm of His hands. He restores and He never forgets our names.

In Genesis 15, Abram asked God:" How can I trust you?" when God wanted to make a covenant relationship with him. In the olden days, covenant was made by cutting animals into half, leaving a trench or a trail of blood in between the pieces. Both parties are then to walk on each side of the animal pieces as a sign that says: If I ever break the covenant, let what happened to the animal happen to me." But we see that when God made the covenant with Abram, He alone walked through the ceremony, in a form of a blazing fire. God decided to bring unto himself the burden of bearing both sides of the promise. And again God did this when Jesus came and died on the cross as our perfect substitution. Indeed a trustworthy God that will still remain faithful even though all others are faithless, because He cannot go against His own character. Remember that He never forgets who you are.

Isaiah 49:15-16.
Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.

Elohim never forgets.

I will dwell in the shelter of the Most High
- I belong in the arms of the Father
I will rest in the shadow of the Almighty
- I will be fruitful and not step out of God's shadow. I will get to know Him
I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress
- I will live a repented life. Every time the Holy Spirit urges me on something, I will deal with it. I will not run.
My God, in whom I trust
- I will trust in God because there is security in His name.

Help me know you Lord.

i wish

2009-04-20T17:25:00.002+08:00

I wish my younger self had known what I know now.

Maybe things would have been different.

I probably won't have gone through that much just to learn really simple lessons.

And maybe, just maybe, if I've had these realizations much earlier...

.. God would have answered my prayers earlier too

But I'll never know.

I hope its not too late.

还有没有人知道，你的温柔像羽毛，微笑像拥抱，
多想藏着你的好，只有我看得到。。。

我坚持学单纯的小孩，静静看守这份爱。

the hymn and the formal rule

2009-04-13T19:58:00.004+08:00

Quote:

Ricoeur uses aspects of the biblical tradition to direct our attention to the "strangeness" of the discourse of love. The discourses of love and praise function in a way that are at odds with those discourses that seek univocity at the level of principles. Love is imperative; it commands us, ordering us to have a feeling. What force, what authority, can such a command have? Ricoeur's response is that the authority of the commandment to love is founded upon love itself. The relationship of love, between God and the individual, is foundational to Law and the commandment to love. It is so much more than just a moral obligation. Love, best understood in terms of the power of poetics and metaphorisation, confers a dynamism that is capable of mobilising a wide of affects that we designate by their end states - pleasure vs pain, satisfaction vs discontent etc. This power of poetics and metaphorisation allows love to be capable of signifying more than itself.

Ricoeur contrasts the discourse of love with the discourse of justice, and there are certain aspects where there are clear opposition. What does it mean to be just? By looking at our social practices, he observes that justice is reliant upon argument, confrontation and communicable reason, all of which are foreign to love. He also draws upon the fact that justice, as opposed to love, requires closure - it demands judgment. Many philosophers, from Aristotle to Rawls, have identified justice with distributive justice - assigning roles, tasks, rights and duties based on notions of advantages and disadvantages, of goods and costs. Justice is then tied to equality, where the ideal is an equitable division of rights and goods to the benefit of everyone. From this perspective, society is then seen as a space of confrontation between rivals.

Ricoeur then tries to build a bridge between the discourse of love and the prose of justice - joining the hymn and the formal rule. He found this in Jesus and His teachings. In the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew's gospel and the Sermon on the Plain in Luke's gospel, we have a dramatic contrast between the logic of humanity - the "logic of equality and equivalent" and the logic of God - the "logic of superabundance". Jesus' logic of excess, of disproprtionality, of superabundance and generosity, is made plain in both Sermons.

Love your enemies

Jesus calls forth an extreme response in us by builidng a pattern of commandments that challenges our human logic of equivalence and proportionality.

Ricoeur identifies the same logic of superabundance in Jesus Christ himself: he is the divine excess of generosity, the abundant free gift, the "how much more of God". The clash between the logic of equivalence and the logic of superabundance is on the level of the dialetic of life and death, redemption and fall. On the side of the logic of equivalence - sin, law and death. On the side of the logic of superabundance - justification, grace and life.

However, it is likely that Jesus did not intend to show that love and justice are irreconcible, but rather with the logic of love, he intends to shed a new inflection on the rule of justice. It interprets justice in terms of generosity. Applied in our society, it is to avoid descending into immorality, to uphold social justice. It is only the logic of Love, disproportionality and superabundance, that ultimately secures justice, and the logic of equivalence, from perverse interpretation. The rule of justice then has the potential to be reflected as a recognition of mutual interdependence, or a competitive attempt to secure private advantage within the security of an accepted framework. Thus, Ricouer suggests that our institutions of justice need to always be guarded by the poetics of love - this includes accounting.

Accounting cannot be satisfied only with the logic of equivalence. At present, accounting is not only satisifed with this logic, but it is its guardian. We must be careful with the perversion of this logic. Our modern capitalist society seems to be founded on the logic of "free" and "fair" exchange - again the logic of equivalence - but behind the semblance of market equivalencies is a perverse reality of coercion, force and covert constraint. The market makes exchanges seem equal when in reality, they are unequal and exploitative.

Ricoeur reminds us that the law of exchange and equivalence is not eternal. Before this existed the economy of the gift: men and women compete to be generous.

- Accounting, Love and Justice; McKernan & MacLullich

treasures in jars of clay

2009-04-09T12:54:00.002+08:00

This past two weeks have been really good! I thought it was going to be an absolute mess due to uni deadlines, but its been quite all right. The presentations went well and I've finished my assignment. I have lots more due after the Easter break, and lots and lots and lots of reading that I need to do. But its the holidays! I know I've already taken a day off yesterday, today, and will probably do so tomorrow, but hey, honours has been hectic. More than I thought it was going to be. But God has been gracious - somehow it doesn't seem too bad now.

Oh and my visa finally got approved! FINALLY! I've waited for more than a month to get it! Its during these times when I really feel like a foreigner. I've lived in this country for more than 3 years, and this is going to be my 4th year. It's been 'home' for a long time, but I'm always going to feel just slightly out of place. But thank God my visa has been approved! I can go pick it up from uni next week.

And tomorrow is Good Friday...

We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.

It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus...

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Help me carry your death and resurrection like treasures in jars of clay, so that your death will help me die to sin, and your resurrection will help me shine light to others.

on reading the Bible

2009-04-01T11:08:00.002+08:00

Sensus non est inferendus, sed eferendus

Meaning must be read out of, not into, the text.

So true

2009-03-22T10:40:00.004+08:00

"Do not let loyalty and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart."

Wish I was home.

Lord, forgive me

2009-03-21T06:55:00.002+08:00

Our attitude to the poor, it seems, reveals a lot about our understanding of God's grace. Suppose someone says:"we should not help the poor because their situation is their own fault" - a sentiment one often hears, though not usually phrased so politely. Imagine if God had said that to us? Where would we be? If we condemn the poor because of their own lifestyle then we have not undestood the extent of God's grace towards us with our socially respectable lifestyles that are really deeply corrupt. Gregory the Great said "belief in inequality arises from the spring of pride." In other words, people accommodate inequality by reasoning that their wealth and privileges arise from some kind of superiority - whether skills, experience, enterpreneurial drive, national character and so on. But grace humbles us before God. It forces us to renouce claims to superiority. The parable of the good Samaritan is addressed to a teacher of the law who asks "Who is my neighbour?" At the end we expect the answer to be:" the person in need." But Jesus turns the tables on the lawyer by asking:" Who was a neighbour to the man in need?" The parable places the teacher of the law not in the position of the benefactor, but in the position of need. The more we understand the wonderful grace of God to us in our need, the more our hearts will be open to the poor and marginalized. Often Christians wary of social involvement are persuaded not by intellectual arguments, but by their own encounter with poverty. God's grace causes us to respond to need with compassion.

- The Case for Social Involvement; Tim Chester -

apology

2009-03-17T02:56:00.002+08:00

"If he likes, each put in a small donation; but only if it he wants to and only if he is able. There is no compulsion; all is voluntary. These gifts are, as it were, piety's deposit fund. For they are not taken and spent on feasting and drinking-sessions, but to support and bury poor people, to supply the wants of needy boys and girls without parents, and of housebound old people. Poeple say: see how they love one another. One in mind and soul, we do not hestitate to share our earthly goods with one another. We have all things in common except our wives."

Tertullian; Apology, page 39.

last gig for 2009

2009-03-14T18:39:00.005+08:00

Vodafone Homegrown was Opshop's last gig for 2009 because they're going to start writing a new album.

I know that because I was there! I didn't know that I was going to Homegrown until 3 days ago, when I was told that I won tickets to it! So the act of buying a new phone was probably not too bad. Because with the new phone came the opportunity to enter the draw, and I won the draw! Hence the tickets =) I was really unhappy that I had to get a new phone. I mean, I didn't want a new phone. I just wanted my old one to work, but it didn't.

The TSB arena was packed out when Opshop played, and it was great! I watched them live recently at the Martinborough winery tour as well. And that was so awesome too. Evermore was really, really good as well. Well the conclusion is: IT WAS A BLAST! Well I only watched 4 bands and stayed in the Jim Beam a.k.a. ROCK stage the whole time I was there, but I reckoned those were the best gigs.

It was a good break, considering that I almost hit breaking point on Wed night, because I couldn't finish my readings. But I did finish it in the end. And I was very relieved after that.

I knew that it was going to be hard, but I guess the difficulty of it is just dawning on me now. It's gonna be a tough year ahead. But nothing is impossible, and many have done and survived this before. So I hope that I'll be able to just enjoy the ride =). It's my last year of uni after all.

One day you'll understand how much you have me
One day you'll realize we have it easy
I can't offer you the future - I don't know it myself
All I can offer you is me
All I can offer you right now, is me.

Absence makes her heart grow fonder
While I'm conquering the last frontier.

Never is the grass ever greener

And something else made my day...

Where the light is - John Mayer live in Los Angeles. I HAVE IT! YAY!

for my dearest mummy

2009-03-02T12:02:00.003+08:00

because she has always insisted that I look better with shoulder length hair and a fancy fringe. And she was so happy that I decided to get rid of my long waist-length hair, which I have been growing for the past 3 years.

I'm glad I took her advice

a monk once said

2009-03-01T15:12:00.000+08:00

"The good Lord turned water into wine. Therefore, how can we sin by not drinking good beer?"

the biggest mistake

2009-02-28T13:24:00.004+08:00

that you can make is to promise her this and that and everything, even the world, when you're not ready, or when its not yours to give.

It will break her because she will believe you.

Every single word. Every single promise.

So watch the weight of what you say.

Some words just go too deep. Like "love", or "forever"

Some promises, just far too shallow.

one last time

2009-02-22T06:13:00.003+08:00

I've finished my internship on Friday. And it is nothing less than a great experience. My last day was filled with its share of good and bad. The weather on that day was horrible, with rain and wind all day long. Actually, all of NZ was raining and wet and cold on that day. But the day eventually ended well. I've finished up my work earlier than expected. And I received an offer for a graduate position in Feb 2010. Considering the economic climate, having a job is a great blessing from God.

But if I sign the contract, it would be staying here. Overseas. Again. Away from family. Again. For God knows how long this time.

We know not the paths that we should tread. Only God has been there. That is why He is called the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last; the author and finisher of our faith. I'm still not absolutely sure that this is the right decision. I don't think I've ever been sure of the major decisions that I've made, except for one: to live under the light of His glorious face, to surrender my all to Him who provides ultimate salvation and unending love.

So I don't know.

But what I do know is this: University. One last time.

The Song of Miriam

In your unfailing love you will lead the people who have redeemed
In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling
....
You will bring them in and plant them on the mountain of your inheritance
the place, O LORD, that you have made for your dwelling
the sanctuary, O LORD, your hands established.
The LORD will reign forever and ever.

captivating

2009-02-18T15:42:00.002+08:00

The leaves were long, the grass were green
The hemlock umbels tall and fair
And in the glade a light was seen
Of stars in shadow shimmering
Tinuviel was dancing there
To music of a pipe unseen
And light of stars was in her hair
And in her raiment glimmering

Then Beren came from mountains cold
And lost he wandered under leaves
And where the Elven-river rolled
He walked alone and sorrowing
He peered between the hemlock leaves
And saw in wonder flowers of gold
Upon her mantle and her sleeves
And her hair like shadow following

Enchantment heeled his weary feet
That over hills were doomed to roam
And forth he hastened, strong and fleet
And grasped at moonbeams glistening
Through woven woods in Elvenhome
She lightly fled on dancing feet
And left him lonely still to roam
In the silent forest listening

He heard there oft the flying sound
Of feet as light as linden leaves
Or music welling underground
In hidden hollows quavering
Now withered lay the hemlock sheaves
And one by one with sighing sounds
Whispering fell the beechen leaves
In wintry woodland wavering

He sought her ever, wandering far
Where leaves of years were thickly strewn
By light of moon and ray of star
In frosty heavens shivering
Her mantle glinted in the moon
As on a hill top high and far
She danced, and her feet was strewn
A mist of silver quivering

When winter passed, she came again
And her song released the sudden spring
Like rising lark, and falling rain
And melting water bubbling
He saw the elven-flower springs
About her feet and healed again
He longed by her to dance and sing
Upon the grass untroubling

Again she fled, but swift he came
Tinuviel! Tinuviel!
He called her by her elvish name
And there she halted listening
One moment stood she,
and a spell his voice laid on her
And doom fell on Tinuviel
That in his arms lay glistening

As Beren look into her eyes
Within the shadows of her hair
The trembling starlight of the skies
He saw there mirrored shimmering
Tinuviel the elven-fair
Immortal elven maiden wise
About him cast her shadowy hair
And arms like silver glistening

Long was the way that fate them bore
Over stony mountains cold and grey
Through halls of iron and darkling door
And woods of nightshade morrowless
The Sundering Seas between them lay
And yet at last they met once more
And long ago they passed away
In the forest singing sorrowless

- The Lay of Leithien; J.R.R Tolkien

When they died, the Valar took pity on them, and put them in the skies as stars for all to see...

Beren, where art thou?

the struggle of humanity

2009-02-17T18:45:00.004+08:00

Quote:

- The Christian Approach Series

All religions ask fundamental questions about man, the universe in which he lives, his origin, his purpose and end; his need of forgiveness and strength; his attempt to live the good life; his desire to get on terms with whatever final reality there may be; his longing for immortality. These questions are matters of life and death.

- The Imitation of Christ; Thomas a Kempis

So long as we live in this world, we cannot be without tribulations and temptation. According as it is written in Job, "The life of man upon earth is a life of temptation.". Everyone therefore ought to be careful about his temptations, and to watch in prayer, lest the devil find an occasion to deceive him; for he never sleeps, but goes about seeking whom he may devour. No man is so perfect and holy, but he has sometimes temptations; and without them we cannot be.

Nevertheless, temptations are often very profitable to us, though they be troublesome and grievous, for in them a man is humbled, purified, and instructed. All saints passed through many tribulations and temptations, and profited thereby. And they that could not bear temptations, become reprobate, and fell away. There is no order so holy, nor place so secret, where there be not temptations, or adversities.

There is no man that is altogether free from temptation while he lives on earth; for in ourselves is the root, being born with an inclination to evil. When one temptation or tribulation goes away, another comes, and we shall ever have something to suffer, because we are fallen from the state of our happiness. Many seek to flee temptations, and fall more grievously into them. By flight alone we cannot overcome, but by patience and true humility we become stronger than all our enemies.

He that only avoids them outwardly, and does not pluck them up by the roots, shall profit little. Temptations will sooner return unto him, and he shall feel himself in a worse state than before. By little and little, and by patience with long-suffering through God's help, you shall more easily overcome, than with violence and your own importunity. Often take counsels in temptations, and deal not roughly with him that is tempted; but give him comfort, as you would wish to be done to yourself.

The beginning of all evil temptations is inconstancy of mind, and little trust in God. For as a ship without a helm is tossed to and fro with the waves, so the man who is remiss, and apt to leave to his purpose, is in many ways tempted. Fire tries iron, and temptation tries a just man. We know not oftentimes what we are able to do, but temptations show us what we truly are. Yet we must be watchful, especially in the beginning of temptation; for the enemy is then more easily overcome, if he is not suffered to enter the door of our hearts, but is resisted without the gate at his first knock. Wherefore someone said,"Withstand the beginnings, for later the remedy comes too late." For first there comes to the mind a bare thought, then a strong imagination, afterward, delight, an evil motion, and then consent. And so by little and little our wicked enemy gets complete entrance, while he is not resisted in the beginning. And the longer a man is negligent in resisting, so much the weaker does he become daily in himself, and the enemy stronger against him.

Some suffer great temptations in the beginning of their conversion; others at the end. Others again are much troubled almost through the whole life. Some are easily tempted, according to the wisdom and equity of the Divine appointment, which weighs the states and worth of men, and ordains all things for the welfare of his own chosen ones.

We ought not therefore to despair when we are tempted, but so much the more fervently to pray unto God, that he will grant us help in all tribulations; who, surely, according to the words of St. Paul, will give with the temptation a way of escape, that we may be able to bear it. Let us therefore humble our souls under the hand of God in all temptations and tribulations, for he will save and exalt the humble in spirit.

In temptations and afflictions a man is proved how much he has profited; and his reward is thereby greater, and his graces do more eminently shine forth. Neither is it any such great thing if a man be devout and fervent, when he feels no affliction; but if in time of adversity he bears himself patiently, there is hope then of great progress in grace. Some are kept from great temptations, and in small ones which do daily occur, are often overcome; to the end that, being humbled, they may never presume on themselves in great matters, who are baffled in so small things.

For He has made us to be more than conquerors...

On another note:

I think I'm only finally starting to understand the truth and the essence of the great God that I believe in. And it is simple: this life is but ash in light of eternity, and all the pleasures that have grazed my timeline is but dust compared to His blessings of love and immortality. And nothing or no one in this world is so precious that I should choose the world instead of Him, and in doing so, breaking His heart. Because when the light goes out from my mortal eyes, there is nothing else that I can carry with me save my relationship with my Maker, and the promise that He has given; where no tears of sadness shall ever touch my eyes again, and He shall be the light of my day; where darkness has no home, and sorrows will flee from His presence; where love is everlasting and pure, and life abundant.

No, nothing is as precious as this.

happy valentine's...

2009-02-13T20:49:00.000+08:00

Wherever you are.

Wish you were here.

workforce

2009-02-05T17:23:00.002+08:00

Working life.

It took me ages to get used to waking up at 630 in the morning. And more than once have I woken up way too late. Like that other time? I woke up at 8am, I kid you not. Guess what time I start work: 830am. And by the way, "start work at 830am" means that I'm at my desk, logged on to the server by 830am, not strolling through the lobby at 830am. I remember praying frantically to God, hoping that by some incredible, undeserving miracle, I can get to work on time. That morning, the bus did not have to stop for any red lights. Green all the way! Of course, that was one fluke which God, with His ideals on hard work and justice, will not allow to happen to me, ever again.

It's a totally different learning curve really. Everybody is pushed to continuously learn more and pick up more skills and gain more understanding. There is always a trial period, where mistakes are often made and confusion is rampant. And being an intern, I'm always making mistakes and I'm always confused. But I think the trial period is exactly what it is: a period. There's a full stop. So there will come a time when I need to stop making too many mistakes and stop being confused all the time.

But all in all I think I've learned a lot. I have been given difficult and challenging tasks which I think I will not be able to get anywhere else. I like the culture of the firm and there are lots of nice people there who work hard and diligently. I really hope that I won't be too confused anymore.

My peer group has also grown quite close. We like each other's company, and I guess it makes the whole internship experience a lot deeper and more meaningful. And I will always cherish these people.

And there's the stress. I've only felt the surface of it. But my gosh, its not something that I've felt before. You see, stress from studying is different. I guess its because when I study, I owe an obligation mainly to God, to my family and to myself. And those are very important obligations. But I know that God or my parents are not going to fire me when I screw up.

Employers can.

And there's also the feeling that I may be bringing the team down or over-shooting the budget; Oh and I hate the "stupid" sign that seems to always hang on my head - mainly due to lack of experience. And deadlines get tight and most times things don't always go as planned.

But this is what working life is, isn't it? A steep learning curve that never ends. It never ends even when you have the title "Partner", and you're the one signing on the report, the brandname which you own and striving to protect.

In saying that, important stuff from uni finally came through. I got my offer letter and enrollment is on the 18th of Feb. So I'm going to be taking the compulsory research methodology papers, Advanced Taxation and Advanced Financial Accounting. Which means I get Mondays and Wednesdays off. HAHAHA! And no more waking up at 630am! YAAY!

Although I think I will take up Fi's advice and start waking up early.

I've heard this saying from somewhere: "When you're dead, you get all the time in the world to sleep anyway."

Dear Lord

2009-01-20T14:32:00.003+08:00

Home is behind, the world ahead
And there are many paths to tread
Through shadows, through the edge of night
Until the stars are all alight
Mist and shadow, cloud and sky
All shall fade, all shall fade

-J.R.R. Tolkien; The Lord of the Rings

.....

Grant me angel's eyes so that I can see you always
For You can turn midnight into day
You can roll the dark clouds away

-Chris Hill

.....

Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee

Sweet Jesus carry me away
From cold of night and dust of day
From ragged hour and salt worn eye
Be mine desire, my well-spring lie

-Hymn; Jars of Clay

....

the only place they want to go...

2009-01-16T09:14:00.003+08:00

Tonight at 930pm, I will be boarding a plane that will take me to the end of the world, literally. That is what New Zealand is. The very end of the world. The only place further down is Antartica and that place is unhabitable. Unless you're a polar bear.

I imagine that by the time I'm at my seat, with the doors sealed shut, and the plane starts moving for take off, I would want to go to the cockpit to ask the pilot to turn back, because I don't think I'm ready to go. Not yet. 4 weeks is far too short a time to spend with family, and I will not see them for a while. But as usual, these thoughts will only be in my head, because in my very heart of hearts, I know where I'm suppose to be.

Before I went to bed last night, I went to every corner of my house, thinking and pondering over events, items and people. My dad used to have tuition classes in the kitchen, and I used to sit there with my friends, going through difficult questions in Additional Mathematics. And I still think of these friends of mine, even though I haven't seen them in a long time. The juice blender lay there unused. I was the only one who really used that thing. The same goes with the electric oven. I went into the hall. The piano. I've been playing that thing since I was 5. Same piano. And till this day, no sound made from any instrument sound more beautiful than the one made by my family piano. So many music books, ranging from beginners until difficult classical pieces. Murgorsky, Hadyn, Chopin, Beethoven, Bach, Debussy, Ravel.. Of course, I would find it hard to play any of them now, not having properly played after I've finished my diploma. I went into the room that I used to share with my sister. Our wardrobe and dressing table used to belong to my parents in our old home, before we moved into this house. My bed used to be beside the window, and I would lie awake, looking at the stars, imagining of a world out there that I haven't seen. I went into my brother's room. The wardrobe that is in his room used to be mine in the old house. There is a picture of a boy and girl, and they're holding balloons. When I was young, I would stare at the picture, and thought that they're the most beautiful couple because they were very in love. There used to be a mirror in the wardrobe but its gone now, broken. I went into my mother's room, and I remember how she would preach to us about God, hoping that all of us would grow up following God. And I dare say that all of us would never abandon Christianity for anything else.

So many memories.

There are many places in the world that I want to see, so many things that I want to do and experience, but none of them would beat home. Home is my safe haven in this world of turmoil; where everything is provided for - bed, food, and love; where doctors are easily accessible and everything is cheaper; where most people know my culture and I know theirs. No where else in the world will compare to home, and this is where I want to end up, no matter where life brings me.

....

One of the most popular science fiction is Star Trek. Set in a time far more advanced than we are now, around the 24th or 25th century, Earth (humans) is now part of an alliance called the Federation - consisting of other alien races such as the Vulcans, Klingons, Ktarians, Romulans etc. The technology is advanced enough that space travel is not only possible, but normal. The galaxy is divided into quadrants, and Earth is in the Alpha Quadrant. Earth's main space control is called StarCommand, and its amarda of ships are called StarFleet. USS Voyager is part of this fleet. They were sent on a mission to the Badlands, but due to a space anomaly, they were transported from the Alpha Quadrant to the Delta Quadrant - thousands, if not miliion of light years away from Earth. And from there, they start their journey home, persistent with their main mission - which is getting back to Earth. They've met many alien races - some friendly, but most of them hostile. While they took the opportunity to explore, gaining and expanding their scientific knowledge, they have never lost sight of what they are trying to do.

A Brunali family sat under the stars after an encounter with Voyager. Brunalis are agrarian and their technology poor due to destruction by the Borg, a notoriously hostile alien race. Their vessels have low warp technology, meaning that they cannot travel far. The father of the Brunali family told his son:"Ironic, isn't it? With all of Voyager's technology, and their opportunities for exploration, the only place they truly want to go, is home."

....

there goes another year

2009-01-05T11:11:00.002+08:00

I've probably said this statement so many times that its becoming really cliche.

Time flies and it waits for no one.

It has been a really good year with its own ups and downs. I've come to grasp a lot of realities in life a lot better and learned more about God through these things. And I hope that I have grown more in maturity and wisdom. Life has been good despite the rain and thunderstorms, but through it all God has been very faithful in caring and providing for me. I've also met some wonderful people and seen other wonderful people leave my day-to-day life. Talk about being bittersweet.

22 years going on 23. For some reason, I don't feel that young anymore.

I've been thinking a lot about decisions; where I should go and what should I do for the next couple of years. Again I'm at a crossroad, but this is a big one which would have a lot of implications. And I would need to make up my mind really soon. Its like having two hearts: Logic vs Desire. One is the far more logical and sensible decision, while the other is based purely on what the heart wants. I've been praying, asking God to show me which road should I pick. But in my heart of hearts I know that God probably will not pick the road for me. He'll tell me to pick a route and then reassures me that He will always be there for me. Sigh.

God, help me only to serve You in everything I do.

about saying goodbye

2008-12-12T20:52:00.004+08:00

Drink with me to days gone by....

I know that this is how life is like. We need to evolve and adapt. Time does not stand still. And neither does it go back. But right now, I want it to stop, and I want to go back to the way things were. I am excited about the future because I know it will be different, but I am also afraid of the change that I'm gonna have to face.

Empty chairs and empty tables. My friends, all gone.

I've always known that this point in time will come to pass. People come and people go, and some people leave deeper footprints than others. But nothing lasts forever, and that makes my heart heavy and sorrowful. What am I suppose to do without them? They were part of my life here. My experiences of university and New Zealand are filled with them. And now, for the very first time since I've step into uni, I won't know who I'm suppose to sit with, or where in the library I'm suppose to go. I'll have to start all over again, and nothing will be the same. Ever.

Empty chairs and empty tables.

I hate change. And I hate the fact that life is all about change. And what choice to I have but to learn how to accept the future before me?

I'm so sad to see them go, but I know, at this point in time, this is where I'm suppose to be, and it breaks me that they are not going to be part of my daily journey anymore. They have been part of it for the past 3 years. I kinda feel a bit lost now. I thought it'll be easier because I'm following what my heart is telling me to do, what I think God has planned for me to do. But no. It is still not easy to watch them leave, knowing that I cannot do anything about it.

So what now?

Chin up. And try to embrace the new.

But I will always remember the past and cherish the engraved memories in my heart. It is not everyday that you meet people whom you know you will always have a bond with. These are people that I'm never going to ever forget. And seeing them again in a random street somewhere in the future is going to give me a sense of happiness that nothing else in this world can offer. That's friendship. And that is one of the lasting forms of love that this broken world can offer.

Empty chairs and empty tables. With drops of tears.

But surely God will be kind to me. And with the technology these days, the distance probably will not be as bad as I make it out to be. But still, everything is going to be different now.

But at least, I had the honour and the joy to call them "friends". And that is enough.

At the shrine of friendship never say die
May the wine of friendship never run dry

I will miss you.

with a snap of a finger

2008-12-05T16:36:00.002+08:00

That's how it is like for some.

Like a fairytale.

While for others...

It isn't.

And for some others,

Its non-existent,

Like a dream.

And all you can do is to wait for the dream to become alive.

Sometimes, it feels that way..

So surreal. And waking up becomes all the more harder as the remaining strands of a beautiful feeling dies away.

But you never really forget that feeling.

And really all you can do is to wait for that feeling to become alive again.

What feeling, you might ask.

The feeling you get when you finally comprehend the biggest force of nature, the mother of all poetry, music and art, the giver of life and the essence of God. And you know that you are part of that force, by giving and also receiving it.

In the past, I thought I understood it.
But in recent times, I know that I don't. I can't.

And I can only hope that one day I will.

elite professionals

2008-11-29T04:38:00.002+08:00

I've recently spent two weeks in Auckland for PwC's induction program.

And in the midst of that two weeks some life-changing things have happened. Two weeks can seem really long.

First and foremost, I HAVE A DEGREE! I've passed all my papers, and now I have a degree! Yaay! It was the end of the first week of induction, and my roomie for the past two weeks Sendirella came into the room and said "they're out!". At first I thought the interns went out into town for more drinking after incredibly finishing off a ceiling high bar tap (we're still not exactly sure what is the bar tap, but judging by the amount of drinking that went on, it should be around $10,000 for 2 nights. WOW!). But what she meant, of course, was that our exam results are out!. I thought I was going to do really badly in Audit, but thank God it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be! So I was really happy then.

And I was offered a place in Honours next year! My parents consider it a proud achievement and so do I! I'm feeling kinda bittersweet about it, because getting into Honours is a great thing, but the amount of work is going to be horrendous. Sigh. But the good thing though is that I have made some really great friends during the induction, and the Wellington interns have bonded really well. Some of us are going to be doing Honours together next year, so that means I will not be all alone!

The induction program overall was quite good. There were many moments where I felt I was reliving 303 again, but of course, this time, there are no exams! When entering the technical phase of doing an audit, I felt quite lost, but I was reassured again and again that I will learn on the job and things will become clearer as time goes by. What is required of me is determination to do well, and ask lots of questions when I'm unclear.

I've met some really great people and have been inspired by some great people. Alan brought the Wellingtonians ice-skating, and so I ice-skated for the first time ever! It was painful, but it was good fun. And he also brought us to the best bubble tea place that I've ever been to. OH MY GOSH.. IT WAS SO GOOD! It made Wellington bubble tea seem like absolute crap. I don't think I can have Wellington bubble tea without comparing it to the awesomeness of Hulu Cat bubble tea! Sigh.. Leaving Auckland was a bittersweet affair too. I couldn't wait to go home, but part of me wished that I could stay. And I've also met some people who have made great careers with the opportunity that PwC has given them. These people are good at what they do, and yet they can still keep their personal lives intact. You just need to look at the amount of people who are married/engaged. They are not boring single people who are only focused on their career. During the start of the induction, a partner who went into that position at the age of 29 introduces us the world that is PwC, the elite professionals. And I feel proud to be part of this team. If I do not enjoy the internship, I think the only reason for it is that I'm not cut out to be an accountant, because the people and the coaching in this firm are great. But I hope that I will enjoy the rest of the internship, and I think I will.

Oh yeah, I turned 22 during that two weeks. Thank God for the past 22 years. And I turned 22, knowing that this is where I'm suppose to be in life.

And I look forward to more good things to come.

remember this day

2008-11-12T08:14:00.001+08:00

But this election was about much more than issues. It was the ratification of an essential change in the nature of the country. I've seen two others in my lifetime. The election of John Kennedy ratified the new America that had emerged from war and depression - a place where more people owned homes and went to college, a place where young people had the affluence to be idealistic or to rebel, a place that was safe enough to get a little crazy, a sexier country. Ronald Reagen's election was a rebellion against that - an announcement that toughness had replaced idealism overseas, that individual economic freedom had replaced common economic purpose at home. It was an act of nostalgia, harking back to the "real" America - white, homogeneous, small-town - that the McCain campaign unsuccessfully tried to appeal to.

Obama's victory creates the prospect of a new "real" America. We can't possibly know its contours yet, although I suspect the headline is that it is no longer homogeneous. It is no longer a "white" country, even though whites remain the majority. It is a place where the primacy of racial identity - and this includes the old, Jesse Jackson version of black racial identity - has been replaced by the celebration of pluralism, of cross-racial synergy. After eight years of misgovernance, it has lost some of its global swagger, but also some of its arrogance. It may no longer be as dominant, economically or diplomatically, as it once was. But it is younger, more optimistic, less cynical. It is a country that retains its ability to startle the world - and in a good way, with our freedom. It is a place, finally, where the content of our President's character is more important than the colour of his skin.

Joe Klein, TIME

One of these days, God willing, we may be able to say the same of Malaysia. YES WE CAN

profound and poignant

2008-11-04T06:33:00.003+08:00

"Malaysia - A Lost Democracy?"
Speech by Datuk Zaid Ibrahim
LawAsia Conference 2008, Kuala Lumpur.

Quote:
The Rule of Law has no meaning if judges, especially apex Court judges, are not prepared to enter the fray in the struggle for the preservation of human rights and the fundamental liberties. Supreme Court judges in other jurisdictions have done so time and time again. Though it is far less difficult to accommodate the will of the government, that must be resisted at all costs, particuarly where justice so demands. Only then can we say that Malaysia is grounded on the Rule of Law. To all our judges I say discard your political leanings and philosophy. Stick to justice in accordance with the law. As Lord Denning reminded us: Justice is inside all of us, not a product of intellect but of the spirit. Your oath is to the Constitution; shield yourself behind it. Without your conviction, democracy is but a concept.

In any event, I have to be careful. The more we say, the more vulnerable we become. But my parting message is this: The people of goodwill must continue to strive to bring about change, so that we can rebuild the trust of all Malaysians. From that trust, we can rebuild the country where we do not live in fear, but in freedom that the rights of all Malaysians are acknowledged, respected and protected by the system of law that is just and fair. There is no quest more honourable and a struggle more worthy of sacrifice.

Read the whole speech here: http://lawasiakl2008.org/story/216/malaysia-a-lost-democracy-datuk-zaid-ibrahim

The speech encapsulates my heart's cry as someone who calls Malaysia "motherland". All Malaysians should read it and take some time to think about our country, and how we can play a part in bringing about peace, justice, freedom and liberty for all. The speech makes me proud that I'm Malaysian, and it makes me feel excited about the sweeping change that is about to come. And it is in these moments where the church in Malaysia will have to stand strong in prayer and in faith, believing that the God of the universe has great plans for this great nation. We need to pray for our leaders, that God will grant them wisdom to lead our country, a heart that bleeds for the needs of the people, and idealistic visions of justice and liberty for all Malaysians from all races and creeds.

Read what happened next here: Zaid hits back at critics

Thank God for men with balls.

On another note, I'll be leaving Everton tomorrow after staying in the same room for two years! One does collect a lot of junk after two years of not moving. I'm so excited about my new flat! Party will be organized soon and invites will be sent out =).

And I have an interview for Honours coming Tuesday. Please pray for me!

Thos who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves - Abraham Lincoln, former President of the United States

DONE

2008-10-29T16:43:00.006+08:00

DONE! YES! NO MORE UNDERGRAD! *fingers crossed again*

I really hope I didn't screw up Audit too badly. Sigh.

But no more sad talk! Tonight I'm gonna watch lots of movies, and tomorrow its fun fun fun! I can worry about other stuff later =D

There are many roads that one can take. I guess if its really the wrong one then God will shut it down. But if there is no such thing as a right or a wrong in a decision, then no matter what decision I make, what route I take, I know the Almighty will be there watching out for me.

我很想家。真的很想回家。心快要破碎了。哼。。。
我还记得我刚来新西兰的心情，好快乐。终于觉得我有机会独立，可以有自己的空间来长大成人。
三年了。。。
我现在终于明白我家的温柔和爱情。在这个人生的道路，和我们来往相处的人茫茫如星星，但是只有家人才可以无限的爱你，尽力保护你，永远珍惜你。朋友？二十多年的友谊，可以一眨眼，就失去了。不要误会我的意识，朋友当然重要。在新西兰，朋友就是我的家人。但是，他们给你的爱不是免费的；友谊需要时间，信任和缘分去慢慢培养；付出太多的时候，就会觉得很累。友谊一失去就很难再重新来过。此外，我现在也不知道那个朋友是真实朋友；狡猾的“朋友”也不少。在你面前他会和你笑笑嘻嘻，但在你背后他是专门要毁灭你。真的非常头痛。有些朋友呢就不会考虑你的心情和感受，没有去好好了解你的痛苦和难过，把自己当最重要。我现在真的很烦恼，但是要开口说出去的话，怕会有太多的伤害，没药可救。家人和朋友不一样。就算你再做错，他们的心永远会有属于你的地位。就算他们伤你，家人之间的关系不容易砍断。我现在很需要一个恩爱的环境，快要顶不下去了。幸好有神给我力量，不然，我真的不知道该如何顶下去。我知道在这个世界里，可以天长地久永远永恒的东西和关系不存在。但，可以在这短短的人生感觉到爸爸的拥抱，妈妈的疼爱，是没有人可以给我的幸福。我不会在一个没有爸妈的世界存在。
我真的很想回家。他们为我牺牲不少，我应该孝顺。哼。。。

It's where love and feeling good don't ever cost a thing

thanking God

2008-10-28T17:03:00.002+08:00

He has a purpose for everything. I can't thank Him enough.

There were so many frustrating moments, and when enduring those times I don't exactly understand how things are going to work out. I even doubted whether this whole thing was meant to be in the first place. But now, it all worked out. We went to look at a really nice flat yesterday, and today, we signed the contract for it. Part of me is still trying to digest the fact that I don't have to go on Quinovic or TradeMe to look urgently for flats, or to try to be the first potential tenant in the door. God did provide, and it is a pretty good flat. Fully furnished. With TV. And double wardrobe. And a double bed. This means I can put off buying furniture again. Haha..

So with all of my heart, I thank you, Lord my God, for being my Jehovah Jireh. You are my Great Provider. And I surrender this flat into your hands. May you use it for Your glory and Your honour. And may the people who walk through our doors be thorougly blessed, because we have been blessed by You. Thank you, dear Jesus!

So Audit was completely horrible. I want to forget that I sat that exam. In fact, I want to forget the whole course. But I have learnt a great lesson from this experience though: there is a big difference between a good student and a great one. A good student studies what is given really well. A great student knows how to expand his/her mind by thirsting for more. My biggest mistake in doing Audit is confining myself to the textbook and what was taught. Coupled with the fact that I don't have any experience in Audit, having never done any internships, I don't really understand how it works in the real world. And my mind doesn't think critically. My brain accepts what is taught in class and perhaps even knows how to apply theory. But it does not know how to think outside the box. So this is a good wake up call for me to start thinking critically, or else Honours year is going to be really hard.

My last paper is tomorrow. Can't wait for it to be over! I guess I'll be blogging again tomorrow about how happy I am. Just imagine, by this time tomorrow, I'll be done with undergrad. Forever. *Fingers crossed*

But tonight, in this post, I just want to thank my God. I love Him lots and lots, because He holds my world in the palm of His beautiful hands.

El Shaddai

2008-10-23T14:16:00.003+08:00

It means "God who is All-Sufficient".

It appeared 48 times in the Old Testament of the Bible. 31 out of the 48 appeared in the book of Job.

"Naked I came from my mother's womb.
Naked will I depart
The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away
Praise be the Name of the Lord." Job 1:21

"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines
Though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food
Though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD
I will be joyful in God my Saviour" Habakkuk 3:17-18

To date, I have looked at and applied for 12 flats. I was rejected for all of them.

But at least I still have my El Shaddai.

530pm

2008-10-09T14:09:00.004+08:00

Today at 4:30pm GMT+12 New Zealand time, I walked into my very last lecture as an undergraduate student. Approximately one hour later at 5:30pm, Ali said:" Congratulate me, Fran. This is my last class as a student."

Time flies.

We're all grown up now.

Soon I will sit for my last exam as an undergrad.

And then there's Honours year. Apparently that is a different ball game altogether. And there will be different faces, because familiar faces are leaving soon. Things are going to change, notwithstanding my desire for time to stay still, even if its just for a while.

But this world has not the beauty of eternity. It is cursed by time. The only thing that may last is a pensive of collected memories, but even those can be taken away when the human brain has failed, and when age eats life away.

Part of me looks forward to the future, and I pray, every single day I pray, that my future will be better than my past; that dreams will come true; that I will live this life knowing its wonder in its entirety; that I will live the life that God has willed and destined for me; that I will not sway; that I will stand strong in times of trials; that I can hold my head high in moments of defeat; that I can stand proud with integrity when the battles are won; that I will know the joy of being truly loved by someone; that I will know what is love, and how to give it away with all of my being.

So much to look forward to.

So little time to do it all.

to the younger me

2008-09-25T18:45:00.002+08:00

Stole this idea from the koko himself! Hope you don't mind Jarod =) Read all about it here

Dearest Younger Me,

One song, I have but one song,
One song only for you
One heart, tenderly beating
Ever entreating, constant and true....

It brings back memories, doesn't it? I remember the very first time we heard that song, and since then its been forever engraved in our heads. After 10 years since listening to that song, I still sing it from time to time. I guess this part of us will never change, no matter how old we get.

But such is life. It forces you to grow wiser, and there are so many things that I wish that I can share with you, so that you can do things right this time. But I know how you are like. You are adamant about making your own mistakes. But praise be to God, they're not too serious, yet. And I know you. Once you've made the mistake, you would wish that you can just go back into the past and change it again.

But since I have had the pleasure of hindsight, please, take heed to what I am about to say.

Understand that marriage is a beautiful thing. It was created by God, and it was never meant to be horrible or sad. I know you know this, so hold on to it, and always believe that not everyone will have a sad ending. And even sad endings can be the beginning of happy endings. Some people will try to come and tell you that God doesn't really have a hand in it, because some of the loneliest people are married. So God doesn't really plan marriages. Don't listen to them. They have no idea what they're talking about. You have seen it for yourself. So don't be shaken up by statements like that.

And when I say "happy ending", it is not your wedding day. If your wedding day is the happiest day of your life then you are in big trouble. The happiest day of your life should come AFTER your wedding day. And there shouldn't be only ONE happy day, there should be so many happy days that you have lost count. It is not the dress or the hair or the bridesmaid or the cake. It is not even the ring. Those things do not buy happiness. No.

Some will then tell you that you need to set certain criteria or standards so that you can find happiness. You know what I mean. Things like: he must be good-looking, he must be older than me, he must be smart and intelligent, he must play the guitar (you used to be real adamant about this one), blah blah blah. Sure, these are good things. But let me tell you, at the end of the day, they don't really matter. Because good looks will wither away, and maturity does not equal age, and some people are academically smart but retards in everything else, and everybody can play the guitar if they put enough effort into learning it. And there are many other things that you can demand of a guy, but let me tell you, you only need 4 things: that he is a good guy, that he is a responsible guy, that he loves you, and that he loves God with all his heart.

Standards too low?

Let me tell you, in this whole wide world, there is probably only one who can fulfill all that. You only see what he portrays to the world, but only God knows his heart. And only God can turn his heart to see your beauty in the midst of your inadequacies. Only God knows his true nature. And only God can make him fall totally, deeply, whole-heartedly in love with you. All of the other things - NOT IMPORTANT, even the one about the guitar. Let it go. Ain't worth it.

Oh, and another thing. Pray. Pray. Pray. Pray. God is the strength of your heart. Pray.

By now you have probably met some bad ass characters, and you will meet more of those in the future. I know it hurts when your heart gets broken into pieces and promises go unfulfilled. It may seem like there are no good men around, but don't give up. You need to go on believing in the existence of good men, of men who love God and will love their wives and children. As long as God is still alive, He will stir the hearts of men to Himself. So don't give up. Don't lose hope. They're not all that bad =). And you'll meet some really good guys in the future too!

And now, let me tell you what happiness really is

Happiness is when you know that he's always going to be there, that even if you get so angry at him and scream at his face and tell him to get lost (which, you will discover, you actually have that kind of capacity towards anger), he's staying put and he's not leaving you. No matter how much you tell him to get lost, he's not going anywhere because he knows you. Its all just hormones and you being very melancholic. He loves you, so he's staying put. He might scream back, but he's staying put. Happiness is when both of you are serving God together and building His Kingdom, united under His banner. Happiness is when he is leading you closer to your Maker, and you are always encouraging him to look at the face of Jesus. You know you have happiness when he is sacrificing himself for God, for you and for your children; that nothing in this earth can compare to those three jewels, and I mean nothing. Happiness is when he loves you even though you're old, fat, wrinkly and cranky. Happiness is when he cares for you when you're sick and puking your guts out. Happiness is feeling his body close to your heart when you're too depressed to carry on. Happiness is knowing and having full assurance that he loves you, that he's staying, and he's not going anywhere, that he is putting God and his family first, that he's not going to have some other woman behind your back.

And there is one, final thing.

You will come to realize this for yourself one day: there are certain places in the heart that are just too deep, and only God can go there. This man might be the closest person to you, but it is nothing compared to the surpassing comfort of being close to Jesus. He doesn't really complete you. God does. Even though he may be an amazing guy, he is nothing compared to Jesus, and he knows that I'm sure. This man is your lover, your best friend, and the father of your children, but there are things that he will never understand, circumstances that he will never know, and memories that he will never discover. So then let God complete you. Plus, by being completed by God, you are more than able to love and honour him.

One love that has possessed me
One love, thrilling me through
One song, my heart keeps singing
Of one love only for you.

And you'll be fine. Don't worry. You worry too much. Stop it.

Signed,
Older Me

hosea: my compassion aroused

2008-09-14T12:29:00.006+08:00

Love-torn faces

Journey: Wellington - Auckland. Partner-in-crime: this real cool and crazy stats analyst-cum-great friend named Ruth =D

It was really lots of fun! Kudos to AOCF for a great and wonderful performance, and I can assure you that there will never be another show like that one! It had it all: comedy, tear-jerkers, dancing and good music. They have put in a lot of effort into the making of this musical, and praise God for a good turnout and a great night!

I thank God for old friendships being rekindled and for new people who had intertwined their lives with mine. Thank God for the sunshine, relatively warm weather and good food. Thank God for good people who spent almost the whole weekened with us, and making sure that we're well taken care of. Thank God for people who opened up their home so that we have a place to stay. Thank God for people who were willing to drive us here and there and everywhere whenever they can. May the good Lord bless you guys a hundred times fold! And thank God for chicken rice and dunkin donuts. Ah God bless Auckland!

And I think the Aucklanders are due for a visit to Welly =) *hint hint*

.....

You think you know people. You really don't. What you know is a mere perception that is perhaps party generated by your mind. What is in a man's soul is but for God to know. And it is in the little, subtle things that you see a man's heart: the way he treats his friends, the manner in which he speaks, the conversations he has with you, the expressions on his face etc. It speaks so much of him: his principles, his ideals, his character, and most important of all, whether you really mattered to him in the first place. God is God of the great and mighty, of the desert storm and the ocean deeps. But He is also the God for the small things, of a sincere handshake and a warm smile, of a thank you card and a kind word, of a genuine hello and a sad goodbye, of quality time and a love-filled hug. So if you do not bother with the small things, you're really not much of a man at all. And God bless those who know that God cares about the small, subtle things.

I care about the small, subtle things.

And it breaks my heart that you don't.

....

Oh Lord
Hear me, hear my words unspoken
Restore my faith in hoping
Hear me, I am feeling broken
I am broken open
Turn my tears into wine
All that is left of me are traces
Make me stronger in my broken places

-Jim Brickman-

i will never understand

2008-09-08T18:23:00.002+08:00

My dearest friend,

It matters not whether you will be able to read this, and perhaps its even for the best, but this, every word, is from my heart.

I would like to say to you now what people should have said to you when you were a mere boy at the tender age of 12 to 18: You are awesome, and you have God's touch on your life. You have sacrificed much in the name of faith, and with your whole heart you have poured out your life for the body of Christ. You are God's great and mighty tool, used by Him to propel His Kingdom. God loves you. He sees your struggles and have counted your tears. All that you are doing now will not be in vain.

I just wished someone have told you that a long, long time ago. Then perhaps you will never know the pain of being used and abused, or the suffering that comes with non-appreciation, and the hurt that comes with loneliness, of doing things without support. Perhaps, but we will never know.

I dare not say that I understand because I don't, and I never will. Our experiences are different, and sad to say that God has not given me the privilege of being able to sympathize and cry with you. To say the words "I understand" would be the greatest lie of all, and it would undermine the beauty and comfort those words bring. Taking words lightly is such a common thing in our generation, is it not? Words like "love" and "commitment" and "forever and always" are said with puff, not realizing the gravity of the echo that follow those words. "I understand" falls under this category. I will say it upfront: I do not understand.

But what I understand is that we both serve and love a God who is good and gracious with His mercy. We both believe in a God who created the world to be good, and created us to be in relationship with Him. He wants to be close to us, to bless us, and for us to bask in His glorious light, and to forever feel His peace. And I am, at times, disappointed and ashamed at the followers of this great and mighty God, and this includes myself. I am ashamed at myself too. This shame comes from our innate inability to portray Him in His true beauty. We preach that as Christians, our lives should model that of Christ. But all have failed because all have sinned. Thanks be to our Holy God for His everlasting grace! In our weaknesses, He was, is and will be made perfect. I am sad that the Christians in your life have used and abused you, but you need to know that God has engraved your name in the palm of His hand. But you do know that already, don't you?

Then all we can do now is to pray: this is our greatest weapon against the deadly enemy call "fear of the past". I pray that He will strengthen you and guide you, then He will cause you to cast the past into the deep, and to rise up to be a stronger, better man. I pray that His peace will be with you for the rest of days here on earth, and may you one day take up the mantle of leadership again, and continue to live your life as a living sacrifice for Him. May you find joy in being His servant, and may you have the happiness that comes from being part of a great community of God. May you always be encouraged. May you always be loved. But you are loved. You are my friend, and like in any genuine friendship, love exists.

Always remember that it is not in His nature to break a bruised reed or to snuff out a smoldering wick. His nature is to heal those who are broken-hearted, binding up their wounds. It is His nature to set the captives free from prison, even the prison of the past. You are God's great creation, and He will always love you.

And I write this to you now, with all love and sincerity. You will be in my prayers.

on my own

2008-09-05T11:19:00.002+08:00

And now I'm all alone again
No where to turn, no one to go to
Without a home, without a friend
Without someone to say hello to
But now the night is near
I can make believe he's near

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him, and then I'm happy
with the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own, pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes,
and he has found me

In the rain, the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know, its only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself, and not to him
And although, I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him, but when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
the streets are full of strangers

I love him, but everyday I'm learning
All my life, I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
The world is full of happiness that I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

-Eponine, singing about Marius; Les Miserables-

for all are sinners

2008-08-28T20:49:00.002+08:00

Of fallen heroes...

Watching my heroes - those I love the best -
I saw them fail; they could not stand the test
Even by this the Lord, through tears not few,
Unto Himself me drew.

He is not the first, and he won't be the last.

And remember that all have sinned, and thus, all are in need of grace. None have attained perfection, and all have fallen from righteousness. The world's moral compass rates the level of sin, putting some sins as being worse than others. But sin, by its very fundamental definition, just means separation from God. All are separate, and hence lies the power of grace, because none can attain reconciliation with God but by grace.

Really, who can stand the test? None but Jesus.

Please say a prayer for the fallen heroes, past and present, who failed because of sin. God's purposes will triumph in the darkness, it always will! Sin will be no more, and all that is left is unending grace, undeserving forgiveness and undying love.

And no matter what happens, "Healer" is still my anthem song, because the words are true: He is Jehovah Rapha, my Healer; He is Jehovah Jireh, my Portion, and He is more than enough for me.

there again and back again!

2008-08-25T13:45:00.002+08:00

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth...
Port Hills, Christchurch

It was indeed a very memorable trip! This time, it was Vivy and me and for 6 days, we ate, shopped, ate, shopped, spend time with friends, ate, shopped.. ah such is life! Thank you so much 26 Ballantyne Avenue for putting us up! It made the trip way cheaper than it would have been.

The weather was very kind to us. It was sunny most days. It rained only on the second day that we were there, but that didn't stop us from visiting the city centre. We also went to Akaroa, and it was absolutely beautiful. There was no wind, and the sun was out, and it was the perfect place to laze about and do nothing (except eating).

Glo, Ray, Bern, Ka-Mun and many others were very kind to us, bringing us around and showing us the good places to eat. Put a whole bunch of Asians together (especially boys/men between ages 20-23), and add in food, and you get lots of fun and jokes! I think that is how life should be. Eat, laugh, and do both with friends.

Now that we're back, the reality of our calorie-laden body has finally sinked in. And uni starts in a week. Sigh.

On a lighter and happier note, lots of people are getting baptized this Sunday! Yaay! Thank God for His never-ending grace! And His mercy is new every morning.

So I probably should start getting some work done, so that I won't be cramming like a mad person at the end of term.

Something romantic...

The ultimate test of true love

Lt. John Blanchard was in New York City at Grand Central Station, and he looked up at the big clock. It said five till six. His heart was racing. At exactly six o'clock he was going to meet the girl whom he thought he was in love with, but had never met. This is what had happened... He had been in Florida for pilot training during World War II, and while he was there he happened to go to a library and check out a book. As he flipped through the pages, he noticed that someone had made notes in the margins. Reading the insightful observations in beautiful handwriting, he said to himself, " I would love to meet whoever wrote these notes - they seem so kind, gentle and wise."

He looked in the front of the book and saw a name, Harlyss Maynell, New York City. He decided to try to find her. With the help of a New York City phone book, he found her address and wrote her a letter. The day after he wront her, he was shipped back overseas to fight in the war.

Surprisingly, Harlyss answered John's letter. They soon began to correspond back and forth throughout the war. "Her letters were just like the marvelous notes she had written in that book," John recalled. "She was so comforting and so helping."

One time John had confessed in a letter that he had been scared to death when they flew over Germany. Harlyess had encouraged him," All brave men are afraid at times. Next time you are afraid, just say, "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me."

As they continued to write, John began to realize that he was having romantic feelings toward Harlyss. He wrote, "Send me a picture," and she replied,"No, I won't. Relationships are not built on what people look like."

Still, he was intrigued by her and longed to meet her in person. Finally, the day came when he was to return to the States on leave. He mentioned in one of his letters that he was coming home and would like to take her to dinner. She had arranged to meet him in New York City's Grand Central Station at 6pm, under the big clock. "You'll know who I am because I'll be wearing a red rose," she told him.

At last the day had come. John waited nervously to finally meet the girl he thought he loved. Here is how John described his first meeting with Harlyss Maynell:

"A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. She had blonde hair that lay back in curls from her delicate ears. Her eyes were as blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in a pale green suit she looked like spring-time come alive!

Excitedly, I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a red rose. As I moved her way, she noticed me. A small provocative smill curled her lips.

"Going my way, soldier?" she asked coyly. I took another step closer to her. It was then that I saw.. Harlyss Maynell with the red rose in her coat, directly behind the girl in green. My heart sank. She was a woman well past forty. She was plump. She had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. Her thick ankles were thrust into low shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I had to make a choice. Should I follow after the beauty who had just spoken to me? Or stay and face poor Harlyss Maynell?

I made my decision and I did not hesitate. Turning toward the woman, I smiled. Even as I began to speak, I felt choked by bitter disappointment. "You must be Miss Maynell, " I said, extending my hand. "I'm so glad you could meet me. Will you join me for dinner?"

The older woman's face then broadened into a smile. "I don't know what this is all about, son," she replied, "but you know that young woman in the green suit who just went by? I met her on the train. She begged me to wear this rose in my coat. She said that if you should ask me to dinner, to tell you she's waiting for you in that big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test."

I am so much more than what is written on my face.

bits and pieces everywhere

2008-08-17T14:18:00.003+08:00

When pain turns to years
It goes away
A memory far gone
So bitter sweet
And sweet it is to taste recovery
The loss of my friend

....

It's the mid-term break now! This is probably the first proper mid-term break that I've had since I started uni! Usually there are always assignments or tests after mid-term, but this time, there are no assignments due and there are no tests! Praise God for simple, good things!

I'll be off to Christchurch AGAIN tomorrow. When people ask me how often I've been to Christchurch I will have a sheepish smile on my face. Been there perhaps too many times in a year, but everytime I was there, I went back happy, and always wished that I could stay just a little longer.

I had an Audit test a couple of weeks back, and the result was not very good. This is my weakest area, probably because I don't have any real experience in audit. Sigh.. hopefully my brain will buck up soon and start understanding stuff like "susceptibility" and "materiality" and whatever other stuff that comes with audit. I also handed in the COML essay a few days ago, and it felt good that I managed to do it. It was about economic duress *snores*. When I first saw the question and did the recommended readings, my mind was still in a blank as to how I'm suppose to approach it. So I prayed. Prayer does have an edge. I had only a week left to do the essay, and when I did the readings again a light bulb in my head went off! Yaay! I don't know whether I did well in it, I'm just glad I could do it.

Also, AOCF is having their very first musical! Check it out here. Ruth, Peng and I will be going to watch it. Yaay again! *Bank account is NOT screaming yaay, but sigh.. such is life.* The one and only time I was in Auckland (not including transits), was at TSCF Conference '06. And it was one of the happiest times in my life. I met lots of great people, and part of me, until now, has always wished that we would have more opportunities to bond more. AND, I heard that they have chicken rice for 6 bucks. YUM YUM!!! =D and bak kwah, and dunkin donuts, and shopping malls, and did i say chicken rice?

Arise Conference just ended. And I have to say, Paul de Jong is DA MAN! I was touched by his messages, and its no wonder that the church is 8000-9000 strong. He was talking about Agapean love today, which he defines as random, genuine act of kindness. He suggested having a Agape club, where members would do random acts of kindness, like buying someone lunch. And after secretly buying them lunch, the members would leave a card near the guy, and the card would say:" You have just been AGAPE-ED. Check out www.agape.com." And the website would have the story about Jesus! Now that's a real cool way to do evangelism! Its something that my dad used to do, and he probably does do. When some random beggar ask for money from him, he would say this in a stern voice with a fierce look, :" I TAKDA DUIT. U MAU MAKAN? I BELI U MAKANAN. MAU MAKAN? MAU? DUIT I TAKDA. MAKAN ADA". which basically means:" I DON'T HAVE MONEY. YOU WANT TO EAT? I'LL BUY YOU FOOD? WANT? MONEY, I DON'T HAVE. FOOD, I HAVE." haha it used to crack me up. I guess its better to give them food than money. At least you know the money is used to feed someone and not for smoking pot. I signed up for next year's conference, and hope that it'll be even more awesome.

Olympics! God, please give Malaysia the gold for badminton. I know Lin Dan is world number one. But You who take the foolish to confound the wise, who used a fisherman to build your church, who used tiny, little David to kill Goliath.. I'm sure you can work a miracle here. In 8 hours I will know the result, but oh well.. its still worth praying for =). Despite everything that is going on back home, home is still home. Home has great potential, and the church needs to stand strong so that the nation will be saved. Imagine if all of Malaysia is under Christ!

....

Now it's only in my dreams
That I've been there
Her eyes so in love
Her kiss so real
Now if only I could stay
And dream a while
If a dream lasts a lifetime

-Shane & Shane-

My heart cannot say its goodbye.

And though I know you only in part,

I'm singing to strangers about you.

And even if I stop, the song continues on.

But sometimes..

The wait just seems a little too long.

remedy

2008-08-06T16:58:00.002+08:00

Where there is pain
Let us bring grace

Where there is suffering
Bring serenity

For those afraid
Let us be brave

Where there is misery
Let us bring relief

Let us be the REMEDY

...

Jesus, the name that charms our fears
That bids our sorrows cease
'Tis music in the sinner's ears
'Tis life and health and peace

...

~David Crowder Band~

mourn

2008-08-03T10:52:00.002+08:00

~Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted~

Christianity calls for its believers to mourn for the state of the world. The very reason for Jesus' birth is God's love, and hence, mourning, for a world that is broken and fallen. We are called to be concern with not just ourselves, but for things that are greater than us.

Poverty, diseases, crimes, broken families...

For He is Jehovah Rapha, the Great Healer. And His followers are called to partner with Him in the healing this world.

The same power that conquered the grave is in me.
Your love that rescued the earth lives in me.

So follow Me, and I will show you great things that will confound the wise, and I will do great things through you. Follow Me.

2008-07-29T17:47:00.004+08:00

"Racism by its simplest definition is discrimination based on the race to which people belong"

"Some people argue that it is just words, but words can sometimes lead to dire and serious consequences, like Hitler."

"It has exist throughout human history. It has influenced wars, slavery, the formation on nations and legal codes."

"This belief is not "automatic"."

"A man (Jew) was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers... but a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was, and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine."

I.

Hate.

Racism.

And I hate it with an anger that superseeds any emotion that I have ever felt.

if only

2008-07-20T14:00:00.005+08:00

人类的情绪非常的奇妙。高兴，伤心，爱情，憎恨，灰心等等，每个人都会经验过。

情绪是由于心。

但是人类也有头脑。

P. Ramlee 说：“跟情绪会死，跟感觉会毁灭。”

也许情况会改变，但是在这一刻，我的头脑一定要比我的心更坚强。

如果我跟感觉，我会毁灭。

这个心已经经验足够的悲伤。心不能乱给，爱情不能乱复出。

也许你会变成我这个人生最好的朋友。你了解我。给时间，也许你会更加关心我。

但是，缘分就是那么狠。他让我们相助，但是不让我对你付出太多情绪，因为你不属于我，永远不会。这样也好。虽然不能对你付出感情，至少能够有一个非常美妙的友谊。神的设计比人类的更好，更有智慧。我没得选，就只能相信他会照顾我。

不用为我操心。我没事。我相信这些非常令人烦恼的感情回自己毁灭，会自己离开。最重要的是，头脑一定要坚强，不能被情绪影响到。已经要二十二岁了，应该会保护自己的心吧。已经见鬼了，还不怕黑？

我已经很久没有写华文。如果有错误请原谅。哈哈。。。

爱的路上千万里
我们要走过去
别旁徨别犹豫
我和你在一起
高山在云雾里
也要勇敢的爬上去
大海上暴风雨
只要不会心不失意
有困难我们彼此要鼓励
有快乐要珍惜
使人生变得分外美丽
爱的路上只有我和你

palmerston north

2008-07-14T07:59:00.003+08:00

Himatangi Beach, Palmerston North

For me, beaches have always been a source of personal inspiration

- Thomas Carper

It was an unexpected and very random getaway, but nevertheless it was very fun and memorable. I felt extremely blessed.

Ruth and I didn't expect to be in Palmerston North for the weekend but there we were. The reason why we're there is because we got to know a friend through a friend who was going to stop at PN on his way to Napier for the weekend. So we decided to hitch a ride.

The drive up and the drive back was marked with good and memorable conversations. This just goes to prove that in certain circumstances, friendships do not necessarily need time to grow. 5 hours of good conversation can sometimes be enough.

We stayed at Esther Fan's place, and I felt blessed again by her hospitality for opening up her flat for us. It made the trip way cheaper than what it normally would have cost. The OCFers were really good hosts. Ian paid for some of our meals and Jason brought us on a tour of Massey University. (Need to steal Ian's wallet the next time he's in Welly so that we can repay the favour!) I can't believe the prices in PN! $70 per week rent! Unbelievable. And Jap food for less than 10 bucks! And it was pretty good.

We spent most of Sat walking around PN, and typical of us girls we ended up shopping here and there. Didn't buy much but I got a nice skirt for work and a DVD. (Mikey: You bought stuff in PN?! We usually go to Welly to buy stuff!) Watched the rugby match (All Blacks and South Africa) on the telly at Massey's International Centre. I was watching my first rugby game there. I usually just leave after the haka, but this time around I stayed for the whole game. Almost fell asleep after the 1st half but the 2nd half got real interesting. Despite the fact I'm in NZ, I was glad South Africa won because that night they were the better team. After all, South Africa are the world champs. However, I was told that the All Blacks used to be ruthless and were really, really good. We also tried out this place call Cornerstone. My goodness, I was shocked when I saw the place. Its a tiny little kitchen on wheels! Ruth pretty much went to heaven when she saw that they had salmon don and salmon eggs as well. I had shima don, and will one day go back to try the teriyaki don! Yum yum..

Ruth went back on Sunday morning with Jason but I spent most of the day in PN and went back only at 5pm. I went to Kingston for church, and I thought that the sermon was really good. I wish I was around to hear the continuation of it. After church we went for yum cha. We had heaps of food, but probably because of the table we got the service was pretty bad. Food was not coming our way. After church, Mikey brought Nai Chen and I for a drive out to Himatangi Beach. It was a really nice day, and the rain stopped when we reached the beach. There was only a slight breeze and the sky was blue. So we walked and talked and had an awesome time. After the beach we tried out this cafe in Downtown called Coco. Oh my goodness the hot chocolate was so awesome! I ordered a small dark hot chocolate, but the size of it was pretty decent. Mikey ordered the best one yet. I forgot the name of the drink but I think it was Iced Caramel Chocolate. It looked so yum and tasted yum as well. Chor Ee called me when we were almost done with our drinks. It was time to go back to Welly. Sigh..

Had a really good drive back like I said. I've made some new friends and strengthen some old friendships. It was a good getaway and now, its time to finally get back into reality. Uni has started, and its time to do some serious studying.

Faithful friends are beyond price: No amount can balance their worth.

let the poor say i am rich

2008-07-09T14:31:00.002+08:00

Nearly all of God's jewels are crystallized tears

Sometimes life will throw curve balls at you. And most times people don't understand why. But eventually we will need to learn how to deal with it. There is no teacher that is better than experience.

I thought I am gonna be tutoring this semester, but it seems that that is not the case. I wasn't exactly sure why, but I think its because there were too many available tutors who could only tutor ACCY 111, so I was given marking for ACCY 302, without any classes to tutor. Marking gives me 400 dollars for the whole semester. So I'm pretty much jobless now. Being jobless after working part-time and studying as well for the past one year (and being able to balance both), kinda makes me feel like a bum. I will be financially tight, and won't be able to do much. I was sad, and was also thinking of getting another job. If I were to apply for admin jobs, I would need to quit by end of October because I start my internship in November. And I feel just slightly immoral for accepting jobs with the knowledge that I'm gonna quit in 4 months, and the employer doesn't know. There might be other people who are just as qualified applying for the same job, but willing to stay with the company for a longer period. If I try for retail jobs, the likelihood is that I won't get it because of the lack of experience, and even if I got it I'll be on minimum wage. So we're looking at getting about 10 dollars per hour after tax. Mum is of the opinion that the time is better spent studying. I think its better spent on watching Cantonese drama. But both of us agree that the time spent and the effort put towards working in retail is probably not worth the pay. Plus, I'm used to getting paid higher than minimum wage. My first job paid 15 dollars an hour. Above all, I am too lazy to apply for another job. I'm still pretty much in a holiday mood, and I don't wanna be doing anything else but be a bum. But right now, I am a very poor bum, which is not very good. Allowance from my sponsors will only come end of the month, so I need to be really tight with money till then. After I receive my allowance, I still need to be really tight with the money or else I won't survive for the next couple of months. Since I don't have any other source of income (except for the money that I'm gonna be getting for marking, which has already been designated into the "shopping for work clothes" account), I need to be thrifty with money. Times are also hard, with soaring inflation. Its hitting everybody.

And Jesus said, let the poor say I am rich.

I guess right now, it is more important than ever for me to have a kingdom-of-God perspective. God owns the heavens and the earth, and all things are His. His riches are infinite, and He calls me to Himself, giving me the honour to be known as His child. His name is Jehovah Jireh, the Great Provider, and surely in the midst of all of these things, He will provide for my every need. Like how the birds of the air do not store warehouses of food, but still survive, likewise He will take care of me.

The biblical heroes are real-life examples of how one can be rich in the midst of poverty. A kingdom-of-God perspective requires a shift in how we view money. Money is important, but it isn't everything. There are way more important things than money, like God, family, friendships, love. Now that I'm not working, and I'm only taking 2 papers in uni, I have a lot of free time in my hands. In fact, I think I can keep up with my readings now. I stopped doing readings before lectures since I started second year because there were too many. Now, I might even be prepared for classes. I will also have a bit more time to be more involved with church. And that is a good thing, because after getting into the worship team I rarely go for band practice because I'm always busy. Now that Mel is in the team as well, he's probably gonna kick my butt and make me go for practice.

I've also been watching Cantonese drama. I rarely speak Cantonese here in NZ because I speak either English or Mandarin, and sometimes even Malay. So I'm hoping that by watching lots I can improve my Cantonese again.

Going to Palmerston North for the weekend with Ruth (hope that she is still coming! That thesis can be a real pain, to her and to everyone else who cares about her!) Yaay! The couple of times that I've been to Palmy, I always end up in the outskirts of Feilding (for camps). So I've never actually seen the city.

For every love, there is a heart somewhere, ready to receive it. - Ivan Panin

I lift my glass, and drink to love, and never give up.

where the light is

2008-07-04T19:33:00.005+08:00

Those who are dead are not dead
They're just living in my head
And since I fell for that spell
I am living there as well
Time is so short and I'm sure
There must be something more
You thought you might be a ghost
You didn't get to heaven but you made it close

42 - Coldplay

Although the style is still the same, this album definitely showed off a lot more of their musical playing. So lots more instrumental sections and riffs compared to their previous albums.

Still loved it though. I was listening to this album in Borders, and I thought to myself that if there is one special song in the album that captures and breaks my heart, then I'll buy it. Sure enough, when 42 started playing in my ears, I almost cried.

And there are two more albums that I want: Soulja boy's souljatellem.com and Chris Brown's Exclusive. And there are a few others that I've been meaning to buy as well but haven't got the money to do so: Wyclef Jean's Memoirs of an Immigrant, One Republic's Dreaming Out Loud, David Crowder Band's Remedy, all of Linkin Park's albums, Once's Soundtrack, all of John Foreman's albums etc.

And I am so looking forward to John Mayer's Where the Light is. I actually have all the songs in the album, but its different when its a recording of a live show. I hope he comes up with something new soon.

And I also need to get more Michael Buble. And Jack Johnson's Brushfire Fairytales.

And Alicia Keys.

Sigh. Music is expensive.

If you love me, won't you let me know? So if you loved me, why'd let me go? - Violet Hill

aww man

2008-07-04T11:17:00.002+08:00

Uni starts again on Monday =( The holidays are far too short, and I wish that there's more.

However it has been a real good break. God has been very kind by granting me a good end to a stressful semester. I was happy with the grades =) Also spend heaps of time hanging out with friends and just being a bum. It was a good rest. The Bersatu Games was held in Wellington this time. I've never seen so many Malaysians in Wellington...

The weather was once again not very kind to us. Its hailing now, raining really badly and very windy.

Caught up with Eugene and Ian. It was real good =)

Went to the zoo. I loved the otters. If I were an animal I wanna be an otter.

Made bak kut teh. It was real yum if I may say so myself. Ahem =p Whoever invented instant herbs definitely made me a very happy woman!

Broke. Holidays = outflow more than inflow.

2 more papers then I'm done with undergrad. YAAY. Advanced Auditing and Law of Special Contracts =.=|||

Class starts 930am Monday. But I have a 3 day weekend this semester as well. No classes on Fridays!

Rain, rain, go away..

a thousand splendid suns

2008-06-22T14:36:00.002+08:00

Only two weeks since he had left, and it was already happening. Time, blunting the edges of those sharp memories. Laila bore down mentally. What had he said? It seemed vital, suddenly, that she know.

Laila closed her eyes. Concentrated.

With the passing of time, she would slowly tire of this exercise. She would find it increasingly exhausting to conjure up, to dust off, to resuscitate once again what was long dead. There would come a day, in fact, years later, when Laila would no longer bewail his loss. Or not as relentlessly; not nerely. There would come a day when the details of his face would begin to slip from memory's grip, when overhearing a mother on the street call after her child by Tariq's name would no longer cut her adrift. She would not miss him as she did now, when the ache of his absence was her unremitting companion - like the phantom pain of an amputee.

Except every once in a while, when Laila was a grown woman, ironing a shirt or pushing her children on a swing set, something trivial, maybe the warmth of a carpet beneath her feet on a hot day or the curve of a stranger's forehead, would set off a memory of that afternoon together. And it would all come rushing back. The spontaneity of it. Their astonishing imprudence. Their clumsiness. The pain of the act, the pleasure of it, the sadness of it. The heat of their entangled bodies.

It would flood her, steal her breath.

But then it would pass. The moment would pass. Leave her deflated, feeling nothing but a vague restlessness.

Khaled Hosseini.

Review by June H.L. Wong

"In an interview following the publication of The Kite Runner, Hossini, who lives in California, said he decided to write about the country of his birth because he wanted people to see how "the Afghan people existed before there was a war with the Soviets and before there was a Taliban" and that he wanted "people to get involved with the characters and care for them. And I want people to simply remember Afghanistan."

A must read. Moved me to tears.

There is no shame in being born a woman.

its over! for a while

2008-06-19T11:54:00.002+08:00

I just sat for my last exam today. Wohoo! Done for the semester! So now I'm on a two-week break. It's not much, and everything is going to start again really soon, but right now, I'm just so thankful to God that I survived. Hopefully I won't do too badly this time either!

So friends and I have been making quite a few plans. Just went for yum cha with CK, Louis and Vivy, dinner and movie tonight with Emma, lunch with the girls tomorrow, dinner at 2 Kelburn Parade and another movie. Movie again on Monday. Gosh. In the space of 5 days, I'm gonna be watching 21, Prince Caspian and the Incredible Hulk. Thank God for student prices! (But seriously, when it comes to movies, nothing beats Malaysia). And when Vivy gets money from her sponsors we are hitting Queensgate. I don't have money, but it'll be nice to be in a mall. Makes me feel home. Despite the fact that its only two stories high. But thats okay. It's a mall. So Vivy can buy clothes, while I go buy necessities, like shampoo.

So I'm gonna just really relax for now. No uni. I can do whatever I want without thinking about studies. Sleep in, eat, watch movie, eat, gym, sleep again. And repeat the whole thing again. YAAY!

The best is bought at the price of great pain.

a new look

2008-06-15T13:19:00.003+08:00

So I've been fiddling around with blog skins. I think I'll stick with this one. I finally got the comments to work, and I like the look!

Taking a good long break today. Did not get any study done because I'm too tired. I will have an early night tonight, and will start again tomorrow. Or I might just start studying a bit tonight. Haven't really decided.

I learned something awesome in church today

"There is nothing wrong with you."

YAAY! I need to listen to the good birdy instead of the bad one. Bad birdy. Bad.

I've always thought that there's just something a tad wrong with me. Not quite sure what. On the other hand, there will be no one, in the past or in the future, or in any time or space, that's like me. So individuality should be celebrated.

Anna K is leaving for a round the world trip tomorrow and won't be back till January. So many things are going to change come Jan. ='(

And today is Father's Day back home and in the rest of the world. I'm not quite sure why New Zealand has a different father's day, but Happy Father's Day to Dad! The wife and 3 kids pretty much robbed him of his youth, his freedom and his money, and he's been broke since he's about 30 because of the family. The utmost respect should be given to good men who love their wives and children, and took on the burden to put them first. These are men honoured by God, because they chose the better, harder road. And I hope there will be more men who are like that. Sin has already produce enough wife beaters, children molesters and adulterers.

A father is always turning his little girl into a woman. And when she's a woman he wants to turn her back again

140103 - something beautiful

2008-06-12T15:59:00.002+08:00

C. L. Purdy

As I look back on all that has happened: growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me - there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I truly miss you, and how much I truly loved you. The past may be gone forever and whatever the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow. So, my lifetime friend, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you'll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant for each other, and for whatever the future may hold.

Robert G. Ingersoll

Love is the only bow on life's dark cloud
It is the Morning and the Evening star
It shines upon the cradle of the babe
and shed its radiance upon the quiet tomb
It is the mother of Art,
Inspire of poet, patriot and philosopher
It is the air and light of every heart, builder of every home,
kindler of fire on every hearth.
It was the first who thought of immortality
It fills the world with melody,
for music is the voice of Love.
Love is the magician, the Enchanter
that changes worthless things to joy
and makes right royal kings and queens of common day
It is the perfume of the wondrous flower - the heart
and without that sacred passion, that divine swoon,
we are less than beasts;
But with Love, earth is heaven,
And we are gods.

wow

2008-05-29T20:01:00.002+08:00

Slight paraphrased, but here you go:

Something really profound.

Dom Post, 30 May 2008, Life section, something about teenagers

"The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that controls wisdom, is the last part of the brain that develops fully."

WOW.

You know those bloody stupid stuff that you've done in the past? And you look back now, and you think to yourself: WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

Here you go. That's your explanation.

In layman's terms, you were an idiot.

three times the charm

2008-05-20T19:41:00.002+08:00

So one fine morning, I went to airnewzealand.co.nz

Hellooo..lookie what we got here.

Cheap flights.

Ooo...

Wellington to Christchurch.

Yes? No? Choices..

Ee-nee-mee-nee-mi-nee..

*start texting Vivy*

*Vivy said yes*

*Hit the "grab" button*

Wee.. off to Christchurch again in August. Third time this year.

CK said I should just move there. HAHA. Nah, not now. Welly is still awesome =)

So stress level is increasing because I'm still trying hard to understand what's going on in class, and it seems that I don't understand much. Hopefully when I'm revising the light bulb will start to glow, and perhaps then I won't feel as incompetent.

Amos is coming down to Welly soon! Yaay! It's been ages since the Wellingtonians saw him and it'll be real good catching up with him.

David is moving out this weekend. Sigh =(

And in the meantime, my heart is breaking for Myanmar and China. During breakfast I was reading an article from TearFund magazine, and my heart broke for Africa.

I know that His love exceeds all and surrounds all things, and His compassion is never ending. His mercy lasts forever. And I know that His heart breaks with every tear. Lord, may you partner with us in making this world good again. Help us establish your kingdom here, that all may know your Name, so that the poor may call themselves rich, the sorrowful will rejoice, and the persecuted may be accepted in Your loving embrace. Your living Word embodies the cries of many suffering people: the Israelites, the prophets, the lepers, the blind, the demon-possessed, the lame, the Gentiles, the prostitutes... but it also tells me of a God-Man who came to provide salvation, love and freedom, so that He and His followers can participate in the healing of a broken world.

Hear our cry. Help us.

one of the most intelligent statements i've heard

2008-05-17T21:32:00.000+08:00

"Some things in life are just plain stupid."

Reggie Dabbs

about mothers

2008-05-11T11:56:00.005+08:00

In my daughter's eyes, I am a hero

I am strong and wise and I know no fear

But the truth is plain to see

She was sent to rescue me

I see who I wanna be

in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes, everyone is equal

Darkness turns to light and the world is at peace

This miracle God gave to me

Gives me strength when I am weak

I find reason to believe

in my daughter's eyes

When she wraps her hand around my finger

Oh it puts a smile in my heart

Everything becomes a little clearer

I realise what life is all about

Its hanging on when your heart has had enough

Its giving more when you feel like giving up

I've seen the light

Its in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes, I can see the future

A reflection of who I am and what will be

Though she'll grow and someday leave

Maybe raise a family

When I'm gone I hope you see how happy she made me

For I'll be there

In my daughter's eyes

Martina McBride - In my daughter's eyes

2008-05-09T18:38:00.002+08:00

Hmm.. uni didn't start that long ago, did it?

Because exams are starting in about one month's time. And I don't understand ANYTHING.

Say hello to third year.

It's not that I don't like accounting. I can't really imagine myself going into another professional field. So I like it enough to want it bad enough as a job. But if I get to do university all over again, and if I get to choose what I wanna do, and if there is no time limit as to how long I can stay in uni, and if money wasn't an issue (lots of ifs), I will do a Bachelor of Commerce in Accounting, a LLB in Law, and a Bachelor of Arts in Theology. And I will be overqualified =D. Daddy says that there is no such thing as "finish studying", so technically I can continue studying on and on... YEAH RIGHT.

On a lighter side of things, I have been doing some reading! Done with Love in the time of Cholera, and now starting to read Catch-22 although I think novels might have to take a backseat for the next couple of weeks, especially with the amount of stuff that's been going on with uni, work and other little things that take up time.

On a slightly down side, my flatmate David is gonna move out soon, and we've been flatmates since beginning of last year, so its gonna be really sad. Now we're gonna have lots of problems because he owns the microwave, the blender, the tv, the DVD player and sound system. Bye bye entertainment and easy life. So I don't really know how things are going to be like in the second sem in terms of the flat. They'll be 2 new people again (we already had 2 new people this year, and sad to say I haven't really gotten to know them as much as I should, but yeah.. that's individualism for you.) So I'm kind of nervous about the whole thing, but I guess there's nothing else to do but pray that we get good, nice people. The initial plan was to move out in June and try to get into the joint CU-ICF flat, but I think that's not gonna work out as well.

Oh yeah, tomorrow is Cafe Night! I've tried to make this little thing called pink fingers, but it didn't turn out well. Guess I'm not meant to be a good baker! Maybe I'm only meant to bake chocolate cakes and cook Asian stuff. Anyway, I'm pretty excited bout the Night, although at the same time I feel kinda bad for not helping out as much this time. Because having done the planning before, I know how it feels when there are not enough hands.. All the same, still extremely excited about the night!

Oh and I got offered to tutor again next sem! YAAY! But I think they'll ask me to tutor ACCY 111 this time, since I'm not senior enough to tutor the advanced paper for management accounting. But I really enjoyed tutoring management accounting! The assignments are easy to mark, the students are quite good, the material is becoming more and more familiar to me, and I actually understand the material a lot more now compared to when I was a student! But anyhoo.. I'm good with tutoring any paper.

Anyway, I have a surprise event to co-ordinate.

heartbreaking

2008-04-24T06:39:00.002+08:00

"It had not been easy for her to regain her self-control after she heard Digna Pardo's shriek in the patio and found the old man of her life dying in the mud. Her first reaction was one of hope, because his eyes were open and shining with a radiant light she had never seen there before. She prayed to God to give him at least a moment so that he would not go without knowing how much she had loved him despite all their doubts, and she felt an irresistible longing to begin life with him all over again so that they could say what they had left unsaid and do everything right that they had done badly in the past. But she had to give in to the intransigence of death. Her grief exploded into a blind rage against the world, even against herself, and that is what filled her with the control and the courage to face her solitude alone. From that time on she had no peace, but she was careful about any gesture that might seem to betray her grief."

"She wept for the first time since the afternoon of the disaster, without witness, which was the only way she wept. She wept for the death of her husband, for her solitude and rage, and when she went into the empty bedroom she wept for herself because she had rarely slept alone in that bed since the loss of her virginity. Everything that belonged to her husband made her weep again: his tasseled slippers, his pajamas under the pillow, the space of his absence in the dressing table mirror, his own odor on her skin. A vague thought made her shudder:" The people one loves should take all their things with them when they die." She did not want anyone's help to get ready for bed, she did not want to eat anything before she went to sleep. Crushed by grief, she prayed to God to send her death that night while she slept, and with that hope she lay down, barefoot but fully dressed, and fell asleep on the spot. She slept without realizing it, but she know in her sleep that she was still alive, and that she had half a bed to spare, that she was lying on her left side on the left-hand side of the bed as she always did, but that she missed the weight of the other body on the other side. Thinking as she slept, she thought that she would never again be able to sleep this way, and she began to sob in her sleep, and she slept, sobbing, without changing position on her side of the bed, until long after the roosters crowed and she was awakened by the despised sun of the morning without him."

Love in the time of Cholera; Gabriel Garcia Marquez

they said yes!

2008-04-19T18:36:00.003+08:00

Christchurch - Ashburton - Timaru - Oamaru - Dunedin

Current location: backpackers in Oamaru.

Tomorrow: Will be going to see the fossils! And leaving for Dunedin in the afternoon.

Status: both siblings are nearly broke, and some people have been ripping us off, but hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Please let tomorrow be a better day.

Christchurch was awesome and will always be. Thanks Ray and Gloria! (Glo: I will remember the cooking tips given by your mom! =D) My brother and I have been travelling since Wednesday, and so far, each place has its good and bad points. We agree that the sceneries are the best! Timaru has the best museum and the best botanical gardens, Ashburton has the best motel and hospitality, and Oamaru has the most amazing things to see! Yet to comment on Dunedin but I'm sure it'll be amazing when we get there. We got to see some of the most amazing stuff, and all God-created without much blemish from men. We saw Edoras, which was Rohan from LOTR, and tomorrow we're gonna see where Chronicles of Narnia was filmed (the fossils). We saw penguins, small, quaint little towns and some pretty amazing views (the scenic drives). We had some people ripping us off as well in terms of $$ but oh well, God has given me peace in the midst of all of these things. He has always provided for us, and I'm sure He will not fail us this time! Worse things could have happened but they didn't. We are safe, we are not starving, and we are hoping that tomorrow will be a better day!

Oh yeah..

After much stress, hard work, a tough act of balancing studies, tests (2 300-level papers, back-to-back), work (140 assignments that had to be marked), psychometric testings (had to do 4 in total), interviews (4 in total), lots of prayer (especially on mom's side), freaking 200 dollars for a full suit (blazer, shirt, skirt, and shoes, and the set was the cheapest I could find! Half price from Portmans. Imagine if it wasn't on sale. Gosh), and lots of anxiety and learning how to trust Him, and also preparing for rejection...(and all of them in the space of one week plus)

I received a call when I was in the art museum in Ashburton.

PricewaterhouseCoopers.

I applied for a summer intern position.

Line of service: Audit (which is an interesting choice on my part. I've always thought that I will avoid this line, but hmm...)

They made an offer! Yes!

=D.

Jehovah Jireh, God my provider.

say bye-bye to law as we know it

2008-04-07T08:20:00.003+08:00

From Fi's blog:

http://www.othermalaysia.org/content/view/174/1/

Next time when you're going to ask someone out in Malaysia, check first!

Nanti kena rotan baru tau...

What's even more interesting is, this writer is actually a Muslim scholar.

Aiseh man...

2008-03-30T10:33:00.003+08:00

Maybe we're different, but we're still the same
We've all got the blood of Eden running through our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see
You come between just who you are and who you wanna be

If you feel alone and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning is some beginning's end

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you've made it this far
Welcome, you gotta believe
That right here right now
Is exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are

When everybody's in, and you're left out
And you feel you're drowning in a shadow of a doubt
Everyone's a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say

When it seems you're lost, alone and feeling down
Remember everybody's different
Just take a look around...
...

Be who you wanna be, be who you are
Everyone's a hero, everyone's a star

When you wanna give up, and your heart's about to break
Remember that you're perfect, God makes no mistakes

2008-03-29T05:44:00.002+08:00

"To these four young men God gave them knowledge and understanding of all kinds of literature and understanding. And Daniel could understand dreams and visions of all kinds."

Lord, like the way you helped Daniel and his friends at Babylonian school, please help me too.

19th - 24th April, Christchurch

2008-03-24T12:54:00.009+08:00

The mother wanted photos. And I'm pretty sure the father, too.

Christchurch was awesome! On the shuttle from the airport to the hotel, everything was picturesque, like a postcard, or a nice movie. The whole town is filled with character, beautiful buildings, nice and friendly people. I had a problem with the bus system, but after solving that bit of problem everything was fine! In fact, it was more than fine, it was great!

Emz and I spent the first two days just being tourists. We went to the arts centre (I bought 30 dollars worth of fudge. They make great gifts!), we were at the cathedral square, we went to the aquarium centre, and we roamed around town. The square was filled with buskers (a saxaphone player! Now that's something I've never seen in Wellington). There was also a petition about Tibet, and a huge chess board. On a good day the square is transformed into a market from Wednesday to Saturday. We had problem finding cheap food, but then we found this little Asian restaurant, and my goodness, they serve the BEST dumplings and the BEST tofu EVER! The most authentic ones since I've been in NZ! Like I've mentioned, the old buildings and the greens gave Christchurch its beautiful character (willow trees were beautiful), and it helps that God was very kind to us by blessing us with good weather!

Thursday night, of course, was Jack Johnson night! We met up with Jordan at the Westpac arena, and we stood in total for 5 hours straight, 6 if you include the time we were waiting for the bus! The concert itself was so, so, so good! He sang some stuff from his new album, but he also sang his classics. I was really happy because he ended the night with "Better Together", my absolute fav! And he sang it during the encore performance, just him and the guitar. The story of GOING to the arena was interesting, and hence my slight problem with the bus system. At that time, we still didn't know where the depot was, so we checked up the bus stop location online, and the online info was wrong. I went out an hour before we were suppose to leave to make sure that we got the right stop, but unlike Welly, where the bus leaflets are everywhere, I couldn't find them in Christchurch. A guy from Starmart showed me the way to the bus depot, and from there everything regarding buses were sweet. So we went on the right bus, at just the right time. (Emz might tell you a different story. Waiting for half an hour for the doors to open in the freezing cold for an artist she didn't like... I was partly happy she was kinda tipsy from the bad wine at that time. Oh the bad wine! That's another story! So many stories!) A nice gentleman showed us where to get off, and then the night began. The night ended with us three getting on the last bus to town. It was God being good again. After we went up the bus (which wasn't that full), we passed by a group of people who were starting their slow walk to town, in the freezing cold.

Friday started by a first-time visit to Every Nation Church, the church that my brother was part of. I felt really welcomed and blessed by the people that I've met there. Met Gloria, Raymond, Ben, Bernard and others there. Great hospitality and really friendly people! We then went to Akaroa and Lyttleton, and saw some of the most beautiful sights. No photography could do it justice. If only human eyes can take mental pictures that last forever. But thats another reason to go back! I wasn't expecting to go that far out from Christchurch, but again, thank God for good people! His blessings were clearly on the trip, and He has taken care of all my needs, and has led me to meet awesome people. Its good to know that the brother is well and taken care off, and he's got potential to grow here.

There are loads more stuff to say, and lots of pictures to show (Check out Facebook!), but needless to say that it was a really memorable trip.

And I'm going back.

Like, real soon.

cosmic saturday

2008-03-10T16:47:00.003+08:00

Finished: Philip Yancey - The Jesus I Never Knew

The author and preacher Tony Campolo delivers a stirring sermon adaopted from an elderly black pastor at his church in Philadelphia. "It's Friday, but Sunday's Comin" is the title of the sermon, and once you know the title you know the whole sermon. In a cadence that increases in tempo and in volume, Campolo contrasts how the world looked on Friday - when the forces of evil won over the forces of good, when every friend and disciple fled in fear, when the Son of God died on a cross - with how it looked on Easter Sunday. The disciples who lived through both days, Friday and Sunday, never doubted God again. They had learned that when God seems most absent He may be closest of all, when God looks most powerless He may be most powerful, when God looks most dead He may be coming back to life. They had learned never to count God out.

Campolo skipped one day in his sermon though. The other two days have earned names on the church calendar: Good Friday and Easter Sunday. Yet in a real sense we live on Saturday, the day with no name. What the disciples experienced in a small scale - 3 days in grief over one man who died on a cross - we now live through on cosmic scale. Human history grinds on, between the time of promise and fulfillment. Can we trust that God can make something holy and beautiful and good out of a world that includes Bosnia and Rwanda, and inner-city ghettos and jammed prisons in the richest nation of the earth? It's Saturday on planet earth, will Sunday ever come?

That dark, Golgothan Friday can only be called Good because of what happened on Easter Sunday, a day which gives a tantalizing clue to the riddle of the universe. Easter opened up a crack in a universe winding down toward entropy and decay, sealing the promise that someday God will enlarge the miracle of Easter to cosmic scale.

It is a good thing to remember that in the cosmic drama, we live out our days on Saturday, the in-between day with no name. I know a woman whose grandmother lies buried under 150-year-old live oak trees in the cemetery of an Episcopal church in rural Louisiana. In accordance with the grandmother's instructions, only one word was carved on the tombstone: "Waiting"

51 years, 9 months, 4 days

2008-03-08T08:51:00.002+08:00

Updates!

University has started and things have been getting really busy. Final year! Gosh! 5 papers, and also currently tutoring 3 classes so that I can earn some moolah. Thank God again for His providence!

My brother is now in Christchurch. It feels good having family in the same country although not in the same city. I've been updating my emergency contact. When the form ask for the relationship between me and the emergency contact, it gives me great satisfaction to put there "BROTHER". I'm not alone in a foreign land!

I'm starting to read more books this year, and I've just finished reading The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory. The book was awesome, and stayed true to history. So when reading the book I'm thrusting myself into 17th century England, watching the Tudor court like a silent observer. Henry VIII, you're one interesting king! Couple of us went and watch the movie. As always the movie will never be as good as the book, but when the movie ended I turned and saw PK with tissue paper at her nose and tears welled up in her eyes, and I turned the other way and I saw Lainey with her head of my shoulder sighing in sadness. We know how everything turned out in the end, but still, it was sad.

One of the trailers that was played before the movie started was "Love in the time of cholera". The tag line for the movie: How long will you wait for love?. The reply: 51 years (I think), 9 months, 4 days.. that's how long I've loved you. And all the girls went: "Awwww.... swoons.." And of course, I'm going to get the book and finish reading it before I watch the movie. The book was written by Noble Prize winner Gabriel Garcia Marquez, and the reviews about the book have been awesome! It's a love novel, and it explores the idea that suffering for love is a kind of nobility. At least, thats what the reviews say. So I'm really looking forward to transporting my imagination again!

I've tried transporting my imagination to the world of accounting, and all I got was this silent, buzzing, black and white screen staring at my face. Once in a while, a bunny rabbit will come and say:"Let's take a short break. Go back to the real world. You're really not understanding anything."

fellowship of the believers

2008-02-10T15:41:00.000+08:00

They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Everyday they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke break in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favour of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those were being saved.

Acts 2:42-47

I long to see the community in the ancient of days in this generation.

I think I see a lack.

first. yet again

2008-02-06T17:44:00.000+08:00

The first time is always a good experience. For certain things, once is enough.

Remember the incident with the finger? Read about it here

And last Saturday...

They say exercise is good for you. Well exercising too much when you're not really up for it will give you a sprained knee.

It's a self-diagnosed thing. I haven't actually been to the doctor, but from the looks of it, it can't be anything else. My flatmate had this support/bandage thing (as per pic) when he hurt his foot, so he told me to strap up the knee and not strain it. Compression was good on it, and so was a medicated rub oil. It doesn't hurt when I'm walking on flat land, but it hurts when I'm climbing down stairs. I'm hoping the knee will heal soon so that I can get back to the gym!

We had a small steamboat dinner at 2 Kelburn Parade. The flat is a new initiative started out by TSCF. People who are living in there are members of CU and ICF, and the ethos of the flat is to be missional. It's a beautiful, huge flat, and all of us had a great night. It's Chinese New Year Eve, and tradition calls for dinner with family, but since family is not here, friends will do. After all, friends are family here. I don't have anyone else.

Chinese New Year is real quiet here...

Something random:

Morrison J: And I know its a wonderful world, but I can't feel it right now...

its a real sickness

2008-01-21T14:03:00.000+08:00

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone

This happened the last time as well. The first time I left NZ to come back home for the summer holidays, I missed NZ. But when I was back in NZ, I missed home even more. This year it got worse. The homesickness. The general notion is that first-years who just left their homes would experience homesickness, more so than others who are used to being independent. Let me that you. That's total bull, at least in my case anyway. I didn't really feel homesick when I first went away from home. I was thoroughly enjoying uni (stressful, but it was all right), and meeting new people, having new friends, living in a new country etc etc. It was all very exciting.

And then I went home. At home I talked about how great it was to be in another country. But when it was time to go back, I didn't want to. When I'm back in this other country, all I can think of is going back home again.

But time passes by and things get busy. There's lots of studying that needs to be done, and it isn't easy taking care of yourself. But sooner or later, when the ball starts rolling, it doesn't get so bad anymore. It's only during those down-and-out moments when I'll be asking: what the hell am I doing here? I wanna go back.

And then I went home. The same thing happened. I talked about how great and stressful and bla bla bla second year is. And three days before my flight back to NZ, all I could think about is: Hey, I don't wanna go now. And I felt that silent urge until I was on the plane, and when I was on the plane, I was tempted to go to the cockpit, and tell the pilot to turn the other way, because home is the other way.

See, its the little things that really makes the sickness hard to bear. Things like: knowing that when you're there, you're taken care of, because there are people who love you, and will protect you, and give you what you need; knowing that you don't have to pay the bills or worry about food; knowing that everything is gonna be okay.

Actually its not the countries. It doesn't matter whether I'm in NZ or Malaysia. If they are not there, then there's no point. Because home really means family, not country. We can be in Antarctica, but as long as we are all together, we're home.

I thought I had two hearts: one for Wellington and one for home. But, when I was on the plane, I realized that I only had one. And its for home. And home doesn't mean Malaysia. Home just means wherever my family are. That's home. And since my family is in Malaysia, Malaysia means home.

I would like to go home now please...

I looked outside the window. It's raining. Sigh. I bet the sun is shining on home.

something i've learnt

2008-01-06T00:24:00.000+08:00

"Non multum praestant, sed cito; non subest uera uis nec penitus inmissis radicibus nititur, ut quae summo solo sparsa sund semina celerius se effundunt et imitatae spicas herbulae inanibus aristis ante messem flauescunt. Placent haec annis comparata; deinde stat profectus, admiratio decrescit" (Institutio Oratorio)

"They have no real power, and what they have is but of shallow growth; it is as when we cast seed on the surface of the soil; it springs up too rapidly, the blade apes the loaded ear, and yellows ere harvest time, but bears no grain. Such tricks please us when we contrast them with the performer's age, but progress soon stops and our admiration withers away."

Happy 2008! New beginnings again. So this year I've decided to make some resolutions, and there's also "the list" which I got on my 21st, and I am planning to do everything on the list!. Here's looking forward to a great year ahead!